ANGRY! ( and I've fucked up)

[marmoet]

My very elderly parents have recently gone into a nursing home after both having stints in hospital. Prior to that they were very dodgily living at home alone but stubborn and happy .
As my sister and I are both POA and do not get on this has caused a lot of friction but I thought we were sorted.
They have been in the nursing home for about a month ( after 2 months in hospital) and today I went by their house to check the place as it is empty and their car was gone.
I rang my sister worried it was stolen and she said that mum and dad had "lent" it to her partner. He has driven it interstate ( Australia , so hundrends of kms). WHen I spoke to my parents they thought he was "borrowing it to go to somewhere for work ( a completely different city), and basically had no idea . They are very old. My sister has a car and her partner has a car, both expensive ones btw.
I got cranky and pointed out that they have a grandson who has no car , then they started crying and then I felt bad , as I behaved badly but I'm fecked either way.
They are saying things like we always had dogs ( when I was never allowed one). They are denying the fact that we spent our life tip-toeing around my sister "be quiet , she's asleep, come and help with the grdening". It's like my life didn't exist as there is nobody left to verify it.
Sorry for such a pathetic unloading.
If the car had been at my sisters I would seriously gone over and driven it here, but he has taken it interstate and I don't know the plate number. Neither do my parents. My sister gets all of their mail delivered to her.

Why does it matter to you where car is? Its theirs to do with as they please

I don’t understand why you have your parents a hard time, they lent it to someone - so what, it’s theirs! And it’s frustrating that they remember your childhood differently but they are very old and frail and have just been through a hard change, it’s probably just not the time to be throwing stones around. Sounds like it’s been a stressful time for you and for them.

OK. So if a partner of one of your siblings convinced your elderly mum and dad that they "needed" a car when they had their own and you never saw it again that would be fine with you. I guess we are all different but I don't believe you.

They can’t use the car anyway can they?

Ye s it has. Having someone who will not sit in the same room as me take my parents car , it's basically theft, there is a reason they are in a nursing home, they have no idea what is going on, has not made it better.

Better than it sitting in driveway not being used presumably.

It’s not theft, your relationship to your sister doesn’t make it theft. She’s POA and they clearly gave permission.

No. It was "minding the house". A house that is empty for months attracts squatters in the area they live. If there's a car in the drive , not so much. Also , how come everyone is all good with him taking my parents car?
I don't believe for one second that everyone would be ok with that IRL

Make sure you’ve taken everything that is yours from the house, as this won’t get any better.

Actually we are joint POA and I was not informed. Why are people so keen to say it's ok for a man to steal an elderly couple's car? Bizarre

You moaned you couldn’t take it for your son so that seems quite disingenuous. There’s no point posting here if you just accuse everyone of lying. Surely if you don’t want opinions this will just make you more angry?

I don’t understand op. Your parents weren’t using the car, why do you object to them using it so much?

My parents would give you permission btw. They've never met you, but they are very sweet and if you asked nicely they'd let you have whatever you want.

Stealing is taking without permission. He had permission.

How do you know you won’t see the car ever again?

look I appreciate there’s issues between you and your sister and you feel your life has been negatively impacted by her existence. But not everyone will agree with your view of the situation and not everyone will have the same. You feel a certain and that’s enough.

We had similar when my grandad went into a home, except he hadn’t agreed that anything could be ‘borrowed’. I get the frustration but you seem to be upset that they chose to lend their car to someone as your son could have had it. Which isn’t your choice.

now you are using this lending of the car as a symbol of all that you feel in wrong in your family and getting very upset over it. In reality, they agreed to lend their car to their son in law. That’s all that happened

You could too
Just ask

Because he didn't steal it they knew he had it and gave permission.

SOmeone could walk down the street and ask permission. They'd say yes

But you wanted them to give the car to your son and made them cry because they hadn't?

Wow.

I think it's ok about the car although courtesy would dictate she let you know.
However more importantly why is the house not rented out if you say it's such a bad area? I'm assuming the money would go towards care home fees and keep the property safe from squatters.

I wouldn't be taking your anger at things out on your parents - I understand you're upset but your frustration needs to find a better outlet than upsetting them. Ignore the dog thing, ignore the denials about tip toeing round your sister or whatever else you think is being denied.

They're clearly not in a place to be verifying your life story as you remember it - I think you need to take a step back and realise that the issues you seem to have with your sister are clouding how you're dealing with your parents, they don't need you getting angry with them and upsetting them.

Deal with your sister who has joint POA and don't involve your parents in squabbles.

It wasn’t really permission though was it? It’s more like saying ‘Granny can I have your bank card to go shopping with?’ And then getting milk, tea, a ready meal and a couple of hundred pounds out. That’s theft and elder abuse and so is this- do you imagine for a minute he’s planning on returning the car??

They haven’t “stolen” the car 🙄by your own admission you’re parents knew he had borrowed the car and was using it for work, which he may well be doing, they only didn’t realise he had taken it out of state.

No one has “stolen” anything!

You’re being passive aggressive and need to address your emotional outbursts.

He didn’t steal the car. Whether your sister stole the car is another matter. If you want it returned, you need to find out if you as POA need to both agree to him using the car, or if just one of you can make a decision. Then take it from there.

If they aren’t in a position to agree your sister’s partner using the car, they also aren’t in a position to agree to your son using it. And your sister definitely won’t agree to that now. So the best you can hope for is the car goes back to minding the house.

The issue is that your sister isn't communicating with you on things. If you're both Poa but don't get on and don't communicate it's going to get worse before it gets better. But I agree with you op they took the car under false pretences and don't plan to give it back anytime soon.