To think that 'I'll be out for a couple hours' means 'I'll be out for two hours' (or close, at least)?

[JustMeSammy]

It wouldn't mean around four hours? Or AIBU?

This will be quite long but I don#t want to leave information out.

I am an oldie on here but I've changed my name in case anybody recognises the situation who knows me or her-I don't know whether to call her DP as we don't live together and haven't been seeing one another very long.

We met at work when I was on secondment in her area but I live around 2 and a half/three hours from her and we decided to just see what happened and if it worked we could look at getting a place together.

There was an event in a town near her this Saturday just gone that we both fancied going to so she invited me over for the weekend. IIf I visit I normally just stay Friday and Saturdya night but this one, I told her that as I had the Monday off too this week, maybe I could stay over Sunday night and we could do something Sunday too?

She said yes that would be good, but that she was doing her hobby that day, but that she'd only be gone a couple of hours. She offered to not do it but I said no, that's fine, I don't mind being left for a couple of hours. She lives in a lovely place and I would just go to the shops or go grab a drink somewhere and read my book or whatever (or hang about at hers, weather/mood depending).

We go to event on Saturday, all good and on the way back we stop for a drink, and I ask something like 'Okay remind me about tomorrow, when are you leaving and coming back so we can plan what we can do' and she said she'd be leaving around 12:30pm and back around 16:30 pm.

I was a bit like 'WTF you said you'd be gone a couple of hours and that's 4?! She said 'yeh a couple of hours' I said no, a couple of hours is two hours! I can easily kill a couple of hours at yours but not 4! We argued although not a 'heated' argument as I am a very 'cool' person and don't like to argue but in the end she said 'right I won't go then!!!' And I said no, you go. I think that if she DIDN'T go she'd tell her hobby friends that I had stopped her or told her not to and I don't want that

I am really quite annoyed. Feel I am worth a bit more than that-if she's going to have me over she can't be gone out for the best part of the day (and a quarter of it) I'd also never do that to her.

She continued to argue that a couple of hours doesn't have to mean two.
She also kept explaining things like 'well the thing at hobby takes two hours but I've got to get there and back and that takes X amount of time and then I have to be there a bit of time before and then we have to do this afterwards....' etc etc and I said none of that is relevant! You said a couple of hours and you meant four!

I tried framing it to her that if her work asked her to stay behind for two hours, and she agreed but then they expected her to stay behind for four, would that be okay? She said 'Wouldn't bother me!' so I said well you'd just do four hours woudl you?

She said no!

I asked if we were a couple and she says yes, and I said 'well how many of us are there!!'

As it was, I came home today I felt quite unwanted and unappreciated. It's quite a long drive, and I was looking forward to another day with her. I didn't mind two hours, but not four.

I have no idea how this thread is going to go!

AIBU to have left?
AIBU to feel unwanted/unappreciated?

AIBU to think that 'couple of hours' means two hours (obviously with a bit of give and take, I'd not mind if someone said a couple of hours and it turned out to be just under or over).

AIBU to think It's rude to have someone be with you for the day and then bog off to do something else for a lot of it, leaving them by themselves in a town they don't know? At least without telling them the truth about it?

I'd never do that and I told her this-to which she said that it wouldn't bother her if I did.

That is true, thank you. I guess I know that on MN it can be annoying to many when people start a thread, have replies and don't bother addressing any of them😂

Not always.

In my eyes a couple is two - so YANBU. Anything more is several !!
This is almost as bad being told when babysitting that it will be 4 hours and the parents rock up 9 hours later!! I now always ask for a pinpointed time and say I need to be gone by then!!

I agree that a couple of hours is 2 hrs. If she was gone 2 and a half then fair enough as it's not nice to have to clock watch but 4 hours is not a couple of hours.
Maybe she was just confused and thought a couple of hours could mean 4.

I’ve read all of your posts OP, and this is so much bigger than whether “a couple of hours” means strictly 2 hours or not.

Why are you even in this relationship? What are you getting out of it?

It’s long distance and she doesn’t have an appropriate place to host you.

She gets annoyed that you don’t want to stay with her parents including her abusive dad (who has been horrible even to you!).

She refuses to do the adult thing and stay in a hotel
or air bnb with you, because it would be slightly inconvenient for her to manage her dogs.

She is awful to you around her friends.

She doesn’t communicate in a way that works for you in terms of her style, method (no phone calls) or frequency (you can do entire weekends without hearing from her).

She demanded you gave up your hobby, but doesn’t appear willing to make any concessions with her own hobby.

I get that she has ASD and that may explain some of the lack of empathy and communication stuff, but you know that you don’t have to stay in this relationship when it quite clearly is not meeting your needs, right? You do not have to stay with someone and accept rubbish treatment just because she has ASD.

And yes, I agree with PP that you need therapy. Not counselling, and not the rubbish 6 sessions of CBT you’ll get with the NHS after a 2+ year wait. Ideally you need to find a private psychologist / psychotherapist with a special interest in treating abuse victims and trauma.

I grew up in an Irish household in the UK. In my teens I got a Saturday job at a greengrocery stall in the local market. Someone asked me for a couple of lemons. I was completely baffled and asked how many they wanted. Again they said a couple. To them a couple always meant two. To me a couple was an indeterminate number but probably in the lower single figures. When it is used in the context of two people in a relationship that is something completely different - it means two.

This is simply an issue of language that over this thread seems to have gone off in all sorts of directions - largely due to different posters, adamantly, holding one of the two different understandings of the word couple in reference to hours.

You and your girlfriend have had a linguistic miscommunication nothing more. Notch it up to experience and consider it a part of getting to know each other better. Next time she says 'a couple', just clarify what she means. Hopefully you'll be laughing about this soon.

The post has been useful for me though. Since the lemon incident, I had assumed using the word couple for more than two things was just a weirdity of my own family. This made me take the time to look up the definition and it can, indeed, mean more than two.

I will respond to this one as I missed it yesterday before I said I'd not necessarily respond to those who hadn't read my following responses.

I didn't 'kick off' (what does that even mean?).

I didn't say 'I only like the beach at hers' in the context of 'that's all I like about her' if that's what you mean here.

I think in this context, where I had nowhere to really be, I did need to know a time, perhaps not an exact one-but at least one close to how long she'd realistically be gone for.

She won't do that-our relationship tips the balance in that I have to accommodate her ASD a LOT, whereas she finds it difficult to acknowledge any need I might have however small.

This is known by both me and her.

Well, you only have to read posts on here about how ASD is unaccommodated for, people are discriminative toward people with it, people don't try to understand it, ASD people are marginalised etc. That's where I come from with it really. I didn't ever feel I should not accept ASD traits as abusive or neglectful to me or the relationship or that it is acceptable to not be around someone because they have ASD, not be in a relationship with them, not try to be understanding-would that not be ableist?

There was a huge thread running recently about how much ASD is disliked on here/the internet. People saying 'Cassandra Syndrome' is not a real thing and is ableist-etc etc.

If you had made no efforts to understand your partner's ASD, or make any accommodations for her needs, and the ONLY reason you didn't want to continue a relationship with your partner was specifically that she is autistic, then yes, that would be abelist.

But's that's not the case here, OP.

You have made huge efforts to adjust your own behaviour and your expectations to accommodate her ASD.

Still, there appear to be many other issues with this relationship that have nothing to do with her being autistic.

Anytime that she does anything she says it is down to her ASD and I am not just saying that she makes it up or implies it or blames things on it-I can definitely always see that it could be at least.

I'll try to think of an example but I have so many and some harder to explain than others.

God this is so dramatic.

I was followed home once, and obviously was quite shaken by it.

I managed to lose him because luckily he misjudged how fast I walk, and then he stumbled or tripped or something. I was quite shaken though.

I text her, and she didn't say anything much to it just 'Ah well you're home now'. She says that's ASD-I felt quite uncared for and was upset and had it happened to her I'd have rang immediately.

Leaving events without me-ASD, 'didn't think you'd care that I left, you seemed to be having a good time' (FWIW, I really absolutely wasn't, being around her friends and family isn't bad per se, but I go to see her!) but yes, ASD because she 'wouldn't care if I did that' -I never would! If she was in my neck of the woods, she's my guest and my priority-I make sure she's okay. And I'd be like that even if she was just a friend.

Stonewalling if I want to talk about anything deeper than the next TV programme or where to go shopping, because she doesn't like that, because she 'Has ASD' and 'hates talking would quite happily never do it'.

She took something I said in a completely different way to I meant it one time.

I was referring to one thing, she thought I meant something else. I explained that I didn't mean that.

Later on in the night (she'd been at aforementioned hobby and was drunk as they'd all gone out afterwards) she sent me a lot of messages telling me how 'pissed off' she was at me about my over reacting to (thing I wasn't talking about). I replied numerous times saying she hadn't read the message properly, that wasn't what I meant at all, but she was fixated on what she thought I'd meant.

I eventually stopped responding. She says this is ASD as 'her brain had fixated on that thing, and she couldn't change it'. Although the next day, she did re-read the messages and said she understood how what I had said wasn't about what she thought and it made much more sense the way I had meant it.

Of course I am paraphrasing. But yes, everything she has done that has upset me, she puts down to ASD. Including as I have mentioned before, the infrequent telephone calls and not being able to handle me being present while around her friends.

So putting aside whether all of the upsets & relationship issues are all down to her ASD... because I disagree that everything you've listed can be attributed solely to ASD, but the point I was trying to make is, what are the good bits of this relationship @JustMeSammy ?

What do you like/love about her?

Do you see a future with her?

When you think about moving in together (which I think you mentioned earlier in the thread) - how does that make you feel?

Has she ever made any compromises for your comfort? Even a small attempt?

From what you've written in this thread, it sounds like there's a lot mental gymnastics and soul searching regarding the "bad" parts of the relationship and whether or not you "should" be accepting these parts because of her ASD... but where's the good stuff??

I'd be genuinely interested to know which parts you are uncertain are down to ASD? I mean, I do agree that some people may do those things for different (more sinister/manipulate or downright mean) reasons-of course, just in her case if she explains that her ASD means that (for instance) she wouldn't expect a call if something untoward had happened because that's not my problem. She wouldn't mind me leaving her if she was having a good time, because she's happy and if I wanted to leave fair enough-her ASD means she doesn't form that close connection or have the mindfulness that someone has come to see HER, not others-it doesn't 'compute'. She decided a long time ago that X is Y and that's that-difficult for her to change that whereas to someone without ASD, they can listen to a new opinion and think 'Hm yes actually that might change things'-she can't do that.

First thing that comes to mind about my comfort are things such as (yes) she'll give me her coat if I'm cold. She's a much more confident driver than me and always drives and has moved my car out of tricky spots-not due to me asking just 'bit of a squeeze that, I'll do it'. She likes to cook for me and as I have a specific (slightly restricted) diet, if she sees any new product that she thinks I'd like, she'll buy it. I think she is fundamentally kind, but just doesn't really know how to form a close relationship although I also do believe that deep down she would like to have one.

Hence this thread-she was fixated on HER day, didn't think about mine-such like 'what's it got to do with me?' same as when she'd leave me at events etc.

Do you also have ASD, @JustMeSammy?

You sound like every toxic partner I’m relieved to call an ex

No, already answered this twice upthread.

Hi OP, sorry I have read through now and have seen your replies.

I know you say you work with people with autism and know the signs at how it presents in women but have you ever been assessed? Only because there is a reason so many people have asked... The way you respond and react to this thread (which is not a criticism!) does just make me wonder if you are similar in real life and that is making things difficult in your relationship, including the way a lot of things seem to be on her terms.

I really see no signs of autism in myself and there are zero factors that would point to it. I just wanted to know accurately how long I'd have to hang around waiting. I don't think that's a trait of autism, as I've said upthread, I saw that as having good manners and consideration for someone who is visiting you as a guest.

If I hadn't have brought it up, I could have been sitting around at roughly the two hour mark wondering where she was. I can see that her ASD can forge that linear thinking 'this is what I am doing' not considering what one's partner has to do as a result.

I also think work colleagues and friends in the same field would have definitely said something about it if they suspected it (well, I know they would). It's a very common topic of conversation.

U you made a decision to go to her based on her information, her information was incorrect and in turn left you with an out come you were unhappy with.
I'd have been annoyed too if someone bogged off for 4 hours when I was coming.