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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 'I'll be out for a couple hours' means 'I'll be out for two hours' (or close, at least)?

321 replies

JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 19:09

It wouldn't mean around four hours? Or AIBU?

This will be quite long but I don#t want to leave information out.

I am an oldie on here but I've changed my name in case anybody recognises the situation who knows me or her-I don't know whether to call her DP as we don't live together and haven't been seeing one another very long.

We met at work when I was on secondment in her area but I live around 2 and a half/three hours from her and we decided to just see what happened and if it worked we could look at getting a place together.

There was an event in a town near her this Saturday just gone that we both fancied going to so she invited me over for the weekend. IIf I visit I normally just stay Friday and Saturdya night but this one, I told her that as I had the Monday off too this week, maybe I could stay over Sunday night and we could do something Sunday too?

She said yes that would be good, but that she was doing her hobby that day, but that she'd only be gone a couple of hours. She offered to not do it but I said no, that's fine, I don't mind being left for a couple of hours. She lives in a lovely place and I would just go to the shops or go grab a drink somewhere and read my book or whatever (or hang about at hers, weather/mood depending).

We go to event on Saturday, all good and on the way back we stop for a drink, and I ask something like 'Okay remind me about tomorrow, when are you leaving and coming back so we can plan what we can do' and she said she'd be leaving around 12:30pm and back around 16:30 pm.

I was a bit like 'WTF you said you'd be gone a couple of hours and that's 4?! She said 'yeh a couple of hours' I said no, a couple of hours is two hours! I can easily kill a couple of hours at yours but not 4! We argued Sadalthough not a 'heated' argument as I am a very 'cool' person and don't like to argue but in the end she said 'right I won't go then!!!' And I said no, you go. I think that if she DIDN'T go she'd tell her hobby friends that I had stopped her or told her not to and I don't want that Sad

I am really quite annoyed. Feel I am worth a bit more than that-if she's going to have me over she can't be gone out for the best part of the day (and a quarter of it) I'd also never do that to her.

She continued to argue that a couple of hours doesn't have to mean two.
She also kept explaining things like 'well the thing at hobby takes two hours but I've got to get there and back and that takes X amount of time and then I have to be there a bit of time before and then we have to do this afterwards....' etc etc and I said none of that is relevant! You said a couple of hours and you meant four!

I tried framing it to her that if her work asked her to stay behind for two hours, and she agreed but then they expected her to stay behind for four, would that be okay? She said 'Wouldn't bother me!' so I said well you'd just do four hours woudl you?

She said no!

I asked if we were a couple and she says yes, and I said 'well how many of us are there!!'

As it was, I came home today Sad I felt quite unwanted and unappreciated. It's quite a long drive, and I was looking forward to another day with her. I didn't mind two hours, but not four.

I have no idea how this thread is going to go!

AIBU to have left?
AIBU to feel unwanted/unappreciated?

AIBU to think that 'couple of hours' means two hours (obviously with a bit of give and take, I'd not mind if someone said a couple of hours and it turned out to be just under or over).

AIBU to think It's rude to have someone be with you for the day and then bog off to do something else for a lot of it, leaving them by themselves in a town they don't know? At least without telling them the truth about it?

I'd never do that and I told her this-to which she said that it wouldn't bother her if I did.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/07/2024 19:14

You knew before you went she had something on though. I agree I would think around 2 hours but I don’t think 4 is unreasonable and I think if it mattered that much to you then you should have checked sooner.

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 19:15

I just never expected her to not tell me the truth. Sad

OP posts:
Happygogoat · 21/07/2024 19:16

YANBU. I would also assume a couple of hours meant perhaps 2.5 hours absent total, and agree that’s a reasonable timeframe to entertain yourself but that 4 hours isn’t. It would have been unreasonable to keep her from hobby but presumably this means you just would have had clarity over the plan sooner and made your own arrangements.

If DP is suggesting you can’t be annoyed about this because they wouldn’t be in the reverse, that’s a red flag to thrash out now if you haven’t been together long. You’re entitled to feel how you feel.

Sounds like she wasn’t being malicious (although I do think it’s weird to assume when she says a couple it meant 4!) and ultimately it’s nice she wanted to see you before/after hobby but this is a good exercise in making sure comms are clear in future and you can be on the same page!

Wormfanclub · 21/07/2024 19:17

Unfortunately I think YABU.

I read your title and immediately “between 2-4hrs” popped into my head. So I don’t think 4hrs was unreasonable.

NotARealWookiie · 21/07/2024 19:17

a couple of hours does generally mean around 2 but I wouldn’t have got mad about 4, probably just said “oh I didn’t think it would be that long”

ToofHurty · 21/07/2024 19:17

”A couple” of hours is 2 hours.

“A few” hours is 3+

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 19:18

Happygogoat · 21/07/2024 19:16

YANBU. I would also assume a couple of hours meant perhaps 2.5 hours absent total, and agree that’s a reasonable timeframe to entertain yourself but that 4 hours isn’t. It would have been unreasonable to keep her from hobby but presumably this means you just would have had clarity over the plan sooner and made your own arrangements.

If DP is suggesting you can’t be annoyed about this because they wouldn’t be in the reverse, that’s a red flag to thrash out now if you haven’t been together long. You’re entitled to feel how you feel.

Sounds like she wasn’t being malicious (although I do think it’s weird to assume when she says a couple it meant 4!) and ultimately it’s nice she wanted to see you before/after hobby but this is a good exercise in making sure comms are clear in future and you can be on the same page!

That's true-I mean, I may not have even gone to the event if I knew I only had one full day with her if I am honest-I might have done, but I never had the chance to make an informed decision.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 21/07/2024 19:18

You knew she was going to something pre arranged on Sunday and you’re bickering with her because of her terminology - seriously?

I think YABU and j don’t agree you’re a ‘cool’ person - you sound like you’re being rather controlling imo.

She told you before she left she’s be 4 hours - you chose to leave rather than wait for her to come back.

something2say · 21/07/2024 19:19

Your truth is that a couple of hours means two hours. Its not 'the truth.'

But getting to your issue, imo it is too much to expect to take up someone's entire weekend when before they met you. they had things they did with people they knew and liked regularly. You cannot expect all of her time. I am concerned that you think you can and you've got in such a huff about not being able to, on day three of her private time.

YABU in my view, sorry....

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 19:19

I guess to some people a couple doesn't mean a couple?

I may not have gone at all. She does the hobby twice or more a week for what it is worth, apart from if she travels to see me.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 21/07/2024 19:19

I think that you are just being a bit literal.

A couple of hours for a hobby, can easily mean couple of hours for the hobby, time to get there, coffee afterwards etc, so easily four hours.

I genuinely don't understand why having to occupy yourself for four hours is that much or a big deal than two hours

FuzzyStripes · 21/07/2024 19:19

I also think four hours is a reasonable interpretation of a couple of hours. To me, it’s an amount of time that I know will be over an hour but won’t be the whole day and whilst a few hours is a better description, I probably wouldn’t know in advance that it’s something I’d be wanting to spend more than two hours on.

pinkfondu · 21/07/2024 19:19

Do you basically invited yourself then got sniffy over an extra two hours away from you

Wormfanclub · 21/07/2024 19:20

I also understand her explanation that the hobby event itself was 2hrs, but once she added travel time etc it’s closer to four. It explains why she said “couple” when first mentioning it, then when she had to be more specific, she said the time she would leave & return.

I also think hanging in a nice town by myself for 4hrs for coffee/lunch with a book and mooch round the shops sounds like heaven.

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 19:20

something2say · 21/07/2024 19:19

Your truth is that a couple of hours means two hours. Its not 'the truth.'

But getting to your issue, imo it is too much to expect to take up someone's entire weekend when before they met you. they had things they did with people they knew and liked regularly. You cannot expect all of her time. I am concerned that you think you can and you've got in such a huff about not being able to, on day three of her private time.

YABU in my view, sorry....

I didn't expect it. I just expected her to not be gone so long. I only see her every few weeks anyway.

OP posts:
splatmouse · 21/07/2024 19:20

Personally, no, I don't think 'a couple of things is precisely two things. I also don't think 'several items' is literally seven items. If you mean '2', say '2'. If you mean '7', say '7'. Phrases like 'a couple' or 'a handful' are ambiguous by design.

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 19:21

I knew I'd leave some information out, but maybe it is important to mention that when I have visited before, she's gone to do the hobby and it has been about an hour and a half. That may make my assumption a little more reasonable. I didn't mind waiting for that.

OP posts:
Itisjustmyopinion · 21/07/2024 19:21

Sounds like you massively overreacted. I would have expected that the hobby would be a couple of hours plus travel time. Four wouldn’t have been a shock and I certainly wouldn’t have thrown a strop about it

HamBagelNoCheese · 21/07/2024 19:22

You can't entertain yourself for 4 hours?

BirthdayRainbow · 21/07/2024 19:22

A couple is clearly two what with a couple being two.
A few is three or four.

YANBU.

Dishwashersaurous · 21/07/2024 19:22

Is this actually about the deeper issue of what is the future of this relationship?

You live hours apart and only see each other every few weeks

Runbunny · 21/07/2024 19:23

I think a couple is often used to mean a few and I don't think 4 is that wild. However, I do think being out all of Sunday afternoon, when you've invited someone over is a bit much. I was out doing my hobby this morning, but I was back by 12, so all morning, but somehow that doesn't seem as intrusive into the day as all afternoon?

Turophilic · 21/07/2024 19:23

She told you she was out for the afternoon for her hobby. In that context, I’d think 2-4 hours a reasonable range for “a couple of hours,” especially if she has to travel to get there.

She offered not to go. You insisted you’d be fine.

Under the circumstances I think you were unreasonable to think she meant a strict 2 hours. People always take far longer than they think and never factor travelling or chatting afterwards in their approximations.

There to have lunch and there before dinner is reasonable of her, for you to amuse yourself in the meantime. Does Hebden Bridge the town not have a book shop?

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 19:23

pinkfondu · 21/07/2024 19:19

Do you basically invited yourself then got sniffy over an extra two hours away from you

She constantly says I don't visit her often enough, she comes to me more often. If that makes any difference-so I did think I was doing the right thing. And of course she could have said no, she was busy that day (which she was as it turned out).

I didn't raise my voice or be aggressive in the 'argumemt' I just got upset at being (in my view) misled. She's prone to 'storming off' in arguments with other people and I didn't want to risk that so I was careful.

OP posts:
Wormfanclub · 21/07/2024 19:24

I can see your side of it, OP, but I just think you have to be a bit more flexible in relationships.

My husband does a hobby that sometimes goes long - advertised for 2hrs, but then more competitors turn up, and it’s closer to 5. I have to entertain the kids in town and wait for him. It doesn’t bother me, because it makes him really happy.

Equally if I went for some child-free hobby time and had a partner breathing down my neck about how long it was taking, I would be really unhappy.