To think that 'I'll be out for a couple hours' means 'I'll be out for two hours' (or close, at least)?

[JustMeSammy]

It wouldn't mean around four hours? Or AIBU?

This will be quite long but I don#t want to leave information out.

I am an oldie on here but I've changed my name in case anybody recognises the situation who knows me or her-I don't know whether to call her DP as we don't live together and haven't been seeing one another very long.

We met at work when I was on secondment in her area but I live around 2 and a half/three hours from her and we decided to just see what happened and if it worked we could look at getting a place together.

There was an event in a town near her this Saturday just gone that we both fancied going to so she invited me over for the weekend. IIf I visit I normally just stay Friday and Saturdya night but this one, I told her that as I had the Monday off too this week, maybe I could stay over Sunday night and we could do something Sunday too?

She said yes that would be good, but that she was doing her hobby that day, but that she'd only be gone a couple of hours. She offered to not do it but I said no, that's fine, I don't mind being left for a couple of hours. She lives in a lovely place and I would just go to the shops or go grab a drink somewhere and read my book or whatever (or hang about at hers, weather/mood depending).

We go to event on Saturday, all good and on the way back we stop for a drink, and I ask something like 'Okay remind me about tomorrow, when are you leaving and coming back so we can plan what we can do' and she said she'd be leaving around 12:30pm and back around 16:30 pm.

I was a bit like 'WTF you said you'd be gone a couple of hours and that's 4?! She said 'yeh a couple of hours' I said no, a couple of hours is two hours! I can easily kill a couple of hours at yours but not 4! We argued although not a 'heated' argument as I am a very 'cool' person and don't like to argue but in the end she said 'right I won't go then!!!' And I said no, you go. I think that if she DIDN'T go she'd tell her hobby friends that I had stopped her or told her not to and I don't want that

I am really quite annoyed. Feel I am worth a bit more than that-if she's going to have me over she can't be gone out for the best part of the day (and a quarter of it) I'd also never do that to her.

She continued to argue that a couple of hours doesn't have to mean two.
She also kept explaining things like 'well the thing at hobby takes two hours but I've got to get there and back and that takes X amount of time and then I have to be there a bit of time before and then we have to do this afterwards....' etc etc and I said none of that is relevant! You said a couple of hours and you meant four!

I tried framing it to her that if her work asked her to stay behind for two hours, and she agreed but then they expected her to stay behind for four, would that be okay? She said 'Wouldn't bother me!' so I said well you'd just do four hours woudl you?

She said no!

I asked if we were a couple and she says yes, and I said 'well how many of us are there!!'

As it was, I came home today I felt quite unwanted and unappreciated. It's quite a long drive, and I was looking forward to another day with her. I didn't mind two hours, but not four.

I have no idea how this thread is going to go!

AIBU to have left?
AIBU to feel unwanted/unappreciated?

AIBU to think that 'couple of hours' means two hours (obviously with a bit of give and take, I'd not mind if someone said a couple of hours and it turned out to be just under or over).

AIBU to think It's rude to have someone be with you for the day and then bog off to do something else for a lot of it, leaving them by themselves in a town they don't know? At least without telling them the truth about it?

I'd never do that and I told her this-to which she said that it wouldn't bother her if I did.

I didn't, I just wanted to be properly aware of how long the times would be. If she'd have told me four hours, I wouldn't have said 'No, you can only go for two hours'. I'd have just decided whether to stay the Sunday, with that information present, or decided whether to go for just the Saturday, if it would be worth it. If I had, I'd have decided what to do within that four hours. I might have taken my running stuff and gone for a run, or taken something suitable for going for a long walk (for example).

What do you mean about the 'unstable' bit, please?

I know I've other things to consider

"No more so than I'd want you stressing me out because I said see you at 430. If you're staying, stay. If you're not, go. What we're not going to do, however, is all you've typed there."

Sorry, I do not understand this part of your post at all?

With respect, you don't sound like a very 'cool' person

I guess I feel I am because of other things she's done, I don't get mad, angry or anything such as, I just try to talk to her about it. She always says It's ASD or 'I dont think like you'. Even when this was sprung on me I was upset, but I didn't get angry about it, just upset. I can't really, as I know she's prone to 'storming off' etc if that happens. She's told me that.

Have RTFT but I'd say 2-3 hours plus travel. I think if you were going to get a bee in your bonnet about it, you should have either said ok when she offered not to go or just gone home on Sunday morning

I didn't want to be 'that' person stopping her doing her hobby. I also slightly suspect that, because of how she's been with me over it, she'd assume that's why I was stopping her-and/or she'd tell her hobby friends that I'd stopped her. I didn't want to come across as being difficult.

The fuck?

A couple definitely means two ("a married couple") but several doesn't and never has meant seven! Where did you get that nonsense from?

That confused me too! But that poster said it was a teacher who told her it I thinkl(from memory).

To the OP, a couple means two but if someone said they'd be out for a couple of hours, I'd expect a bit of leeway. So... maybe three hours.

And if I was expecting someone to be out for three hours but they were gone for four, I wouldn't think twice about it, especially if they'd warned me they'd be that long. Over the course of a weekend, I don't think it's very consequential.

Oh get over yourself

I wouldn't be bothered in different contexts. For a partner I lived with, for example, or in most other 'everyday' contexts.

This wasn't one of them, I was there especially to visit her, I didn't have a proper 'base' as it feels a bit wrong hanging about at someone else's house anyway, and I had to make plans for what to do while she was gone. And I thought I had asked her outright how long she'd be, to make allowances for that-I wanted to know how long I was meant to entertain myself while she was gone. In most other contexts, you don't have to do that. E.G my Mum is visiting me at home tomorrow. I am at home all day working, so it doesn't really matter what time she comes and if she says at 10:00 'I'll be a couple of hours' I'd not really be bothered if she arrived later-because I am at home, and busy anyway. Not having to wait about or find something to do.

Several has never meant or been synonymous with seven. It means “some” “a few” “a handful”. The fact it says “sev” at the start is simply coincidence.

A couple does mean 2, though is sometimes used more loosely.

11 pages - wow! Including FOUR pages of your own comments, @JustMeSammy ...

Read those back. It should be clear that (a) she is completely wrong for you, and (b), as several posters have pointed out, you are VERY hard work.

Seriously, how do you manage to get through life? How do you cope with your other relationships?

And in case it still isn't clear: you need therapy.

I thought I was doing the right thing by responding to as many replies as I could. I am grateful to get as many, I didn't think I would?

What is 'hard work' about me?

I have no other difficulties with relationships with anyone else at all! Close to Mum, plenty of friends. No major problems in life, just everyday ups and down like everyone else.

Flashback to when I was in primary school and asked my mum for a couple of Frosties for breakfast. She passed me a bowl with two in giggling to herself. Prior to this incident I thought a couple meant a small amount, not specifically 2.

Realistically she should have used a few. However, you both should have worked all this out before the weekend, and did it really need to be an argument?

Next time you both need to work on your communication skills.

A bit patronising, don't you think?

If you read the updates, you'll find out that there were previous cases when the GF went for the same hobby and it took literally a couple of hours (=less than two).
In this case it isn't unreasonable to suppose something is business as usual unless the other party says otherwise. Asking for precise times and verification on repeated occasions would be really weird.

I really thought I had by asking how long she'd be, so I guess that was the issue.
I too remember learning when a couple meant two, when I was told to take a couple of biscuits and was told that I should've taken two, not 5!

I think we argued because I got upset that in previous conversations before the weekend, she hadn't told me it'd be four hours. Only the night before. I couldn't see why she'd not mentioned it before. I will definitely be more careful with how I word questions, I won't ask her how long she'll be anywhere, I'll ask her what time from/until. If any such situation arises again.

I think it would be weird, too-I am sure I said this in previous responses. I don't think I've ever asked someone how long they'd be somewhere, by doing that.

'What time are you leaving and what time are you coming back' is just not something I'd say in this context. Just 'How long will you be so I can decide what to do'. And yes, I think the fact that it is usually much shorter is relevant and I should have mentioned it. I think it was unreasonable of her to assume I would automatically know that this time was different, there was no way of my knowing that without her telling me.

The word "several" has nothing to do with the number seven.

I'm very literal, so "a couple" definitely means two to me, but as I've been literal since I was a kid I know that other people play fast and loose with quantifiers and usually ask "what's a couple here?" if it matters.

In OP's case I would put it down to a simple miscommunication and not get all huffy. Also, I would have no problem entertaining myself for four hours.

Assuming we are awake for 16 hours a day that still leaves 8 hours together, which is plenty.

I was upset when she told me, but I didn't leave in a huff. I just decided that having only just learned that I'd be left for four hours, when previously it has been much less than that, I didn't want to hang around for that long. I felt she should have made it clear, as it was important to in this context. Although I have mentioned other issues, there hasn't been a situation like this before. I've always known when she'd be back from the hobby, once I stopped going to it with her, and any other time I've stayed with her and she's gone out. I also felt she may have deliberately misled me-I don't think that now.

I wouldn't have a problem entertaining myself for four hours, I just felt it important that I knew (and not just the night before) that it would be four hours, before I decided whether to stay, whether to visit, and so that I could plan something to do.

I think she should have also felt that four hours is longer than normal, and that I'd need to know that.

I didn't say it was.

I said it wasn't.

Yes, I know that now, sorry. I replied before reading all your responses.

I understand where you're coming from op. I actually think you sound very patient tbh, both with pps (who've given you a pretty hard time - myself included) and with your girlfriend.

For me, emotional intelligence is a prerequisite in relationships so I'd find your partner's traits that you describe impossible to live with. I hope there is more than enough positive to balance things out for you.

I didn’t mean to be patronising. Infact I was just mainly trying to tell a memory that popped into my head.

I missed the couple of hour previous response buried in the middle of an awful lot of responses saying the same thing. I didn’t read 5 pages of responses either (still haven’t). But there has been a drip feed of information (e.g. the fact she lives with her parents/ they stay with a friend).

All I meant is that the majority of people don’t communicate well (myself included), and that it is something that needs to be worked at in all areas of life, not just relationships (look at the majority of workplaces and things that go awry due to lack of/bad communication).

The girlfriend offered not to go and to stay with him when she realised he was upset about the time (and possibly when he said he ‘might’ stay on Sunday). OP told her to go, but then complained to MN. OP also wants her to be clear with her plans, but states that they said they only might stay around on Sunday.

OP later states that his girlfriend has autism. Even more reason why it is important to work on communication and explaining how you are feeling.

OP, I'm autistic myself and would be surprised if you're not ASD. You say your DP is ASD -- ND people, whether diagnosed/aware or not, tend to gravitate towards each other. You say you're very literal, don't like things being sprung on you, and need to know the plans in advance. You also seem a bit rigid, which I don't mean insultingly (I'm the same way!). These are all indicative of ASD, as are your long, detailed responses on this thread. I could be wrong, obviously, but to an ASD person reading your posts, you do seem like one of us! 😁 It might be worth checking into how ASD presents in women and seeing if anything resonates?

Oh, and I'm on your side over 'a couple' meaning two! Two and a half hours at a stretch. But in my case, I wouldn't mind, since I'm antisocial to the core and would love the time to recharge!

I agree that I would expect a couple of hours to be two or two and a half not four but I wouldn't have reacted like you, I'd have been fine with reading for a bit longer or whatever. It doesn't sound like the best relationship though, I think I read your other post about her being mean to you at her hobby - she also doesn't have the right to tell you what hobbies you can and can't do. Is this really the right relationship for you?