To think that 'I'll be out for a couple hours' means 'I'll be out for two hours' (or close, at least)?

[JustMeSammy]

It wouldn't mean around four hours? Or AIBU?

This will be quite long but I don#t want to leave information out.

I am an oldie on here but I've changed my name in case anybody recognises the situation who knows me or her-I don't know whether to call her DP as we don't live together and haven't been seeing one another very long.

We met at work when I was on secondment in her area but I live around 2 and a half/three hours from her and we decided to just see what happened and if it worked we could look at getting a place together.

There was an event in a town near her this Saturday just gone that we both fancied going to so she invited me over for the weekend. IIf I visit I normally just stay Friday and Saturdya night but this one, I told her that as I had the Monday off too this week, maybe I could stay over Sunday night and we could do something Sunday too?

She said yes that would be good, but that she was doing her hobby that day, but that she'd only be gone a couple of hours. She offered to not do it but I said no, that's fine, I don't mind being left for a couple of hours. She lives in a lovely place and I would just go to the shops or go grab a drink somewhere and read my book or whatever (or hang about at hers, weather/mood depending).

We go to event on Saturday, all good and on the way back we stop for a drink, and I ask something like 'Okay remind me about tomorrow, when are you leaving and coming back so we can plan what we can do' and she said she'd be leaving around 12:30pm and back around 16:30 pm.

I was a bit like 'WTF you said you'd be gone a couple of hours and that's 4?! She said 'yeh a couple of hours' I said no, a couple of hours is two hours! I can easily kill a couple of hours at yours but not 4! We argued although not a 'heated' argument as I am a very 'cool' person and don't like to argue but in the end she said 'right I won't go then!!!' And I said no, you go. I think that if she DIDN'T go she'd tell her hobby friends that I had stopped her or told her not to and I don't want that

I am really quite annoyed. Feel I am worth a bit more than that-if she's going to have me over she can't be gone out for the best part of the day (and a quarter of it) I'd also never do that to her.

She continued to argue that a couple of hours doesn't have to mean two.
She also kept explaining things like 'well the thing at hobby takes two hours but I've got to get there and back and that takes X amount of time and then I have to be there a bit of time before and then we have to do this afterwards....' etc etc and I said none of that is relevant! You said a couple of hours and you meant four!

I tried framing it to her that if her work asked her to stay behind for two hours, and she agreed but then they expected her to stay behind for four, would that be okay? She said 'Wouldn't bother me!' so I said well you'd just do four hours woudl you?

She said no!

I asked if we were a couple and she says yes, and I said 'well how many of us are there!!'

As it was, I came home today I felt quite unwanted and unappreciated. It's quite a long drive, and I was looking forward to another day with her. I didn't mind two hours, but not four.

I have no idea how this thread is going to go!

AIBU to have left?
AIBU to feel unwanted/unappreciated?

AIBU to think that 'couple of hours' means two hours (obviously with a bit of give and take, I'd not mind if someone said a couple of hours and it turned out to be just under or over).

AIBU to think It's rude to have someone be with you for the day and then bog off to do something else for a lot of it, leaving them by themselves in a town they don't know? At least without telling them the truth about it?

I'd never do that and I told her this-to which she said that it wouldn't bother her if I did.

Yes, if you say a couple of hours, it is around 2 hours more than 3hrs is a few hours - 4 hours is most the afternoon.

I hate people who have a disregard for my time, I would hate waiting around "amusing" myself at my long distance girlfriends, friends house. It's fine if they are honest about how long I would be waiting around, but it's my choice whether my afternoon could be better spent elsewhere- like back at home. So you are Not being unreasonable - she should have been accurate when you asked her.

Oh and go back to doing your hobby, and find a girlfriend closer to home who lives in their own home.

Good luck OP

@splatmouse Why would anybody think 'several items' is literally 7? The definition of a couple is 2, several is 3 or more, it is in no way linked to 7.

Thank you, I'll take the advice on board. She was to move in with me soon but a few things have happened that has meant she hasn't been able to.

YANBU to be very annoyed, that she didn't warn you that the hobby won't take the "usual couple of hours" but "full afternoon couple of hours".

However, from the later updates it sounds that that is the least of your issues.

Thank you. I do feel disregarded, like it is fine to not be clear about things and I do feel she did it knowing I may not come over if I knew the truth. Reality is, I might have done, but I'd have liked to have known the situation properly first. That to me would've been important if things were the other way around.

Maybe 😓

Still don't see a justification for you stopping it nor for her thinking she has the right to ask it of you. So what if a man was looking at you. You're hardly going to be reciprocating!

Well, I am now going to go and catch tail end of the event in my own town. I spent the afternoon getting back (had to pick up my dog, making it a five hour journey)! So I'll leave the thread, but thank you all, and I'll read any further replies later/tomorrow. 🙂

Okay yes I should have said I won't stay at her parents, I accept that.
It is just to protect myself a bit. He has shouted and screamed at me before too.

Agreed. Aside from aforementioned situation with her Father, It's just bloody weird.

My earlier comments didn’t have this context, and I understand better now why you found this misleading.

Also agree with PP that there are aspects of this relationship which do not sound entirely healthy for you. If you can find a counsellor to talk things through, it might benefit you to have a neutral listener.

Your partner’s idea that you might enjoy inappropriate sexual attention from pervy men is unpleasant and smacks of victim blaming. Women should not have to give up things that give us pleasure and a sense of achievement because men are unwilling to respect us as human beings. In those circumstances, I know 100% that my partner would be disgusted on my behalf, but it would never cross his mind to blame me for those men’s behaviour or to insinuate that I liked it.

It really does sound to me as though you deserve better treatment. Perhaps your partner is rather more damaged by her childhood relationships than she realizes, but that doesn’t mean that you should have to put up with her insistence on limiting your life or manipulating you in the ways you’ve described.

In any case, I hope you find happiness and fulfillment, whether with your partner or without her.

If my dh says he's going to the pub for a couple or few hours (means the same where I am) I'd not expect him home until about 4 hours later.

On what planet does 'couple' mean 4 though?? It has an absolute definition...two 🤷‍♀️ At a push (if someone said 'about a couple of hours') you'd assume 'In the ballpark of 2 hours..so perhaps 2 and a half'.

A 'few' hours is a little 'muddier' but the generally accepted definition of this is 'around 3'.

I honestly couldn't get het up about someone going off for 4 hours to do their hobby, but if they'd specifically said they'd be gone 'a couple of hours' I'd be a bit peeved at them being gone for 4 without being clear about it. It's just manners 🤷‍♀️

I don't know. A teacher once asked me how many 'several' was. Then told me I was wrong and that the answer was 'seven'.

You couldn't entertain yourself for four hours? You still would have had the evening and the next a.m. to do things together.
To me, a couple of hours is about 2-3 or so. I would have either cleared it up beforehand if it meant that much to me, or found something to do for four hours. It sounded like there was plenty for you to do.
You got angry that she was going to do her hobby the full amount of time, stomped your feet and went home.

You sound controlling and inflexible. I hope she thinks long and hard about the relationship.

Two people in a relationship is a couple but if I say there were a couple of crying babies on my bus home that means more than one but possibly 3/4. When I have a couple of biscuits with a cup of tea that's definitely more than two. Nobody going for a couple of drinks stops at two. A couple of hours to me could be 1.5 to 3+.

Now you are just denigrating her. I hope she finds this thread and ends things. Or you should end them since she misleads you and is malicious. I am betting you are the same, as we are seeing here, with turning yourself into a victim.

This is sounding more and more like a wind-up, or I am hoping it is, so I don't have to think about two people in such an unhealthy relationship.

"I want to spend time with her as long as she is totally literal in every aspect because she has misled me at times and has been malicious. But, I like her.....except for when I don't."

Give both of you a break and end this before it ends up a police matter, which is where this is headed with the misleading and maliciousness of the relationship.

I think you are BU to expect her to give up her hobby to entertain you for a while weekend. If you can't amuse yourself for a few hours when you are there from Friday night to Monday, I think that's very intense and would feel
Uncomfortable if I were your new partner

This!!!

I agree so much. You keep changing your story. One minute it’s a lovely place and you’d be happy entertaining yourself, the next minute it’s horrible.
One minute you’re insisting you’re happy entertaining yourself, the next minute you say if you’d known it was an extra two hours she’d be gone, you wouldn’t have gone AT ALL that weekend to stay with her.
One minute you imply you left after this argument and it was all unsettled and up in the air, the next minute you insist you left peacefully after some hugs etc.

I really hope for her sake, she breaks
up with you. You sound so controlling and pedantic and my lord I could not be bothered being with someone like you who makes such a fuss over the smallest miscommunication.

She says all of those things she doesn't like to do with me, are down to her being Autistic. So, due to that I have tried to be understanding and accommodating with her. The phone calls thing used to upset me a lot, as for me a huge part of a relationship is communication and with long distance, talking regularly is crucial. Sometimes (for example) a whole weekend would pass and I'd barely hear from her give or take a few texts. It was very hard to get my head around that this was in any sense okay, but talking is just not important to her. She closes off if I try to talk about anything deeper than very casual conversation.

Thank you for the affirmations. I tried the freedom programme but I didn't find it helpful unfortunately (and It's very heteronormative). I have done a lot of work on myself since coming out of that abusive relationship, and before I decided I was ready to date again.

I have totally changed my expectations to accomodate her neurodiverse needs, and yes not talking to one another is a huge part of that. I feel I may have lost a bit of myself along the way somewhere.

Yes I realise I should have put that in the OP. I can't help but feel that although it could well be a miscommunication or a means of using casual terminology, that she should have been clear that this 'hobby thing' was different to what she usually does. And wondering if it was purposefully done.

Yes, I don't like going there. I wasn't keen to begin long distance anyway, plus I feel she isn't really in a position to host me-as she lives with her parents and (even disregarding her Father being a horrible, HORRIBLE man) I am not comfortable there. She doesn't like that I won't stay there and often I have given in and stayed there because she's wanted to even though I find it a very odd set up, and her Father has laid into me before while we sat having a drink with her parents. She also often sleeps in very late when she's at home and, it being her parent's place I can't go downstairs and relax or do much other than twiddle my thumbs until she wakes. I did begin taking her dogs out, and took books etc with me but I didn't much enjoy the whole thing.

She loves where I live and loves 'playing house' while she's here. Always wants to cook as she doesn't do it at home, likes us having a place to ourselves as we don't have that when I am there.

There is a chance that she genuinely didn't know. I possibly didn't ask the 'right' questions, not realising that I had to. Instead of asking how long she'd be gone for, perhaps had I have said 'What time are you leaving and what time are you coming back?' but, having typed that, I just don't think It's a very commonly used way of asking someone how long they'll be? If in any given situation where I'd need to know how long someone will be gone for, I'll ask just that 'How long will you be?' or something similar. Also in her shoes, what I'd have said is exactly how long I would be gone, equally how long my partner would be left for. Because that's the important thing in a situation like this.

That is what makes me think she hadn't considered me, and my situation at all that day, only her own.

I had a counsellor through the NHS recently and he was bloody useless 😂I will consider finding a better one in the future. To be honest, I am quite skeptical with the whole counselling thing having had a few experiences with it.

Thank you for that, I have a lot to think about. I agree, and have often said she's affected by her childhood but she just doesn't see it, and has said 'it was normal back then' and things like that. It makes me want to cry when she describes some of the things he did to her, and he's still abusing her Mother. I hated staying there for that reason too. I heard him balling at her in the middle of the night more than once.