ANGRY! ( and I've fucked up)

[marmoet]

My very elderly parents have recently gone into a nursing home after both having stints in hospital. Prior to that they were very dodgily living at home alone but stubborn and happy .
As my sister and I are both POA and do not get on this has caused a lot of friction but I thought we were sorted.
They have been in the nursing home for about a month ( after 2 months in hospital) and today I went by their house to check the place as it is empty and their car was gone.
I rang my sister worried it was stolen and she said that mum and dad had "lent" it to her partner. He has driven it interstate ( Australia , so hundrends of kms). WHen I spoke to my parents they thought he was "borrowing it to go to somewhere for work ( a completely different city), and basically had no idea . They are very old. My sister has a car and her partner has a car, both expensive ones btw.
I got cranky and pointed out that they have a grandson who has no car , then they started crying and then I felt bad , as I behaved badly but I'm fecked either way.
They are saying things like we always had dogs ( when I was never allowed one). They are denying the fact that we spent our life tip-toeing around my sister "be quiet , she's asleep, come and help with the grdening". It's like my life didn't exist as there is nobody left to verify it.
Sorry for such a pathetic unloading.
If the car had been at my sisters I would seriously gone over and driven it here, but he has taken it interstate and I don't know the plate number. Neither do my parents. My sister gets all of their mail delivered to her.

Go get some therapy.

get out of the POA it will only cause you more aggravation and resentment.

if the house is to be sold for care home fees, there won’t be anything left for inheritance.

continue to support your parents, don’t be taken for a MUG, but expect nothing from them.

and fwiw they haven’t done anything wrong and neither has your sister / partner. Whilst you don’t have a license plate I am sure with PoA you could approach the police if you truly believe it is but I think deep down you k ow you will be wasting their time.

Gently, i dont think this is about the car. It sounds like you have a lot of pent up anger stemming from your childhood and your perception that your sister received preferential treatment. Holding onto the anger about the car and your other resentments will be both painful and damaging for you. It's also no doubt a highly emotionally charged time - I really feel for you OP. I would suggest that therapy to work this through now would be incredibly helpful for you so that you can let go of it before your parents are no longer here.

This is the most important perspective on the thread.

OP, I certainly understand the 'difficult' sister rewriting family history part of your story. I've got a sister like that too and have spent my life tiptoeing around her. She puts me right every time I 'remember' anything about our childhood and. relentlessly hammers home her own version of events.

On the POA front, I don't know if the POA in Australia is anything like the POA here in the UK but it's a legal situation designed to protect elderly people and the state from being systematically ripped off by greedy relatives. So if you're squeaky clean and haven't helped yourself to any of your parents' stuff or money, you could report this to the authority that monitors POAs. It's the Court of Protection here in the UK.

I might check out the house too and make sure your sister and her husband haven't been through the property taking anything of value. I have known people do that here in the UK. I might, in order to get evidence of what they've done in writing, email or message them to ask about whether they've transferred ownership and who is insuring and taxing the car. If they're planning to have your parents pay for the insurance and tax then that would be a real breach, I'd have thought. You might also check out your parents accounts to make sure no money has been taken.

Those with POAs for elderly parents here are expected to conserve the parents' resources to ensure the best possible care for them. If it's the same in Australia, you may have a good case for having your sister removed.

With your backstory I don't think I would judge you if you took any mementoes you wanted from the house, rescinded your POA and left them all to it and just go nc.

I get it. I have the same model younger sister. We are currently dealing with our deceased parents estate. She’s entitled and aggressive and I’ve spent my life, along with mum, tip toeing around her and trying not to make her angry. Every decision we are having to make as co-executors, has the possibility to make her aggressive. like you after 40 odd years of appeasing, I’m done. I stand up to her now and she does not like it.

I don’t have any advice, I’m sorry, but I wanted you to know I get it. You were playing fair and she’s just done what the fuck she likes. Which is what she’s been raised to do. You have been raised to be mindful and careful. No more my friend! Don’t take this lying down. If you are both POA then there will be guidance on how to do that. Check it out. That car is an asset and if they require a POA then that means they are too vulnerable to make their own decisions and at risk being coerced and manipulated, so you are right to judge what your sister did as ethically dubious. whether you can do anything about I’m not sure but it might be helpful to lay some ground rules down now with your sister;

We don’t do anything with their possessions or assets without an agreement.
We liaise about every decision.
If their are jobs to do we either divvy them up equally or pay for them to be done.

Hers a cuppa and a cake from me. Good luck. ☕️🍰

I think your parents have been taken advantage of. He’s taken the car. Not borrowed it. They were under the impression it was to borrow the car to run around locally, he’s taken it Interstate with no intention of bringing it back, according to you. I’d get in touch with your sister and say you want the car bringing back so it can be sold to find your parents care fees. It’s only fair.

also, I grew up with an older brother we all (and still do) tip toe around, it’s bloody awful. You have my sympathies.

Ditto.

Surely the people you should be mad at is your sister and your sister’s partner? Wholly unreasonable to take it out on your elderly parents. You say you’ve fucked up in the title but you’re defending yourself so not sure where you think your fucked up considering you think you’re in the right…

And quite selfish to guilt trip them about your son. Buy him a car yourself.

I'm in the UK. It is against the law to 'borrow' from the estate of your parents if you have PoA. So can I suggest you ask for duplicate bank statements/finance documents and get the valuers in to look at anything possibly valuable your parents might own. Keep records. Put everything in writing. Take photographs and time stamp them. If your parents still have capacity, I'm not sure how that works though. I have joint PoA for my mum, with my sister. My sister lives further away than I do so I do all the banking. I have every statement going back about 7 years. I keep every receipt, even the ones for toiletries and cake.
I have known perfectly sensible people fall out big time over an old sofa, in this situation. Why not go to your parents house, with just your sister, no BIL. Have a look around and make a plan for the contents. But seriously, get a handle on the money.

It’s that she didn’t tell you, just let her partner take it (when there wasn’t any real need.)
I get it

What happened with the dog????

Yes, but I don’t get why she took it out on her elderly parents?

It’s that feelin of hey hold on, if the cars up for grabs I would have liked to throw my hat in for my sons benefit…and that no one proactively thought to ask you

inwould tackle this on two levels: you need to discuss POA process with your sister, this won’t be the only asset or decision to be made

and two, you need some therapy to help you process all this bile that has come to a hesd

yoi can also decline to be POa, step away and find peace

Are there any car documents in your parent's house? If you need to check insurance, reg number etc it might be useful. You need to get over to your parent's place and secure things or at least be aware of what's what as your sister is outwitting you! The car may not be returned but if it's part of assets needed to fund your parent's care then it should be paid for by your sister or her partner. You have to speak to her.

I get this . Your sister has manipulated elderly and vulnerable parents . She asked to borrow something for a trip but has in fact stolen it as it will have thousands of miles on the clock be driven into the ground and never be seen again .

The replies on this thread are exactly why I'm beginning to despise mumsnet. It seems like it's just a playground for lonely sad old women to spread their self hatred on to others.

Calm down and speak as adults.

Your parents can lend their car to whom ever.
It is good for a car that gets little use to be driven from time to time. They might notice that it needs a service and arrange that too. The person borrowing the car will, no doubt, pay for new tyres when they need replacing and pay for rego etc.

Respectful discussion needs having over the long term use of the car. The driver perhaps needs to update the insurance to be included as a driver? The driver needs to understand how to behave so that the insurance is valid. ie. the driver can't be consuming alcohol and before having an accident as it usually voids the insurance.

If you suspect that your sister is swindling your parents act with discretion, collect evidence and present it to her in a way that allows respectful conversation and problem solving of the issue.
You are acting like a bull in a china shop. Your tone is resentful, angry and vindictive and, all the while, possibly misinformed.

Misogyny, ageism, disablism.
That's nice dear.

Me too. Your nephew misled your parents, so their permission was not honestly obtained. As it sounds as though your parents would have agreed to whatever he asked, it’s puzzling why he didn’t tell them the truth. Perhaps his plans changed.

Remarkably, I know three different women who have a poor relationship with their sister, in similar circumstances. It goes back a long way. It’s not about this particular incident, it never is, it’s about the history and personalities. But that’s not going to change. All I can suggest is that you look out for your own interests, because no one else will, and have as little to do with your sister as possible. Which will be difficult until after your parents have died and their property sorted out. Batten down the hatches.

Ah, so you fit the bill then.

Has anything else gone missing? Stuff that could be classed by the OPG (who regulate POAs) as "deprivation of assets"? If after discussion you think so, you could always discuss it with them. I think Age UK have a helpline where you could get advice, there might be a similar equivalent in Australia.

I 100% get this…my older sister gets away with murder. Earns 150k but gets into horrific debt which ends up with my elderly parents bailing her out. They lost count of how much and asked me to go through their bank accounts to check. magically when she pays back the ‘full amount’ it’s a fraction of the amount.
she still owes me money but I’m not allowed to mention it according to my parents because ‘she’s had a hard time’
ultimately I’m the dick for letting it happen, it’s always been like this and were in our 50’s, but the twisting in my guts is the same as when we were children.

Totally agree! It's like a playground for adults to bully each other. Nobody seeks to take into consideration how the OP is feeling, in any posts that are made, and just berate and belittle. And then half the time people don't read the posts properly anyway and just read what they want and exaggerate things!

@marmoet I feel for you. When my Grandad died my mum was straight over to his house ( I'm talking like his body wasn't even cold yet) and took the things she wanted including his photo albums, some rare collectible pieces he had and his car. My uncle went straight to the solicitor of course and after a lot of arguing she gave them back. He'd written in his will the collectibles were to go to my uncle anyway.

Until you experience a situation like this then people really shouldn't be so rude. At the end of the day, it's still taking advantage of a loved one and until the legal channels have been followed then possessions should be left alone ( if the family members are alive or not).

Hope you manage to get through this rubbish time OP x

Yes, I get it OP. My only advice is to let it go because otherwise, the anger and frustration will hurt you far more than anyone else.

It sounds similar to my mum and Aunty’s relationship. Aunty was the older one and got everything and mum was expected to be grateful for the leftovers. Granddad was kind but grandma was nasty especially to mum’s 4 children, which I was the youngest. I don’t think grandma wanted more than one child bus I suspect that granddad wanted a son, so mum was a double disappointment.

When grandad was old and too ill to manage his business that he’d built up from scratch, Aunty’s husband stepped in and took over. They had a ‘gentleman’s agreement/handshake’. The business was run from land that included grandad and grandma’s house. The deal was that both could live out their days there. Within 5 years, Uncle had sold the entire business for a huge profit inc. granddad’s detached house and garden. The grandparents moved into a council flat that the local vicar helped them get otherwise they’d have had to find a private rental property themselves. (This was the early 70’s)

Grandad was furious and vowed to have nothing more to do with Aunty and Uncle but he died suddenly a year later leaving grandma who had dementia. Uncle turned up and cleared the flat of anything valuable inc. the old grandfather clock that I’d always loved. It had horses carved on the top. Grandma moved in with us and mum had to reduce her hours at work to look after her. Grandma was difficult and incontinent too. Aunty had never worked a day in her life and refused to look after grandma even though my mum couldn’t afford to earn less money. Eventually, after about 2 years, my mum was pleading with Aunty on the phone to have grandma for a couple of weeks respite and she agreed. They collected her and then took her straight to a nursing home. Grandma died within that 2 week period which looking back as an adult, I feel was highly suspicious as I don’t think she has been physically ill, just the dementia.

Mum never received a penny in inheritance. The only tiny bit of Karma was after my mum died. Aunty came round to see if there was anything she might like to have of mums (my kind older sister let her have a rummage!) and she was looking through my mums wardrobe. Mum wasn’t particularly well off during her life but she had an eye for a bargain and naturally great taste and was a slim size 10 whereas Aunty was about a 16 and always dressed frumpily. Aunty said how much she admired my mum’s style and confidence and wanted to have some of mum’s clothes. We were going to charity shop them anyway so told her to crack on but she’d never have fitted into anything of mums.

My sister and I thought it was hilarious and imagined mum laughing her head off hearing that Aunty admired her as she’d never have admitted that to her face, ever! 😂

My very kind sister carried on visiting Aunty in her care home after she was widowed and despite all the wealth, Aunty wasn’t particularly happy. We also heard that Uncle was a womaniser too all the time they were married.

Honestly OP, you won’t win so try not to let all this hurt eat you up. My mum managed to let it go and focus on her own family. Take care. x