To think that 'I'll be out for a couple hours' means 'I'll be out for two hours' (or close, at least)?

[JustMeSammy]

It wouldn't mean around four hours? Or AIBU?

This will be quite long but I don#t want to leave information out.

I am an oldie on here but I've changed my name in case anybody recognises the situation who knows me or her-I don't know whether to call her DP as we don't live together and haven't been seeing one another very long.

We met at work when I was on secondment in her area but I live around 2 and a half/three hours from her and we decided to just see what happened and if it worked we could look at getting a place together.

There was an event in a town near her this Saturday just gone that we both fancied going to so she invited me over for the weekend. IIf I visit I normally just stay Friday and Saturdya night but this one, I told her that as I had the Monday off too this week, maybe I could stay over Sunday night and we could do something Sunday too?

She said yes that would be good, but that she was doing her hobby that day, but that she'd only be gone a couple of hours. She offered to not do it but I said no, that's fine, I don't mind being left for a couple of hours. She lives in a lovely place and I would just go to the shops or go grab a drink somewhere and read my book or whatever (or hang about at hers, weather/mood depending).

We go to event on Saturday, all good and on the way back we stop for a drink, and I ask something like 'Okay remind me about tomorrow, when are you leaving and coming back so we can plan what we can do' and she said she'd be leaving around 12:30pm and back around 16:30 pm.

I was a bit like 'WTF you said you'd be gone a couple of hours and that's 4?! She said 'yeh a couple of hours' I said no, a couple of hours is two hours! I can easily kill a couple of hours at yours but not 4! We argued although not a 'heated' argument as I am a very 'cool' person and don't like to argue but in the end she said 'right I won't go then!!!' And I said no, you go. I think that if she DIDN'T go she'd tell her hobby friends that I had stopped her or told her not to and I don't want that

I am really quite annoyed. Feel I am worth a bit more than that-if she's going to have me over she can't be gone out for the best part of the day (and a quarter of it) I'd also never do that to her.

She continued to argue that a couple of hours doesn't have to mean two.
She also kept explaining things like 'well the thing at hobby takes two hours but I've got to get there and back and that takes X amount of time and then I have to be there a bit of time before and then we have to do this afterwards....' etc etc and I said none of that is relevant! You said a couple of hours and you meant four!

I tried framing it to her that if her work asked her to stay behind for two hours, and she agreed but then they expected her to stay behind for four, would that be okay? She said 'Wouldn't bother me!' so I said well you'd just do four hours woudl you?

She said no!

I asked if we were a couple and she says yes, and I said 'well how many of us are there!!'

As it was, I came home today I felt quite unwanted and unappreciated. It's quite a long drive, and I was looking forward to another day with her. I didn't mind two hours, but not four.

I have no idea how this thread is going to go!

AIBU to have left?
AIBU to feel unwanted/unappreciated?

AIBU to think that 'couple of hours' means two hours (obviously with a bit of give and take, I'd not mind if someone said a couple of hours and it turned out to be just under or over).

AIBU to think It's rude to have someone be with you for the day and then bog off to do something else for a lot of it, leaving them by themselves in a town they don't know? At least without telling them the truth about it?

I'd never do that and I told her this-to which she said that it wouldn't bother her if I did.

EI always was to me too. I was kind of 'drip fed' a lot of her issues which made things more difficult.

I am quite a patient person, but I also realise that I excluded some things from the OP and changed some details which turned out to be relevant, so some posters may have got the wrong idea through my fault.

Yes, I appreciate I should have included that I didn't really have anywhere to 'be' at least not without it feeling a bit odd/awkward. I didn't want a hugely long OP, nor did I want it linking to previous posts-and I obviously made some mistakes there.

I am not a man!

Plus, she said that when she was quite annoyed at my reaction to her (finally) telling me it would be four hours, because I happened to mention it the night before. She would have been annoyed with me had I done that, and I'd have felt guilty about it.

There's no real point me explaining feelings to DP as she just doesn't really understand unfortunately. Which she admits to an extent.

I am not autistic. (Outing again) my field of work involves working with adults with ASD. I know the traits, and I am one of the few of the team who is given some of the more difficult cases.

I don't mind some things being sprung on me. It was this particular situation whereby I felt it was important for me to know the plans, properly. I feel that is basic manners-wanting manners does not make someone autistic.

I am familiar with how it presents in women, and I have none of the traits (give or take that I think everyone of us might have one or two small behaviour patterns that some people with ASD may also have-humans autistic or not, are diverse in their habits and patterns.

I also didn't say that I am very literal. I said that in this context, I needed to know if she'd be gone longer than normal, I needed to know how long for, and she didn't tell me. Yes, I had an issue with that.

I don't think it is really comparable to situations other posters have compared it to 'I wouldn't be bothered if my husband did this'-fine, and in that situation I'd not either. But I do not have a spouse, I have a LDR-this situation did not involve someone you see all the time popping out for a bit longer than they said. It involved me, with someone I don't have time with very often, in a strange place (not at home or anywhere home-like) who had gone especially to spend time with this person, and travelled a long way. I'd have needed to sort out that time frame for myself. It's different.

Fair enough, @JustMeSammy! I could have sworn you said you were very literal, but I must have hallucinated it. I apologise; I shouldn't have said anything.

She was not lying. A couple is a very vague term, and if you generally live alone, the concept of time becomes meaningless -indeed, days go by almost unnoticed.
Also, you knew she had a commitment, and while you were too worried about what other might think of you to tell her not to go, that was exactly what you wanted. Admit it. So then you got into your head, thinking she SHOULD/SHOULD NOT do 'x' and she should know by osmosis what you actually wanted, rather than what you said you wanted, and that is not fair because I had an extra day off and I expected her to be with me. Me. Me.
So no, she did not lie

I really don't think I did? I just thought that in this situation it was important to let me know the total time I'd need to wait. Thank you.

I live alone, she lives with her parents.

No, I won't admit to something that isn't true, at all. I discussed it with her beforehand. Had she said she'd be gone for (for example) all day and night, I'd have not gone but that's different-I was happy for her to go for a short length of time.

Couple in the context of 2 humans means to bring together, not the number of people! Train carriages are coupled, as are lorries and a myriad of other things

But surely you can stay in an airbnb or hotel even if she doesn't want to

She misled, you misinterpreted...
You say either, I say either...
Have a convo about communication because you and DP are not managing this at the moment. But then again, MN is packed with people unable to communicate with their other half...

She really doesn't want me to, wants us to go to bed together at night, be in the same place etc. I have asked on more than one occasion.

I have definitely vowed that for future I am going to have to be very 'ELI5' about communications!

As I've said before, I felt hurt that she didn't think that for this particular situation, it was important to make sure I knew how long she'd be gone, it wasn't something to be left ambiguous. Or even if it WAS ambiguous but beyond her control (she was going somewhere with no idea how long it would be for example) that I should know that, too.

So she has to come to her friends house where you are staying in order to sleep with you, but doesn't want to stay in a hotel with you?

To be honest, the more of your responses I read, the more unsuited this girl seems to be for any relationship. I rather feel you are a carer than a partner.
What do you see in this relationship?

Yes. I think her rationale is that the nearest hotels are all a bit of a walk/drive away. Her friends are within a couple of minutes walk of her house. So we can stay there and she can go and see to her dogs. The dogs are with us until night time when she'll walk them back home (they can't stay over at friend's although she's happy to have them there during the day/evening).
In a hotel, she'd have a longer walk/drive-have to be up earlier etc, in order to get back for them.

You're not selling it, @JustMeSammy !

But the heart wants what the heart wants I suppose

Everyone sucks here.

Girlfriend sucks for living with a dad who tried to rape an ex partner. WTF?! And otherwise imposing by staying with friends and inviting OP there but not actually having a place to make OP welcome and planning to bod off for 4 hours. Girlfriend seems oddly vague about time for an autistic person. Did she ever explain why it took double the usual time?

OP sorry but you also suck for poor communication, drip feeding the thread, arguing back and forth, insisting you’re not being unreasonable on AIBU which is for judgment.

This relationship sounds super doomed. Maybe it’s time to call it?

You don't like going to visit her, you refuse to stay where she lives, you feel lied to that she didn't give you an exact return time and kicked off about it. You only like the beach at hers. It's not really huge in the grand scheme of things considering she travels to see you more often.

If I was your dp, I'd be questioning your behaviour and whether I wanted to be tied down to your needs and wants when it doesn't seem that you take her needs and wants into consideration at all.

I think you are being a bit pedantic and melodramatic. For me a couple of hours would be between 2 and 4 hours. Less than two is an hour or so. Anything over 4 would be either a few hours or the morning/afternoon/ evening.

You were cutting off your nose to spite your face by leaving early. You could have made up and had a lovely evening together but you blew it.

I didn't realise I was arguing! I have put a few details straight and let posters know if they'd not understood properly, apologised when I hadn't explained clearly enough. I will put people right if they've genuinely got it wrong (e.g. suggesting a cook a meal or whatever, I can't do that and should have mentioned that she doesn't have her own place beforehand).

I did correct people who said I'd 'stormed off' (I don't think I have ever 'stormed off' in my entire life).

I appreciate now that I should have asked 'What time will you leave and what time will you be back' instead of 'how long will you be', and that 'a couple of hours' doesn't always mean two, to some people.

I do stand by though, that in this situation, letting me know how long she would be should have been important, as I had nowhere to be and would have needed to decide what to do and make plans on what to do for the four hours.

I agree about her Father, but is it really my business where she chooses to live? She says she genuinely doesn't mind and it saves money. Not for me, but I am not her.

Her friend's don't mind. I really do think that. They have the sort of setup where they're always in and out of other's houses. Not something I am used to, and whenever I visit I always ask if they mind. They seem to understand totally. Sometimes I have stayed and the friend has not stayed there themselves.

She did explain. It was in a further afield place, and some other thing (an awards meeting of some sort I gathered) was happening beforehand meaning they had to get there some time before the actual 'hobby' happened, and something was happening afterwards which would take up a bit of time too. I didn't know any of this prior, which is one thing that did annoy me-if that was me, I'd have said 'I am going to hobby but it is going to be a bit longer than normal, is that okay?' not just assumed that I'd know.

I can't think of any other instances where she's been vague with time before, at all. She's very punctual, if she's stuck in traffic on her way somewhere she lets me know for example. However her ASD does present as quite linear thinking at times-for this, I can see now that she's literally thought 'I will be at hobby for this amount of time'-not considering that for me, that time is longer because of the activities before and after and the extra travel.

I do understand that now, thank you. I feel she should have made sure I knew how long she'd be (as she knew exactly how long she'd be) but I appreciate that to some, a couple of hours is ambiguous.

Nope .. a couple of hours means im out for an indeterminate time.

So you can entertain yourself for 2 hours but nor 4?

You sound needy & somewhat controlling if you expect people to work within YOUR time frame.

If I had have decided to entertain myself for two hours not knowing it was actually four, I may have returned to the house not knowing where she was, or sitting in a pub somewhere waiting, or thought I wouldn't bother going out of the house (if i felt okay there) when I could have. I can entertain myself for four hours, I just wanted to know that it would be four hours.

I am not sure what to respond about the time frame. I just felt it was important to know the time frame, I was on hers, not the other way around.

Hi again OP. The people posting now are mostly new to the thread and haven't read all your posts. I think you'll have to go through the entire thing all over again. If you feel like ducking out now I think that would be understandable.

Are you mad. Truth of what? I’ve canvassed a bunch of people here at work. High end corporate place. Mostly English folk. Everyone gave a different answer. Couple of hours could mean 2 or more. 6 would be considered half the day. Give yourself talking to. Ridiculous.