To think that 'I'll be out for a couple hours' means 'I'll be out for two hours' (or close, at least)?

[JustMeSammy]

It wouldn't mean around four hours? Or AIBU?

This will be quite long but I don#t want to leave information out.

I am an oldie on here but I've changed my name in case anybody recognises the situation who knows me or her-I don't know whether to call her DP as we don't live together and haven't been seeing one another very long.

We met at work when I was on secondment in her area but I live around 2 and a half/three hours from her and we decided to just see what happened and if it worked we could look at getting a place together.

There was an event in a town near her this Saturday just gone that we both fancied going to so she invited me over for the weekend. IIf I visit I normally just stay Friday and Saturdya night but this one, I told her that as I had the Monday off too this week, maybe I could stay over Sunday night and we could do something Sunday too?

She said yes that would be good, but that she was doing her hobby that day, but that she'd only be gone a couple of hours. She offered to not do it but I said no, that's fine, I don't mind being left for a couple of hours. She lives in a lovely place and I would just go to the shops or go grab a drink somewhere and read my book or whatever (or hang about at hers, weather/mood depending).

We go to event on Saturday, all good and on the way back we stop for a drink, and I ask something like 'Okay remind me about tomorrow, when are you leaving and coming back so we can plan what we can do' and she said she'd be leaving around 12:30pm and back around 16:30 pm.

I was a bit like 'WTF you said you'd be gone a couple of hours and that's 4?! She said 'yeh a couple of hours' I said no, a couple of hours is two hours! I can easily kill a couple of hours at yours but not 4! We argued although not a 'heated' argument as I am a very 'cool' person and don't like to argue but in the end she said 'right I won't go then!!!' And I said no, you go. I think that if she DIDN'T go she'd tell her hobby friends that I had stopped her or told her not to and I don't want that

I am really quite annoyed. Feel I am worth a bit more than that-if she's going to have me over she can't be gone out for the best part of the day (and a quarter of it) I'd also never do that to her.

She continued to argue that a couple of hours doesn't have to mean two.
She also kept explaining things like 'well the thing at hobby takes two hours but I've got to get there and back and that takes X amount of time and then I have to be there a bit of time before and then we have to do this afterwards....' etc etc and I said none of that is relevant! You said a couple of hours and you meant four!

I tried framing it to her that if her work asked her to stay behind for two hours, and she agreed but then they expected her to stay behind for four, would that be okay? She said 'Wouldn't bother me!' so I said well you'd just do four hours woudl you?

She said no!

I asked if we were a couple and she says yes, and I said 'well how many of us are there!!'

As it was, I came home today I felt quite unwanted and unappreciated. It's quite a long drive, and I was looking forward to another day with her. I didn't mind two hours, but not four.

I have no idea how this thread is going to go!

AIBU to have left?
AIBU to feel unwanted/unappreciated?

AIBU to think that 'couple of hours' means two hours (obviously with a bit of give and take, I'd not mind if someone said a couple of hours and it turned out to be just under or over).

AIBU to think It's rude to have someone be with you for the day and then bog off to do something else for a lot of it, leaving them by themselves in a town they don't know? At least without telling them the truth about it?

I'd never do that and I told her this-to which she said that it wouldn't bother her if I did.

I could, but I'd have wanted to know beforehand if that was how long she'd have been gone for, in order to make an informed decision about whether I wanted to entertain myself for four hours, in a strange house or out of it. Four hours of time to me, needs a bit of a plan for it whereas two hours doesn't so much. Had I not have asked again I might have been wondering where she was after I'd returned to the house after two hours of walking about or whatever and become worried/wondering where she was. I'd also said to her (when I thought it was two hours) 'Oh that's fine. If the weather's nice I'll take a book and go and get a glass of wine somewhere'. Had I done that, I'd have become really puzzled if I was still sitting there after two hours and she'd not come back. I wasn't angry about the four hours, I was annoyed that she'd not been upfront about how long she'd have been gone. I didn't want it sprung on me (and it may not have even been told to me at all had I not happened to ask again) that it would be four hours she was leaving for.

She won't,she won't be bothered at all.

She won't be bothered at all.
It isn't a wind up-It wouldn't make for a very interesting one.

I don't think the police will be interested in us having a communication breakdown, they're stretched to capacity as it is.

I have struggled to navigate this relationship due to her ASD and how it affects it, and the distance, admittedly.

I didn't expect her to give it up, and I can amuse myself, I just thought I should have been told how long she would be gone, before the weekend happened, not the night before the hobby when I was already there and only because of my asking again.

Your end sentence is exactly how I felt. Lack of consideration. Although I wouldn't have gone to do my hobby for four hours if I had a visitor, I wanted to be nice and when she said she'd be gone a couple of hours (only slightly longer than the 'normal' amount of time, I thought that's absolutely fine. I'd be very mindful to tell someone clearly about how long I'd be gone for, if they were going to have to see to themselves for any amount of time.

I did say that (because I have posted about where she lives before and wanted unbiased opinions for this thread, just focused on the matter at hand, the two-four hours thing) however I have apologised and cleared that up.

I haven't changed my story in any other capacity. I said I may not have gone at all if I knew that a large chunk of the day was taken up-I may still have, but I'd have made an informed decision-and I was unable to do that.

I have never said anything such as I left on bad terms, stormed off, went off in a huff, waited until she left for the hobby then just flounced before she got back-that's things other posters have jumped to conclusions about.

I was very calm and left amicably-the only thing I told her I had a problem with was her saying 'a couple of hours' when she'd be gone for four-I said she should have told me the truth, from the beginning-when we began planning for me to go that weekend (which I think was at least two weeks prior to it) and we'd discussed me staying an extra night, not when I was already there, the night before, just because I discussed it again-there was every chance I may not have done that and just been sitting around wondering where she was as, for two hours I might have decided to just stay at the house and wait for her-whereas with four hours I would have probably noted that I'd have to find something to do and would have thought about what.

I'm going against the grain and saying YANBU. This is exactly the sort of argument I could see myself having with my DH back when we were dating and the same outcome. In fact have had similar. He's ADHD and gets time blindness and would say a couple of hours and return 5 hours later without even realising he's been more than 2, whereas I am always on time and know exactly how long everything takes so if I say 2 hours I mean 2 hours. I would also have had my feelings hurt and got the hump and ruined the rest of the stay over it and gone home 🤷🏼‍♀️
I think the worst thing from the OP/my POV in this situation would be her minimising her fuck up and gaslighting basically by saying a couple can mean 4. Of course it can't. If she said I'm sorry I fucked up and underestimated how long it would take, please stick around and I'll make it up to you tonight I bet OP would have been fine.

Are you a woman OP? I'm assuming from your dance hobby wearing skimpy clothes that you are, but I think lots of people are assuming you're a man. I think this is one of those threads that goes a certain way because it's perceived to be a man posting, probably because it hits nerves and trigger points about controlling male partners.

I guess things have happened which may not fit the definition of 'malicious' but have been upsetting.
She is very different around certain friends and is really snappy with me in front of them. I've stopped being okay with hanging around with said friends now.
She's left me at events and gone home without telling me she has.

She stonewalls me a lot-which she puts down to ASD so I don't feel I can protest about it.
I had a cancer scare once and she didn't talk to me throughout it, again she put down to 'I dont think like you'. Many of these sorts of instances if I think about it, not wanting to 'out' myself.

She doesn't sound like much of a partner TBH

I actually had a heart-warmed feeling reading your last paragraph. I'd have LOVED if she had have done that. Perhaps given me a hug and said 'I'm sorry, my fault-please stay! We can do X this evening when I'm back!' Would have made me so happy. As it was, she was more like 'So you're going today. Okay, bye'. She wasn't at all bothered and didn't apologise. I guess I am not the only one who'd have felt this way.

I am a woman I am not sure if some people have assumed I was male. I am definitely not controlling. I have put my foot down more in this relationship however as I have noted that I have to, because she really doesn't think about me much of the time, which again she says is her ASD. I gave up on wanting her to call because she'd say she would, then not, I'd get upset and then eventually she admitted she had no intention of ever calling because she doesn't like it. Don't get me wrong, she does sometimes but It's rare and only in certain circumstances when she'll feel like doing it, I have just got used to it now (for example).

This is going nowhere. She is incredibly immature. You be honest you so sound hard work but she is awful. Sleeping in late when you're there as a guest, not supporting you through cancer scare, abandoning you at events and treating you badly in front of her friends - forget the couple of hours thing, you could have dumped her for any of these.

She did tell the truth. Just that a couple of hours means a different length of time to you than her. You are way over reacting and tbh the way you have posted makes me think I'd find you hard work if I were her.

Okay, and I do understand that (more so now). I think the crux for me is, if someone is visiting you just to see you, and you're going to be out for any length of time at all, It's important to let them know exactly how long you'll be gone for, to the best of your ability anyway obviously allowing for something going wrong (traffic etc).

Yeah, I have had the same experience finding a good counsellor. It was worth it in the end, but it took a lot of energy to keep looking and find a good fit, and there were times I really felt like it was too much bother for too little reward. It should be so much easier.

You’ve probably thought of this, but are there any women-only dance classes (or similar) you could join? It sounds as though dance gives you a lot of joy, and you need that in your life. Your DP would have no cause to complain about you being exposed to men - but more importantly, you wouldn’t have to put up with pervy men!

I hadn't thought of that actually. And I didn't note any 'perv' activity at all anyway!
But It's a good idea, to try to find a class such as that. Thank you. I do have other hobbies that she's fine with, again though I'd not go to one if she was visiting-even though she says she'd not mind.

That NHS one I honestly found such a huge waste of time! And to work for the NHS, counsellors have to be higher qualified than 'just' qualified, they have to be accredited. One thing he did ask me on the first session was if I minded him being male. I said no, and that I actually have a sight preference for male counsellors.

He then proceeded to ask me this again twice. I don't know why, but I found that very odd and also it felt like some sort of 'stalling' tactic from him, asking me that instead of talking about the issue I had actually got counselling for.

I have to say this relationship sounds very intense, overdramatic and unhealthy.

I think it’s pretty unreasonable and controlling to throw a strop at someone when you have effectively invited yourself over (yes I know she wanted you to come) and when you knew she had plans.

Technically you are right about “a couple” usually denoting two but in this context there is no way I would have mithered someone like this. It’s so petty. She was doing something already and you crashed it. It doesn’t sound like you were unwelcome but you absolutely don’t get to set parameters on her social life in these circumstances.

And on her side the remark about men “perving” over you is equally controlling.

It sounds as if you both have major trust issues and are jealous of one another and she has a problematic relationship with her family. The whole thing sounds a mess.

I think you both need some counselling.

This reply right at the top of the thread says a lot about you.
Completely over dramatic.

She also kept explaining things like 'well the thing at hobby takes two hours but I've got to get there and back and that takes X amount of time and then I have to be there a bit of time before and then we have to do this afterwards....' etc etc and I said none of that is relevant! You said a couple of hours and you meant four!
I'm a bit surprised you need this level of detail explaining to you.
You presumably know what the hobby is. It would have been very clear.

You invited yourself, and she explained she was doing this and offered not to, but you said no, it was fine. You are being ridiculous to be stropping because she then did said hobby.
Y really ABU.

She did invite me originally. The conversation I mentioned from the other day, when I said 'I might come on the Sunday too' was following other conversations where she'd invited me to come-I just hadn't decided whether to or not yet. I asked her how long she'd be at the hobby as one factor in making that decision.

I am most definitely not jealous, I do not believe I have a jealous bone in my body at all.

I didn't mind about anything to do with the hobby (there have been issues in the past to do with it, but on this particular day I just needed to know how long she would be going for, it was important, so I feel she should have been clearer when she answered me about that. I guess (as I've said upthread) I think It's important to let a visitor know your plans, including how long they'll be left to sort themselves out while you're out.

She does it every time I visit, so unless I don't want to see her at all, It's more or less inevitable that I'd 'crash' it.

I used to go with her but I don't now, because (again mentioned upthread) she's not nice to me while I am around her 'hobby friends'. I have surmised that she's a certain version of herself in front of them and feels like she can't be that when I am there so she feels awkward and lashes out at me to 'big herself up' so to speak. She'd prefer me to still go with her I think, but understands why I won't, it was just upsetting me too much.

She absolutely will not have counselling. She has a particular 'thing' that affects her a lot that she definitely needs it for, but she will no do it. She won't talk to anybody about anything 'deep', again she says this is ASD.

I didn't need it, I just needed to know how long she'd be out for. I do know what the hobby is, and didn't know she'd be gone for longer than normal for it.
I didn't invite myself.
I also didn't 'strop' at any point at all.
I didn't want her to not do the hobby.

Sorry, missed this one. Yes all of those things have been issues but due to her ASD I guess I have tried to be understanding and forgiving.

What makes me sound like hard work? Genuine question.

This level of literal must be tiring.

And who wants an adult partnership where the other person can't entertain themselves for 4 hours over a weekend 😟

I can. I just wanted to know how long it would be for, beforehand.

I have had a conversation with her about it now. She brought it up that she wished I'd have stayed.

I asked her why didn't she tell me she wanted me to stay? She said she didn't think of saying it.

I asked when would she have told me it was four hours? Because I think she likely wouldn't have at all. Had I not mentioned it, she'd have just left and said 'See you at 16:30!' and that's when I'd have found out, or perhaps just not said anything at all or 'See you later'-could she see that being a problem? She said she only thought of the actual time she was there DOING the hobby, not the (not typical) other things that were involved that day, that aren't usually involved but were that particular day, OR the travel time. I said 'fair enough, but I am left for the entire time you're out of the house, not just when you're actually engaging in the activity'.

I said I'd have stayed if she had have said she wanted me to. She didn't however, just wasn't seeming bothered by any of it at all, talked about other things only.

@JustMeSammy I get that you weren’t unwelcome and she wanted you there but I just think etiquette dictates that if someone is going to a prearranged event or doing a prearranged hobby you don’t get to put parameters in place about what time they need to be back and to get the hump with them.

To be honest that’s a more minor concern. It sounds as if she is unstable, a bit flaky and doesn’t really have her shit together.

It just all sounds like too much hard work for what you are getting out of it and throw in a lot of fairly unkind behaviour on her side I don’t think either of you are in the right place for this.

To me, it still sounds much ado about nothing.
Probably because I do not hold the idea of a couple of hours as being two hours.

No more so than I'd want you stressing me out because I said see you at 430. If you're staying, stay. If you're not, go. What we're not going to do, however, is all you've typed there.

Probably why I'm single. Or it might just be that this relationship is not right for either of you.