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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 'I'll be out for a couple hours' means 'I'll be out for two hours' (or close, at least)?

321 replies

JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 19:09

It wouldn't mean around four hours? Or AIBU?

This will be quite long but I don#t want to leave information out.

I am an oldie on here but I've changed my name in case anybody recognises the situation who knows me or her-I don't know whether to call her DP as we don't live together and haven't been seeing one another very long.

We met at work when I was on secondment in her area but I live around 2 and a half/three hours from her and we decided to just see what happened and if it worked we could look at getting a place together.

There was an event in a town near her this Saturday just gone that we both fancied going to so she invited me over for the weekend. IIf I visit I normally just stay Friday and Saturdya night but this one, I told her that as I had the Monday off too this week, maybe I could stay over Sunday night and we could do something Sunday too?

She said yes that would be good, but that she was doing her hobby that day, but that she'd only be gone a couple of hours. She offered to not do it but I said no, that's fine, I don't mind being left for a couple of hours. She lives in a lovely place and I would just go to the shops or go grab a drink somewhere and read my book or whatever (or hang about at hers, weather/mood depending).

We go to event on Saturday, all good and on the way back we stop for a drink, and I ask something like 'Okay remind me about tomorrow, when are you leaving and coming back so we can plan what we can do' and she said she'd be leaving around 12:30pm and back around 16:30 pm.

I was a bit like 'WTF you said you'd be gone a couple of hours and that's 4?! She said 'yeh a couple of hours' I said no, a couple of hours is two hours! I can easily kill a couple of hours at yours but not 4! We argued Sadalthough not a 'heated' argument as I am a very 'cool' person and don't like to argue but in the end she said 'right I won't go then!!!' And I said no, you go. I think that if she DIDN'T go she'd tell her hobby friends that I had stopped her or told her not to and I don't want that Sad

I am really quite annoyed. Feel I am worth a bit more than that-if she's going to have me over she can't be gone out for the best part of the day (and a quarter of it) I'd also never do that to her.

She continued to argue that a couple of hours doesn't have to mean two.
She also kept explaining things like 'well the thing at hobby takes two hours but I've got to get there and back and that takes X amount of time and then I have to be there a bit of time before and then we have to do this afterwards....' etc etc and I said none of that is relevant! You said a couple of hours and you meant four!

I tried framing it to her that if her work asked her to stay behind for two hours, and she agreed but then they expected her to stay behind for four, would that be okay? She said 'Wouldn't bother me!' so I said well you'd just do four hours woudl you?

She said no!

I asked if we were a couple and she says yes, and I said 'well how many of us are there!!'

As it was, I came home today Sad I felt quite unwanted and unappreciated. It's quite a long drive, and I was looking forward to another day with her. I didn't mind two hours, but not four.

I have no idea how this thread is going to go!

AIBU to have left?
AIBU to feel unwanted/unappreciated?

AIBU to think that 'couple of hours' means two hours (obviously with a bit of give and take, I'd not mind if someone said a couple of hours and it turned out to be just under or over).

AIBU to think It's rude to have someone be with you for the day and then bog off to do something else for a lot of it, leaving them by themselves in a town they don't know? At least without telling them the truth about it?

I'd never do that and I told her this-to which she said that it wouldn't bother her if I did.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 20:05

Rycbar · 21/07/2024 20:02

But she invited herself. Her DP said she had a hobby and offered not to go. OP said it was fine.

Show quote history

I didn't invite myself. And I didn't want her to not be able to do her hobby. I just wanted to know the reality of how long I'd be left for.

OP posts:
Switcher · 21/07/2024 20:06

It is a bit long yes but also she said she was busy and you're now creating massive drama.

RubyShoesday · 21/07/2024 20:06

I think you’ve massively overreacted. She should have said “a few hours”, but 4 isn’t a massive amount of time. You still had the morning, evening, night and next morning to together.

Your reaction may have scuppered the relationship. You should be able to entertain yourself for 4 hours.

KreedKafer · 21/07/2024 20:06

Yes, ‘a couple of hours’ would mean approximately two to me, and to most people I think. Not four.

However, I think you’re being a massive baby about a) something that was clearly just a misunderstanding over semantics and not an attempt to deceive you and b) having four hours to yourself. You’ve got her house at your disposal, and a nice town to have a look round etc.

Snowdrop80 · 21/07/2024 20:07

I do understand your side of things, but it does sound like you’ve overreacted. It was you that suggested staying the extra day and she also let you know she was doing her hobby. She should have let you know exactly how long she was going to be but she probably wasn’t expecting your slightly extreme reaction.

Vettrianofan · 21/07/2024 20:08

If you factor in travel time to and from the hobby then I see your DP point of view. Four hours would be fairly reasonable as a couple of hours.

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 20:09

MaterCogitaVera · 21/07/2024 20:03

You’re being extremely literal, OP. “Couple” was originally a verb, meaning “tie or join together (usually in a pair)” - and the earliest use of the noun refers to a leash used to join hunting dogs together. But we don’t insist that a couple must literally be tied to each other in order to be properly called “a couple”.

Language changes. There are language pedants who insist that “couple” always means “exactly two”, but common usage for hundreds of years has used the word much more loosely. These are the same pedants who say that “I could care less” is incomprehensible, or that a double negative means a positive, as though language were maths. Language isn’t maths; it’s a totally arbitrary system of sounds that have the meaning we agree on together as a society.

I do sympathise, if you were exposed to language pedants who made you believe that “couple” can only mean “two” because of its etymology, although I’m surprised that you've never once noticed that very few people use it as precisely as this.

Think about this: if someone said to you “I’m going to the bathroom; I’ll just be two seconds”, would you get out your stopwatch and be furious that they actually took 97 seconds? If so, you would massively benefit from paying more attention to how metaphorical and non-literal so much language is. But if, as I suspect, you would absolutely understand that “two seconds” is a kind of metaphor, meaning “as short a period as possible”, then you already have the necessary knowledge to see that your DP was not “lying”, or even “misleading” you; she was just using “a couple” very loosely, as many other people would do. We might argue over exactly how long a time is no longer “a couple of hours”, but you are unreasonable to insist that a couple can only mean two hours.

You're right (and I am fascinated with etymology, I know language evolves. I think that in this case, me knowing how long she'd be gone for, is important?

I'd be in a strange house, strange town, I am there to see her. I travel a long way to see her. It was double the time I expected and more than double the time she is usually gone-I couldn't have known that. She knows I am not keen on visiting her and has misled me about other things before. She knew I wasn't sure about the Sunday when she originally asked if I'd stay for that day. So in this context, I think it would have been the right thing to do to make sure I knew how long she'd be gone for, before the weekend was planned.

OP posts:
HamBagelNoCheese · 21/07/2024 20:10

You see each other infrequently
You live a significant distance apart
Your communication is poor
You're not allowed to stay at her parents
Shes made you stop a hobby due to what you wear
You say shes done "malicious" things in the past

Is it really worth it?

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 20:10

RubyShoesday · 21/07/2024 20:06

I think you’ve massively overreacted. She should have said “a few hours”, but 4 isn’t a massive amount of time. You still had the morning, evening, night and next morning to together.

Your reaction may have scuppered the relationship. You should be able to entertain yourself for 4 hours.

It definitely won't have scuppered it. She's done many things I've had to work through and forgive her for, and I make a lot of compromises for her already. She's not very emotional and it wouldn't have upset her.

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 21/07/2024 20:10

How old is she if she’s still living with parents and you’re using a friend’s house for weekend meet-ups? That all sound like a non-starter. The 2 hour thing- yes most people’s ’couple’ is probably 2-3 but you also sound very needy and part of developing a more serious relationship is also managing time apart to deal with basic life like chores, hobbies, different friendship groups. I think it’s setting good boundaries that she wants to see you but also wants to continue her hobby.

Hello98765 · 21/07/2024 20:11

If you’re going to be in a relationship you need to be patient about MUCH more irritating things than this!

everyone knows that in a happy relationship you have to be kind to each other, cut each other a bit of slack now and then, not get defensive, not insist on proving yourself right all the time.

obviously there are big things you dont want to be a pushover on - like if she cheated on you. But honestly, this is small fry. Let it go.

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 20:12

HoppityBun · 21/07/2024 20:04

If you didn’t strop, you left on good terms and you’re not in a huff and you went home “fine”, why are you coming on here to persuade everyone, possibly including yourself, that you’re right? It was a misunderstanding that you’re turning into pedantry and won’t let go.

Show quote history

I'm not trying to do that at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 20:13

Switcher · 21/07/2024 20:06

It is a bit long yes but also she said she was busy and you're now creating massive drama.

I haven't created any drama. I just said I didn't want to be left for four hours when I'd thought it was to be two, and I left after walking her dogs with her, just before she was due to leave to go to her hobby.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 21/07/2024 20:14

She's asked you to give up your hobby because she doesn't want other people looking at you in little clothing.

Don't like that.

Then this. It's a no from me.

RamonaRamirez · 21/07/2024 20:14

Yabu and very intense about questioning her and arguing with your false logic

couple is technically 2 but in everyday speak it can easily be 3 or 4

you getting arsey about it was not on IMO

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 20:14

KreedKafer · 21/07/2024 20:06

Yes, ‘a couple of hours’ would mean approximately two to me, and to most people I think. Not four.

However, I think you’re being a massive baby about a) something that was clearly just a misunderstanding over semantics and not an attempt to deceive you and b) having four hours to yourself. You’ve got her house at your disposal, and a nice town to have a look round etc.

It isn't her house, It's her friend's so I am a bit awkward there in the first place. It's one reason I am not keen on visiting (among several). The town is actually pretty awful, I just like the beach (and was trying to not out myself).

OP posts:
mymymyDelilahh · 21/07/2024 20:14

ToofHurty · 21/07/2024 19:17

”A couple” of hours is 2 hours.

“A few” hours is 3+

this of course. 4 hours on a work day would be viewed as 'half a day' not a couple of hours

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 20:15

Snowdrop80 · 21/07/2024 20:07

I do understand your side of things, but it does sound like you’ve overreacted. It was you that suggested staying the extra day and she also let you know she was doing her hobby. She should have let you know exactly how long she was going to be but she probably wasn’t expecting your slightly extreme reaction.

it wasn't me originally. She really did want me to as she seldom has me there, usually she comes here.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 21/07/2024 20:16

Sounds like you're just not very well suited. She has a casual approach whereas you like things cut and dried.

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 20:16

Hello98765 · 21/07/2024 20:11

If you’re going to be in a relationship you need to be patient about MUCH more irritating things than this!

everyone knows that in a happy relationship you have to be kind to each other, cut each other a bit of slack now and then, not get defensive, not insist on proving yourself right all the time.

obviously there are big things you dont want to be a pushover on - like if she cheated on you. But honestly, this is small fry. Let it go.

I thought I had done that by not stopping her from going to the hobby. I will/have let it go. I just wanted unbiased opinions (hence posting here and the name change).

OP posts:
BrigadierEtienneGerard · 21/07/2024 20:16

A "couple of hours" is two hours at the very least. I use the expression and DW assumes it covers anything up to 4 hours.

Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 20:17

HamBagelNoCheese · 21/07/2024 20:10

You see each other infrequently
You live a significant distance apart
Your communication is poor
You're not allowed to stay at her parents
Shes made you stop a hobby due to what you wear
You say shes done "malicious" things in the past

Is it really worth it?

It isn't that I am not allowed to stay at her parents, I refuse to.

I am not sure it is worth it if I am honest. This may be a relatively small issue-but it may be 'the icing on the cake'.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMeSammy · 21/07/2024 20:17

Viviennemary · 21/07/2024 20:16

Sounds like you're just not very well suited. She has a casual approach whereas you like things cut and dried.

It would be fine, if we saw one another more often and if she hadn't have done the things she'd done before.

OP posts:
Choochoo21 · 21/07/2024 20:19

I’ve not voted as I think both of you are being a bit BU.

A couple hours to me is 2/3 and so 4 including travel time wouldn’t be that big of a deal.

You’re also more than capable of entertaining yourself.

But I can’t help thinking that this is a bit of a red flag on her part.

If it was me and I was going out for 4 hours, I would be really specific about how long I was going to be so my DP knew how long to entertain himself for etc.
Especially if I was usually only 2 hours but this time it was twice as long.

I would be asking if my DP definitely wanted to still come, even though I’d be gone for a chunk of the day or leave it until a different day.

If it’s usually 2 hours but it was going to be twice as long this time, then surely you would tell your partner that.

This aside, it seems there are some issues and perhaps you’re just not compatible.

T1Dmama · 21/07/2024 20:20

Well let’s just say if my young daughter told me she was popping to her friends for a couple of hours, I’d be pretty worried after 3 hours and would be calling to see where she was….. I certainly wouldn’t say ‘oh a couple could mean 4, or even 8’ like others have suggested! … I know this is an adult and a different scenario but if you said you were away for a couple of weeks to someone, they wouldn’t expect that to mean a month!
Or if you said to colleague or your boss can I finish a couple of hours early… they wouldn’t expect you to leave 4-6 hours early!