Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

I can't imagine why you're getting such a hard time, OP. As someone else said, any woman with medium length hair or longer sheds hair about the place. If you're careful to clear it out of the plughole, as you say, he is being unreasonable. I don't see how wearing it in a ponytail would make all that much difference to the degree of shedding.

My Daughter is 14 and has shoulder length red hair. Even when she has it in a ponytail or plait it will still shed. I find it in the carpet, even in clothes after they've come out the washing machine. I washed up the other evening, even found one wrapped round my washing up sponge. If your bf is happy to play with your hair then he's being unreasonable to ask you to tie it back. Men are weird 🤣

Sorry this would annoy the shit out of me - im asian, have almost bum-length hair - my now husband (then boyfriend) has NEVER ever complained - not even once. Now we have children, my daughter has never ever cut her hair (she also has very long hair) - Its just normal life - sorry but i would find this irritating of your BF to bring up.

What shampoo do you use? 🥹

Unacceptable. Your body - your choice.

I'm not sure putting your hair up in a pony tail will help. I often have mine up but it still goes everywhere. It would annoy me too. Just say no and his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

My BIL absolutely worships my sister. He loved her for a good 2 years before finally agreed to go out with him. 12 years, a wedding and 2 kids later, my sister sleeps with her long thick hair in a bun because hair gives him the epic ick. Shedding is his worst thing, followed by her hairbrush. But he's not even that keen on it on her head.

So she does her best to minimise shedding. Because that's the nice thing to do if someone asks. And because it's really no skin off her nose to pop her hair in a bun

And because it's really no skin off her nose to pop her hair in a bun

Errr yes it is! Especially if hair is long and heavy.

I don’t get all these people saying they are happy to put their hair up at home to keep the piece or grossed out by hairs. Surely the purpose of long, nice condition hair is to wear it down and enjoy it if you are lucky enough to have good hair?

I only wear my hair up when it annoys me, eg working out (get too hot) or some other task like DIY or food prep when bending over it could get in the way or caught in something or if it just looks a mess!

This is not something I’d be compromising on! Life is too short!

100 % agree

It’s controlling because he’s telling her what to do to fix his problem. The OP said he likes the hair, but not when it’s shed around the flat - fair enough. He could have just said that rather than telling her what to do about his problem.

I’m leaving this chat - as a victim of coercive control for 9 years, this is triggering. It’s 2024 and a woman is asking if it’s okay for a man to control her?! I’m done.

@TheMamaLife I’m leaving this chat - as a victim of coercive control for 9 years, this is triggering. It’s 2024 and a woman is asking if it’s okay for a man to control her?! I’m done

Where do you get that from a situation where someone is sick of finding someone else’s hair all over their flat? As I said prior, I’m a shedder and put mine up as I can’t stand my own hair everywhere and one of my kids seems to have inherited my shedding ability. I can’t stand their hair everywhere either so ask them to put it up. They are an adult male. I don’t believe I’m coercively controlling them for a second! Being sick of cleaning up hair all over the place and asking someone to do something to prevent it is NOT coercive control.

Or, are you saying it’s okay for me to tell my adult so. I don’t want to deal with cleaning up his hair everywhere, but it wouldn’t be okay for DH to say exactly the same thing to me or a DD (as I said, I keep mine tied back because I don’t want to deal with the cleaning f, and DD didn’t inherit my shedding problem so no issue with it out). Is it okay for me to be able to say it to a man but would not be okay for a man to say it me/DD?

I find it shocking and disappointing that so many people have voted that the OP is being unreasonable. A man asks a woman to wear her hair up, and lots of women think that’s reasonable?

@Clafoutie well yes, because I ask a man to wear his wear up, so I don’t see the difference?

It's his flat! I can see both sides and I understand why OP is offended, but I also hate having my own hair everywhere (and I wear it back as well) if it was down all the time I can't imagine the hairs. And honestly someone else's hair all over my stuff would be even worse. He probably didn't think she'd mind just wearing it up, obviously if she does and he keeps on at her then that's more problematic but I don't see a problem with him pointing it out (except to OPs bruised ego of course) and asking if she'd mind tying it back.

I have a sympathy with OPs BF (tho I do understand her distress) as some of my family have hair like this and it is absolutely everywhere. It drives me nuts.

He’s not being coercive, he’s fed up of the mess. But her hair up won’t make much difference anyway, tbh. Some of my family are shedders, and it’s just annoying to be on the train and you realise you’re picking their hairs off of your coat. There’s a difference between coercion and irritation.

My sister lived with us for about a year and her hair got everywhere. Drove me nuts. I can guarantee you're leaving more around than you realise, especially if you're losing enough to block a hoover

Looks like I haven’t left e chat.

not unreasonable for a mother to say to her son.

not unreasonable for a partner to say to his partner many years into an established relationship.

but for new relationship? This is just wrong. He didn’t just complain about the hair, he told her to alter her choices to solve his problem.

I hope to god my daughters don’t accept men like this, and that my sons don’t become men like that. But what hope do they have when it seems so many woman in 2024 still allow this crap (which it is) in a new relationship?

You need to read the OP again. The guy told her to put her hair up after a couple of visits to his place.

he didn’t have a convo about the grossness, or make light of it, or open the conversation in a decent way.

he just told her to put her hair up and that left her feeling annoyed.

@OP- the annoyance you feel, is the feeling of someone encroaching on your independence. Annoying today, suffocating tomorrow.

Find a man with whom you can make jokes about his ikyness and your ikyness, and like happily ever after.

I do see that, but I feel there is a difference between asking someone to put the toilet seat down, say, and this situation with the OP. Her hair is part of who she is, and for it to be raised as an issue so early in their relationship doesn’t sit well with me.

I think it would be wrong to ask the man to put his hair up too. And usually I am quite wary of arguing a special case for women. But I’ve become so tired of women’s appearance being the centre of an ‘issue’ that, for me, it adds an extra dimension to situations like the OP describes.

So, what is the magical timeframe he has to put up with her hair all over the place and cleaning it up, before he can say something to solve the problem. According to you, before a certain time point is coercive control, but afterwards isn’t? For me it would be day 1 of ANYONE (male if female) staying in my house after I noticed their hair lying around. I wouldn’t wait until some arbitrary date before being able to say something, because i simply wouldn’t want to suck up cleaning the manky mess up meanwhile.If i refuse to do it for my own hair why would I do it for someone else’s? Or it’s just lucky I’m a woman so CAN say something but for a man to say the same thing - coercive control!

I think it would be wrong to ask the man to put his hair up too

So, you think it’s okay for people to live with hair everywhere because it’s not okay to ask either women or men to tie their head up if they are shedders? If DS and I don’t have ours tied back/up it’s like Chewbacca and his entire tribe have come in and had a party! But that’s okay, you think people have the time and the inclination to live surrounded by it and the cleaning issues that result? Because it’s wrong to ask people to put their hair up? Thats batshit.