Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

What does he expect long term!? If you moved in together would you have to have your hair up all of the time at home?

I think it's just weird that he objects to something that is totally normal for a human body to do! As you say, if you shed a bit more hair than usual you are considerate enough to give the shower an extra clean etc but other than that what else can you do?

I say call his bluff and every time you go over wear a really ugly shower cap the entire time.

Not his fridge, mine. Over the course of 28 years I have to admit I have found a the odd stay hair in my fridge on a few occasions. Not regularly by any stretch. My fridge is very clean. But if a shed hair is on my sleeve it’s possible that very occasionally it will be deposited in the fridge.

But if we were to be together long term it’s not like that’s not something boyfriend would experience. C’est la vie (for people with thick hair).

So you're ok with calling those who lose their hair, 'baldy slap head' are you?

Just people who've lost their hair naturally, or does it extend to chemo patients and Alopecia sufferers?

This is a dead end surely? The relationship can't possibly go anywhere unless you commit to never again wearing your hair down.
His hair sheds too, he probably just can't see it because it's short. I think far more man hairs end up being accidentally eaten....

You've answered your own question.
What happens if you move in together and it's your house too? Would this ridiculous behaviour be required then too?

I am on a fence with this.

1.I hate hair anywhere, including my hair.
2.I also have long thick hair which requires daily washing to remain healthy. If I don't wash it daily, I would have to wet it a bit, and wear it up, so I don't shed. (I have my own bathroom-so this is a private issue). This is the hairstyle I keep say for 9/10 months and only sheds in bathroom when I am styling it and nowhere else.)
3.When I shared my flat, my flatmate- male- with thick black hair, was shedding as it was lockdown and he couldn't see a hairdresser etc. We shared a bathroom, and was just used to picking up bits of his hair. On his own, he apologised that he was spending lots of money on hair products to help. I really felt more sorry for him, and I understood. He was very very neat like me and it was only in the bathroom.

4.I am now married and live with DH, where I have my own bathroom. Funnily, the hairstyle that he prefers (which I love in the summer) means my hair is everywhere- forget bathroom only- and it cannot be contained very much. He doesn't mind. It irritates me more but I like it as it is healthier for my hair too.

5.It means, when hosting guests during the summer, I also have to factor in, which day I am washing my hair etc etc. And I MUST hoover the whole house (which is always kept clean anyway), say 4/5 hours before guests arrive which really really annoys me.

6.I would bail from that relationship. And I say that as someone who hates seeing my own hair on my carpet.

Hair sheds. All hair. Why are people acting like they never lose hairs and find them in odd places?! Dark hairs are likely more noticeable but every single human loses hairs. As I’ve previously said, my husband seems to lose a lot of pubic hairs. It’s a bit gross. Should I tell him to wear a hair net on his chest and crotch area?

You totally misrepresented what I said. I’m not saying beautiful hair is acceptable to be everywhere.

I merely said I have nice hair which he enjoys and it is longer than usual right now as I am wanting “glam hair” for some upcoming events.

He's being weird. When you have long, dark hair the hairs that shed are going to be super noticeable. It's the price of admission when someone has long, thick, dark hair.

As someone with thick, bum length hair I think it's time to throw him back. You can find much nicer guys who won't be grossed out by your hair.

Oooh hard one.

I have long dark hair and vacuum twice a day as I find my own hair around home a bit gross. I think I would find someone else’s hair gross as well.

So I think your bf is not unreasonable. But it does suggest the bother of cleaning up after you is more important than your comfort/freedom to have your hair as you like.

If he adored you he would put up with it and just vacuum after you leave!

Tying hair up wouldn't bother me (except in bed) but long term this will be an issue. What would he do if you moved in?

My three daughters and I all have long, curly, ringlet hair. It sheds everywhere. I don't see this as controlling. As I also find it annoying that I am always vacuuming up human hair as well as cat hair. I also ask the girls to tie their hair up when at home, and I always tie mine up when I come in.

I wouldn't necessarily say it is a red flag or controlling behaviour. Did he say it politely? Everyone has their own quirks and likes and dislikes. It is one thing to enjoy the look of your beautiful hair and another to find hairs everywhere in the flat. I don't think it is unreasonable to tie it up. Same goes on transport in a rush hour for example. It is all about small compromises we make here and there in a relationship.

Ime tying your hair won't do much at all either except damage your hair.

There will be a man out there that loves your hair and accepts the shedding as well.

A pony tail is heavy and uncomfortable. He seems intolerant.

Oddly this was how an (ex) partner's abusive behaviour started with me.
First he wanted my hair tied up due to shedding, then he persuaded me to have it cut significantly shorter - things escalated piecemeal from there without me even noticing what was happening.
It's a red flag from me.

He is being petty and small minded. I would find this unappealing. It’s just hair, it’s not like you’re working in a food factory.

I once worked in a tiny office of four people, owned by the boss in a garden office prefab type thing. The boss told me several times that she was fed up of finding my hair ‘everywhere’. I don’t really know what she expected me to do about it.

This thread is a wild read. I had no idea people felt 'sick' etc over something as normal as hair. I have long thick hair, have it down all the time as thats why i have the style i have and love it. I shed, its normal and certainly not sickening to find hair and then hoover etc as you would normally. You aren't working in food prep, you should be comfortable in his space. If you're not, it's not going to last

Really? Made me lol!

I find this like cleaning the toilet after you've had a sh!t.

It's a harmless thing, and does nothing apart from the annoy the person finding it who then feels they have to clean it up. It's not going to kill anyone if it stays there.

So those above saying he's controlling... no. He's asked nicely whether there could be a compromise, so he doesn't have to 'clean up after you'. Anyone having a sh!t, just like anyone with long hair, WILL leave stuff behind.

Wtf. This is really weird, it would also make me think the relationship won't go anywhere as I'd hate to share a hoke with someone who dictated what I did with my hair at home. I'd ask him why, it's only hair? And if he continues having a problem I'd throw him back.
It's also worth noting that asking you to do certain things with your hair/clothes is a major way of controlling and often how it starts. Look at major religions that dictate strictly how women should look, it's all about control and oppression.

I had two DD's with very long hair, it gets everywhere. Blocked the shower, blocked the vacuum cleaner. I dealt with it as did DH because they were our DC.

Try putting it in a long plait, it might help

I leave hair everywhere. When I wash it or brush it lots come out and it’s fine but wonky so hard to tame. My Dh has never said anything!

I have very long blonde hair. Growing up, my Glaswegian house-proud mother used to shriek "it's like living with a bloody Afghan hound!"

However, I don't blame your boyfriend. Sorry. Seeing someone's hair everywhere would make me feel queasy. And chances are, he only used to 'enjoy' your hair before he realised how much of it you shed.