Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

I find hair about the place a bit disgusting and always tie mine up but I think part of living and spending time with other people is dealing with the fact they have human bodies that aren’t always perfectly under control, this kind of comment would really put me off a man and i’d definitely be alert for further signs of intolerance or control. If you give him another chance you could suggest he gets a robot vacuum cleaner, but they do need tangled hair cut off the spinners fairly often…

This. What a dipshit.

He definitely hasn't got another woman in the flat finding your hair?

this is the vibe, I would get from this. but then I am sensitive.

I even had to lecture my DH to stop offering me more food when I had already eaten, or full- 'to just try, it was the best snack/ food he had eaten etc etc' as I said it was like he wanted to make me fat. lol lol funnily, when I offered him the same to try, he really doesn't like to try foods, once he had eaten. just like me. he stopped it.

funnily, his sister visiting us, complained same about her dh, and I was happy to show it wasn't only me who didn't like it!

anyway, I stand up for myself everywhere, so I don't allow these subtle things turn into big things later.

My hair definitely blocks my hoover. But when bf brought this up I asked him where he was finding the hairs (genuinely curious) and he didn’t mention the hoover. More throw blankets, bedding.

I have to be honest, hair everywhere really turns my stomach. It’s funny really because when it’s still on your head it’s fine but once it’s dropped it makes me feel a bit sick to have to deal with (even my own).

I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily a red flag in isolation, it really depends on other facets of his personality or character although I totally understand why you feel a bit offended and are questioning being with him.

Long, dark, curly hair here (currently shorter than normal after trying a new style). It just drops.

DH complains (lightly) about the hair in the bath (we have a daughter with the same hair) but puts up with it because it's just what happens.

If you were to live together, what would he expect then? For it to constantly be tied up? That you would never brush/wash it? Or move around?

Think about how you want to live and whether he fits into that, given he's upset that your hair ends up places.

Just when I think I've heard it all on mumsnet!

I know what he means because I've lived with a few flatmates (south American though) who definitely shed more "visibly", but all you can do is hoover more often otherwise it's a bit dehumanising.

I can’t imagine what he would be like if he had children! There would be more than hair everywhere!

Ok, so I'll ask you the same as I asked the PP...

So you're ok with calling those who lose their hair, 'baldy slap head' are you?

Just people who've lost their hair naturally, or does it extend to chemo patients and Alopecia sufferers?

I think like most men he probably doesn't appreciate the realities of what goes into having and maintaining long hair, or that hair is a very important sensitive topic for a lot of women.

I would spell it out to him that this is one of the things you, and therefore he, has to put up with for his girlfriend to have long rapunzel-like hair. And you won't change how you wear it as that will make very little difference to the shedding.

Has he grown up with sisters? If he hasn’t lived with it before he might not realise it’s normal for people with long hair to shed and that tying it up doesn’t actually help that much. My MIL has short hair and no DDs so my DH was surprised at how much hair he found everywhere. I wouldn’t jump to him being controlling because of this ask but I’d speak to him about how it made you feel and explain why you don’t want to always have your hair up (and that it won’t make much of a difference anyways). The way he reacts would tell me what to do next.

So clearly he is asking you to keep control of your hair - because he is fed up of finding it everywhere

I wouldn't have a problem with this - much like if people like shoes off in their house

edit - just saw you posted
Yeah the odd hair will be found in the fridge or something and it’s not pleasant but I know I’m clean and that’s just the realities of being me.

Yeah, that would make me heave - YOU are BU

It’s not weird, controlling or odd. He just trying to minimise the amount of lose hair around his flat which is understandable. Wherever it’s a practical solution is another question.

I don’t think this is a red flag or controlling. I also don’t think you should tie it up all the time when at his if you don’t want to.

If he keeps saying it or insists then maybe consider it a red flag.

I hate finding hair everywhere and am not that keen on very thick waist length hair. I'd probably want you to cut it short if I were him!

I have long, thick dark hair and the shedding... but I get a headache and sore scalp if I wear it tied for every long so I'd not be happy with that at all. He (or you) can just run the vacuum round, I tend to vacuum daily so the house isn't covered in my hairs.

So he's happy to enjoy it until it inconveniences him....that would annoy me too.

How new a relationship? Could he be worried another 'guest' may find your hairs?

"that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair" - no, absolutely not. It is common courtesy to pick up after yourself.

Good thing I don’t spend time around you then cause I keep my hair how I like.

He may find bits of girlfriend lying around a bit gross. Like toenails. Or pubes. Once they're detached - ick

This is what annoys. Like no one put a gun to your head to date me.

Woah. The entire problem is that you need to recognise that if something doesn't make you feel good, you need to respect your feeling. It doesn't matter who says 'red flag', it doesn't matter who says 'controlling', it doesn't matter who says 'it's fine, you're paranoid'.

If he does something, and you don't like it, you say so. And if you can't have a discussion that leads to a suitable agreement/compromise that feels right to you both, your relationship isn't working. Same goes the other way round. So, if he wants your hair up, he gets to say so. And then, you tell him how you feel about it, and you both get to discuss it, and work out how to meet somewhere in the middle.

Did you do this? Or did he say it, and you went 'Huh?!' and that was it?

Try communicating with him: tell him how you feel. Tell him what you've told us. How he responds to you feeling differently to him about something will be the deciding factor here, not whether he should be able to ask you to wear your hair up.

He probably hasn't thought it through, and found a hair draped over his toothbrush or something. How does he anticipate living together will be, for example? Are you meant to wear your hair up all the time?

I have really shitty thin hair that falls out constantly so I moult like theres no tomorrow, surprisingly people never mention it even though it irritates me. I would be bothered being told to tie it up though and would probably give a lecture on why I'm not doing that as the tension of tying it up makes it fall out worse and frankly I don't have enough to spare extra loss.