ANGRY! ( and I've fucked up)

[marmoet]

My very elderly parents have recently gone into a nursing home after both having stints in hospital. Prior to that they were very dodgily living at home alone but stubborn and happy .
As my sister and I are both POA and do not get on this has caused a lot of friction but I thought we were sorted.
They have been in the nursing home for about a month ( after 2 months in hospital) and today I went by their house to check the place as it is empty and their car was gone.
I rang my sister worried it was stolen and she said that mum and dad had "lent" it to her partner. He has driven it interstate ( Australia , so hundrends of kms). WHen I spoke to my parents they thought he was "borrowing it to go to somewhere for work ( a completely different city), and basically had no idea . They are very old. My sister has a car and her partner has a car, both expensive ones btw.
I got cranky and pointed out that they have a grandson who has no car , then they started crying and then I felt bad , as I behaved badly but I'm fecked either way.
They are saying things like we always had dogs ( when I was never allowed one). They are denying the fact that we spent our life tip-toeing around my sister "be quiet , she's asleep, come and help with the grdening". It's like my life didn't exist as there is nobody left to verify it.
Sorry for such a pathetic unloading.
If the car had been at my sisters I would seriously gone over and driven it here, but he has taken it interstate and I don't know the plate number. Neither do my parents. My sister gets all of their mail delivered to her.

Why don't you ask whether your son can use the car when your bil is back from his trip?

But this is your sisters partner. Not someone walking down the street. Your sister who also has POA was also ok with it.

As I said above, we had similar problems in my family when my grandad went in a home.

But if this was my Dad and my do borrowed dads car and my brother was kicking off about it and saying Dad shouldn’t have given permission or it wasn’t ok or the car should be his sons, I would tell him to get grip.

and I wouldn’t be kicking off if my brothers wife borrowed Dads car either.

That's where I fucked up. And I didn't mention my son to them.
I was doing my usual, wait and ask nicely, check with elder sister , story of my life and whilst I'm doing that they just took the car!
I think the people who have responded so far have not experienced have elderly parents who are easily coerced.
I was researching the actual value of the car so that rather than rotting away my son could make them a totally fair offer. I'm doing that and my sister gives it to her partner .

I feel like it's not so much the car itself @marmoet, though that does sound a bit odd, and more feeling like your life and your experiences of your parents/family life are being discounted/wiped out/seen as less valuable? Maybe you feel like your sibling was always favoured and/or had more say? Maybe you feel like sibling is now taking advantage?
It's not a nice feeling.
If I'm off track ignore this, and please don't take offence.💐
PS I do think some posters are being a tad harsh.

I get this. I loathe my sister with every fibre of my being, and when my mum was dying, she started being the dutiful daughter - after not speaking to either of us for 7 years.

I was so angry I tried to get her banned from the hospital (may sound irrational, but the back story is awful). She still did fuck all to help me with the whole process, clearing mums house, organising funeral, grieving ) but her audacity in pretending she gave a shit in front of people made me actually want to hurt her
I get it's not the same, but I totally understand your fury

So you dont need the car to 'mind the house' then?

It's not a trip. He's taken it. Gone . It's 100's of km's away and I don't even know the licence plate. He is using it as a "runaround " as it's cheaper on petrol than his big 4wd. He will never bring it back. That I do know.

Sorry to read this - it's so hard and frustrating when people behave like this and get away with it.

I got cranky and pointed out that they have a grandson who has no car

You've copped a strop because your kid wasn't given it?

Ok fair, but we are having to sell the house due to care home fees. It was just another asset. It's long gone now though. so I hope this doesn't happen to any of you who are so quick to query my motives. I didn't take the car!

I got cranky and pointed out that they have a grandson who has no car , then they started crying and then I felt bad

But you said mentioning your son to them is how you made them cry? It’s probably easier to accept the care is gone now. Take anything of value that’s very important to you from the house now before your sister does as this is clearly going to be a messy process.

Don't understand they said he could borrow the car. It's just sitting on the driveway and your parents said he can borrow it. Yabu. You obviously can't stand your sister and your posts are very angry. Hope you can repair that relationship.

What is it you actually want / what is your problem????

Do you think that your sister is taking advantage or financially abusing them and want to nip it in the bud? If so why all the chat about carless Grandsons and non existent childhood pets???

Or Is it about fairness and power within the family? that you feel you are loved less than your sister?

I dont think the car matters i think this is about something much bigger and thatreclaiming a car to give it to your son wont fix what you've got

I completely understand this. Your sister and her partner have taken advantage of your parents. I'm guessing the partner didn't want to rack up the mileage and wear n tear on his car so they decided to use your parents car instead.

Yep, this.

For the second time, I've admitted I didn't behave perfectly but the fact remains, my son was going to buy it off them and my sisters partner has just taken it. And no. IT won't be back because my parents have no idea what is going on and will not contact the police .

Can I suggest you come over to the elderly parents board? There are people there with more experience of dealing with these types of challenges and more understanding of the impact of parents with fluctuating capacity. I think you will get more understanding there.

I'm guessing that this has nothing to do with the car but your sister being seen as the more important child through your life.

Nope. Spent my life trying to appease her. Done with it.

You're fixating on the car and have taken out your anger on your parents who don't have capacity. The problem is the relationship with your sister. It's this you need to work on.

Why don't you get on with her, what's the back story?

It's not a trip. He's taken it. Gone . It's 100's of km's away and I don't even know the licence plate. He is using it as a "runaround " as it's cheaper on petrol than his big 4wd. He will never bring it back. That I do know.

So yeah basically stolen it from right under your parents nose under the pretence of just needing it for a trip. It's a shitty sneaky thing to do and I get why you're pissed off op.

But that doesn’t give you a right to have a go at your parents

OP it's illegal for POA to take advantage of their position which your sister has done here by taking the car. I don't know what you want to do about that, I suggest you note the value of the car and deduct it from whatever you both inherit as you're unlikely to see it again.

It sounds as though the house needs to be sold or rented as leaving it empty can devalue it (unless you're keeping up with maintenance) and open you up to trouble such as squatters and burglary. I would discuss that with your parents while they are still able.

If your sister continues to take advantage of her position then you can approach the office of the public guardian for advice.

But like why couldnt you say
"Oh cool that martin borrowed it. I was worried someone had taken it.
I was taking to jack and he'd like to buy it off you for market rate rather than leave it to go to ruin on the drive. Is that something you are interested in? If so, lets sort it out when martin gets back from his trip'

I say this because i dont understand WHY you think the car has been vanished away. You said hes gone on a long trip presumably he will come back with the car at some point????

Why would they contact police.

They have lent their daughter’s partner their car. You are the one assuming it’s not coming back. If your son was going to buy it for a fair price, he can buy another car at a fair price.

You might be correct and it never comes back: but at this point that’s just your assumption.

If he doesn’t bring it back and the police need to be involved you know who he is. There must be paperwork with details of the car. The police could still trace it if needed.

Have you told your parents your son wanted to buy it? Because from your op it just sounds like you wanted it for him for free.

I'm with you OP. Have similar situation with siblings and frail father with dementia. Though you feel and are a bit powerless , it's rage inducing to see a parent being taken advantage of.