Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

If he's used to finer blonde hair, thicker dark hair shed can take some getting used to.

Can you just offer to hoover a bit more if it's quite noticeable?

Dear OP, YANBU,
You have a boyfriend who wants to tell you to wear your hair how he wants regardless of your feelings, big red flag.

You ponder would this expectation be the norm if you end up in a longterm relationship living together,

Do you see yourself restricting your pride in part of who you are in the one place safe from this crazy world, your home?
A home is home, safe and where you can let it all hang out, does he not see you feeling that way in his flat?

Surely everyone finds the odd pube laying around when they live with someone, come on guys you all have to admit to that but I doubt anyone on here nodding as they read this can then say they put control measures in place by telling the partner to always wear underwear and underarm coverings.🤷‍♀️
They may get fed up after a few pubes or just one and first comment on seeing one in hope the other person might be a bit more vigilant off their own back, or they may go straight to the next response of saying they saw/found one and could the other person be a bit more mindful and try not to leave them in the…where ever. But they wouldn’t ask the partner to always ware something over or shave it off forever more when at their home.

My thoughts are it doesn’t seem a considerate respectful approach, or one that holds the other with high regard. I may be wrong here, but this is as above my thoughts.

Possibly try asking him if there’s anything else he’d like you to change and sit back, guard yourself in case there’s more, and be glad when he waxes lyrical about you instead.

Personally I think you’re right to feel uncomfortable about being asked to convert to (hair)dressing restrictions.

Your boyfriend is placing controls on your appearance and you expressing yourself, whether he is aware of it or not.

He should be able to except you how you are and not just when it suits him.

It doesn’t sound good. Huge red flag from me!
Hope this helps you in some way and I’m sorry he’s given you that first dreaded “oh no you didn’t just, did you?” moment we sometimes get with a boyfriend/partner/etc

Keep being proud of your hair OP 😊

You have a boyfriend who wants to tell you to wear your hair how he wants regardless of your feelings, big red flag

This is inaccurate, and so renders the remainder of the post irrelevant. He hasn't told her anything. He's asked her politely if she could do something, for an expressed practical reason. He's not disregarded her feelings, she's not stated them and he's polite and so, presumably, open to hearing and respecting them. If she tries to tell him how she feels about it, and he won't listen, then yes, the above statement becomes relevant, but not yet.

The number of people on here who are poised, ready to say 'ABUSE!!' at the slightest trigger, is phenomenal. Asking someone if they 'could tie their hair back please' isn't rude or abusive. Telling someone to tie their hair back whether they like it or not, is.

@Watchkeys spot on,

@Watchkeys Asking someone if they 'could tie their hair back please' isn't rude or abusive. Telling someone to tie their hair back whether they like it or not, is

See, I don’t think telling someone that is abusive in the context OP has given. I tell my DS to tie his back and I don’t give a shiny shit whether he likes it or not (he doesn’t like it, but only because he considers the 5sec needed to do it an effort, and it makes him the ‘odd man out’ of people who don’t need to tie theirs back in our house, apart from myself). I don’t believe me telling him, and insisting, is abusive. I believe him NOT doing it when told, with the result of the rest of the household having to constantly wade through his hair, and making extra cleaning for EVERYONE due to excess hair, would actually be abusive on his part.

DH has long hair, and I also have other adult kids of both genders with long hair (and some with short) but none of them need to tie their hair back because they are not profuse shedders. If they were, and refused to tie theirs back if they had to be asked after not showing basic courtesy and respect by doing it in the first place, then I’d think they were abusive also.

@HoppingPavlova

Yes, sorry, I was unclear. I think a person telling their partner to put their hair up is rude, not abusive. It's different with our kids, too, and in family households.

I don't think anything is abusive, until someone's feelings are severely or repeatedly dismissed.

My girlfriends hair is a nightmare. It's all over my car etc etc. But I love her and wouldn't be without her so I just hoover it up ☺️

I feel for you OP. I always joke I could never murder anyone as I'd leave so much hair behind they'd find me in no time!

It might just be a thing with thick hair. Mine is thick, but fine and curly. I had to google and yes, people with thick hair shed more. From the first link that came up:

On average, people shed around 50 to 100 hairs per day. However, when you have thick hair, that number can double (or even quadruple) up to 200 hairs.

Add to that your hair being very long and black, it's going to be super noticeable!

lol even with my hair up I take it out and put it back up loads. Hair everywhere 🤦🏻‍♀️

He may enjoy looking at your sexy neck maybe

We lose, on average, between 50 to 100 hairs A DAY. That's EVERYONE! Yours will only appear to be more because they are long and black - short and fair will go virtually unnoticed! It can't be stopped. It can't be controlled. You can only be mindful of it.

🎶 Love is in the hair ....
Everywhere I look around 👀 🎶

Do you really want to spend time with this person. Is this just the tip of the iceberg. What's he going to issue an edict on next.

Why do you think he issues edicts? There's nothing in the op to suggest he's that type of person.

Yup it’s a red flag. That’s not normal. Wearing the long hair in a ponytail will not necessarily prevent it from getting places. I would not say dump him right now but make this a black mark and watch out for other weird stuff. My ex H had body hair all over. It got everywhere. The bathroom floor was like a pube carpet. It never bothered me … until I stopped liking him for other reasons (unrelated to his body hair)

Men are insanely insecure about their hair.
Wesr your hair up like he asks.
Then, in two or three weeks when things die down, ask him if his hair isn’t thinning.
Be all innocent-like.
Then, a few days after that, say, “Yeah, I really think you’re losing your hair.”
It’ll freak him out and you’ll have your revenge .😇

So coming from a guy who's bald and yes gets annoyed when he sees his partners hair on the floor (before everyone calls me a hypocrite) let me explain a different perspective.

I would rather my beautiful wife shed less hair and I'm sure she would do too, it's more of a frustration that it falls and getss me stressed that I don't want her to lose more hair (PCOS/endo/socially accepted diet to blame) and we discussed it and we actually both agreed it would be better if it didn't fall, however it's natural and part of the hair cycle. The part where it's just nice to pick it up/clean up is important and was a discussion we both agreed whenever we vacuumed the house is cleaned and that's the problem solved.

It would be a great opportunity instead of taking others opinion to leave, to instead test the relationship, if you don't have many arguments then that's great if you do just agree beforehand the answers to this topic might frustrate either of you so let's time out if it gets a bit too much and revisit it. Talk it out, test ideas on what you both come up with.

Because if this is the first frustration or (red flag as people are calling it) life unfortunately will throw so many you would be better of testing the relationship and creating the mechanism now of dealing with future problems or challenges. Then of course if the conversation gets messy or to the point where it's heated or either of your values are not being adhered to (things like shouting, screaming name calling, putting anyone down, or any others) then you know the relationship is a red flag.

It's ok to ask each other, it's ok for both of you to sit down and explain explain why yes or no, or even to get the other to come onboard to either views. It's not ok to force or argue so if it goes down that path then review the relationship.
Of course I miss my hair too, but coming to terms with it 😁.