ANGRY! ( and I've fucked up)

[marmoet]

My very elderly parents have recently gone into a nursing home after both having stints in hospital. Prior to that they were very dodgily living at home alone but stubborn and happy .
As my sister and I are both POA and do not get on this has caused a lot of friction but I thought we were sorted.
They have been in the nursing home for about a month ( after 2 months in hospital) and today I went by their house to check the place as it is empty and their car was gone.
I rang my sister worried it was stolen and she said that mum and dad had "lent" it to her partner. He has driven it interstate ( Australia , so hundrends of kms). WHen I spoke to my parents they thought he was "borrowing it to go to somewhere for work ( a completely different city), and basically had no idea . They are very old. My sister has a car and her partner has a car, both expensive ones btw.
I got cranky and pointed out that they have a grandson who has no car , then they started crying and then I felt bad , as I behaved badly but I'm fecked either way.
They are saying things like we always had dogs ( when I was never allowed one). They are denying the fact that we spent our life tip-toeing around my sister "be quiet , she's asleep, come and help with the grdening". It's like my life didn't exist as there is nobody left to verify it.
Sorry for such a pathetic unloading.
If the car had been at my sisters I would seriously gone over and driven it here, but he has taken it interstate and I don't know the plate number. Neither do my parents. My sister gets all of their mail delivered to her.

You asked if you were being unreasonable. The majority of responders have said yes, you are.

You disagree and are becoming agitated and aggressive in your subsequent posts.

You are basically pissed off because you didn't get in first regarding the car.

If your son has money to make a 'fair offer's on one of your parents assets, sure he has the money to buy a second hand car anyway.

I would seek out counselling as your jealousy and resentment of your sister is eating you up. For your own sanity, you need to learn how to let it go.

Can you ask for the car to be returned so it can be sold to help with costs . Not sure how it works in Australia but it might be seen as deprivation of assets .

I get it OP. I have experienced similar with my sister too.
I don't have anything helpful I can suggest as I'm currently just trying to ride out my own situation until I'm in a position to cut contact completely.
It's the lack of communication and consideration and taking advantage of the situation to suit themselves that hurts.

This
Pp are being disingenuous
Op is concerned that this is elder abuse and manipulation.
Why would they need the car if they have two already?
Op if you have financial POA check their accounts.
It's a tale as old as time , my DB rinsed my parents
" they said yes, they didn't mind" 😡

Are you more pissed that you weren't able to give it your son, than the fact they are using it? Because it sounds like it. I'd suggest that you sell the car as soon as possible, and ditto sorting the house out a bit, because you clearly have a lot of resentment towards your sister and your parents to some extent, and for your own sake, it sounds best to get things sorted so you don't feel like this as much going forward.

I don’t agree that they’ve been taken advantage of. The car was sitting there, never going to be used again by them. It was only going to be sold as an asset after death.

They have every right to lend it or give it away while they’re still alive. That’s their decision. Not everything has to be split evenly between siblings at your big ages.

If they’d had decided to lend or gift it to your son, guaranteed you wouldn’t think it was unfair.

It was wrong of them to ask very vulnerable people to take the car. They have their own cars.

She's special. I'm not. I guess that's the back story. I just thought everyone grew up with an older sibling who had to be treated specially. "Watch out, she's in a mood". "Keep it down she got home late""Stay away from her today, it''s not worth it". And yes, as she denies all of this and my parents don't know whether they are coming or going it is fucking irritating. The car, when I was working myself up to ask if my son could buy it when and if the house was sold, and her just giving it to her partner was probably the last straw.
I fucked up by getting cranky on the phone to my parents but it became very obvious that they had no idea as they kept mentioning the wrong city so I said to forget it.Don't worry. It's fine.
The sold their other house 5 years ago and asked if I could come and help clean. I said "of course". I was there scrubbing by 7am. Then I got to the lounge and saw post-its all over everything.
Half were to my parents new address and the other half were to my sister. They were notes for the removalists. She had come in and stuck them on. I was still there cleaning like a moron.
Story of my fecking life.

I don't have the car to sell!!

@marmoet I think many posters are being very harsh.
I understand where you're coming from.

No . It was going to be sold as was the house for care home fees!! Not after death. And my son was going to pay for it not steal it. Geez people on her say one thing but if put in the same position would change their minds.
So you are all good with a partner of your sibling taking your parents car because they said it was "ok" even though they don't know what day it is or even his name half the time.

You are annoyed because you didn't get the car?

Get out of jointed poa. Leave it to your sister to deal with if you aren't happy to do it.

I think the house and car should be sold (possibly to son) ASAP and put into their accounts. And I would be wanting vision of those accounts to ensure that no one is taking money out that shouldn’t be. Then it’s clear and no one can argue

I understand OP, you both have POA, none of your parents need the car. That car would, eventually, be part of the inheritance but she has taken it without consulting you. It is not exactly theft but, it is grabby. This is something she should have at least discussed with you before taking the car away (and depreciating its value with such a long drive).

Forget about tiptoeing at home, doing the garden, etc. That is part and parcel of not being the golden child and there is nothing you can do to change that. I would try to put this behind me but keep a watchful eye in case she decides to use her POA to her own benefit again (as she has already).

But they didn't need the car they have their own? Guaranteed you won't see it again they will say ohhh it's broken down sign here give us permission to selling etc etc 🙄

I've had a similar upbringing with my sister unfortunately she can do no wrong and if she does it's because she didn't get the chance to have children (makes zero sense) or "you know what she is like" (fucking hate that sentence) now our parents are elderly and getting distressed because she isn't around because she "has a life" (I apparently don't have that luxury) I made a point to back right off from my mother my father is not so bad now because it affected him when he was ill recently he was able to see the difference between us both

Have you read a single one of my posts?
Gahhhhh!
My son was going to pay for it.
We hadn't even got that far as I am terrified of my elder sister, so was making sure we paid the absolute proper amount and not a cent less.
Unbeknownst to me she has got my parents to GIVE the car to her partner. Said car is now 2000 km away.
I won't be holding my breath for it's return.
I don't know the licence , neither do my parents. All mail is directed to my sister.

I think you are massively overthinking this. Very odd post.

If you've not experienced something similar to @marmoet you might well say that.

It is not about who needs the car, it is about her using assets she has control of through the POA for her own benefit not her parents’ benefit.

She has blatantly misused the POA not to protect her parents’ interests but to benefit herself. Simple.

I think you need to separate the issues here. Try to remove the emotional aspect and purely think practical.
Maybe get tenets in to stop squatters.
I totally get the sister thing (I’m in the same position) but the time to have that out with your parents has passed. Your job now as POA is to think only of making the best decisions for them. They wanted to lend the car, you maybe irritated by who borrowed it but it’s ok.
Maybe look at some therapy. It’s really helped me look at things differently.

"you know what she is like". You are my person. I thought I was the only one. It just never bloody stops. "Well, you know what she is like", after she has been horrific yet again. And I know what she would have done "mum, dad, DP needs to borrow the car for a little while". ""Oh of course". No mention that he's driving it interstate and never returning it. EVen if she did it would be "You know what she is like". AAAARRRRRGGH. Sorry I am angry. But I am allowed to be.

Cheers. Get back to me in a few decades.

That sounds sneaky and unfair. Your sister should have spoken to you.
As others have said you need to go there and check on anything that is yours.
If your sister takes anything valuable remind her (like the car) it needs to be accounted for properly.
I don't know how it works in Australia but in the UK we had to sell all my parents assists to pay for nursing home fees. A car is an asset. POA have to act in the persons best u retests as well or you can lodge a concern with the court of protection (in the uk).

I think how you feel about your sister is clouding your judgement. It is annoying but it doesn't sound like anyone knew you were going to offer to buy it.

If your sister was going to make your son pay it's value in full, then he's not really lost out.

Similarly, message your sister and ask how much she's paying for it.

From reading more of the updates my opinion as someone who works with older people who have lost/are losing capacity to make decisions would be that what your sister has done could be viewed as form of financial abuse. Your parents understanding of the term
of the borrowing would need to be understood though. Do they expect the car back ever? Are the car ownership papers now assigned to your sister?

I think I would start off contacting your sister to say that the car is part of their assets, you understand a short term loan was agreed for a trip. Given the car has not returned, you presume they are planning to buy the car permanently so the money can be put towards your parent’s care home costs. See how this lands.
Here, we would be contacting adult social care to look into this as possible financial abuse.
Yes you wanted the car for your son but you have since said you were planning to buy if from them so I think that’s fine.