Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

He's being financially abusive and intending to leave you

I suggest you leave first with the children, claim benefits and CMS

It's literally your only choice

What a prick!
Is the house in both names? If he doesn't want to be with you tell him to go, you can make a claim for UC and will get an advance on it until your first payment. Make sure you claim child maintenance too.
He's financially abusing you

He's saving for the divorce!

Of course you are not managing now as you would have in previous years - has he not heard of the cost of living crisis? Prices have gone up!
It's the Mumsnet cliche - get your ducks in a row.
Make sure you know about income, savings, pensions etc. You are being financially abused and have decisions to make. Make them from a position of strength and knowledge.

You should not use a card in some else's name it should have been joint account ...but anyway get all the info you can and see a lawyer ASAP.

The reality is there’s actually no way of knowing who’s being more unreasonable without details of what you can afford or can’t.
You say it’s not fair to have a budget because you feel like a child, well most people live to a budget whether they work or not. Even high earners don’t have an unlimited pot. At a certain point you can’t keep spending, so yeah if you’re doing regular expensive trips to the farm, kids clothes for the sake of shopping rather than outgrowing etc but are overspending then yeah it’s not really reasonable.

Equally he could be a dick who’s super controlling, but either way if you are separating he actually doesn’t need to allow you unlimited funds because pretty soon it could just be CMS.

None of us truly know if the amount he has limited you to is realistic or not

Well I think budgets are sensible. No one can't just spend and spend if you need to save.

The budget that was set - did you both look at it and work out if it was enough to cover supermarket shopping and petrol?

The rest such as clothes and activities are more additional items that don't really need to be spent

Perhaps you both need to dot down together and work out budgets and spending ect. No excuse but it can be quite a bit of pressure being the sole earner - I didn't know realise until I was in that position

This.

He’s a prick. I doubt this is the first sign of it but make it the last.

Big question is how much did he give you for the month?

I wouldn't be so quick to label him a 'prick' - without knowing how the budget was calculated, how the money was spent and how tight things are overall it's impossible to conclude anything for definite. The reality is that pretty much everyone has to set some sort of budget and save up for larger purchases.

How do we all know it's financial abuse by ops post. Perhaps she is spending beyond their family income each month?

To be honest it sounds like you've been spending whatever you want, whenever you want and he's asked you to cut back but you've refused. Do you even keep track of your spending? Or just keep on swiping away on your magic money card.

I'm not saying he's gone about it the right way but I'd be mad too if I were him.

Red flags are - that she don’t have joint finances and that he has said she will have “ask” for money.

That and we have heard it all before.

Two things, first, there needs to be a joint account, so you can't be cut off entirely , in the meantime
Second, I would find out all the information you can about the household money, it sounds like he is planning to leave, and you need to make sure money isn't hidden during the split

Yes, the lack of a joint account and having to use his bank card (which is against the rules anyway) is a red flag problem. Even my grandad eventually put grandma onto his account jointly instead of giving her the housekeeping.

This is one of those situations where it would be helpful to hear his side of things. Maybe the budget set is reasonable, but you have continued to spend at the previous level instead of cutting back. But I think you maybe need to sit down together and write down reasonable outgoings, so it’s there in black and white, and stick to it. I also would never have been a SAHM for this reason.

’I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.’

It was asking when it was running into spending over and above the initial amount. Frankly without knowing how much it was then it’s terrible advice from everyone screaming financial abuse.
OP ran out 2/3rd of the way through the month, but the spending also involved farm trips and cafes, activities, clothes etc.

In the real world sometimes money runs out and it’s not reasonable to just spend with absolutely no concept of a budget amount because apparently makes you feel like a child.

The household budget should be mutually agreed. It is possible op is spending beyond the means of the household. We can’t tell.

even if she was, the current plan is unacceptable. They should agree on a budget and they should both have access to the accounts. The only way I would accept restricted access to the bank accounts is addiction or previous history of extreme financial irresponsibility.

Not sure is my post going to be helpful. Is he a good man otherwise?
Can you agree on budget for you and kids and then he pays and buys the clothes, all other things .....

I came to my marriage with virtually nothing. My husband is not rich but keeps a good job which keeps giving. He would pay for everything and whatever I needed, we just go to the shops, I would put it on the trolley and he would pay.

I saved about 3000 from one job before getting pregnant and never even told him or if he asked, I told him I will eventually need this money if he suddenly dies. I never knew how much exactly he had saved but I know how much his profession earns where I live.

I was home stay mum for many years and never lacked anything. Whatever needed, haircut, kids things, etc we would pay, either me, either him. I wanted sometimes a shared account but when looked at the idea, would be him sending me money to pay for what he would pay anyway from his own account.

I restarted work after the many years being at home. I save the whole thing and spend quite a bit of it also and if asks me , I am telling him to mind his own business, reminding him I never asked him how he used to spend his salary when I did not have any access to his account.

How patronising

The DH didn’t say “we really don’t have any more money this month you’ll have to manage” though.

He just said no.

It’s also telling that the OP sorts everything for the children and says she spent nothing on herself . Only the children.

And that she now needs nappies but he’s taken the card.

Doesnt sound great.

Why is it patronising?

Magic money card like I have no idea about money and where it comes from.. ?

What’s the household income? Per Month?

and how much do you usually spend per month?

how much have you spent up today?

I’m playing devils advocate here and say there’s two sides to every story. Unless he’s a really high earner, everyone has to budget. I don’t even think he earns over the child benefit limit because you still claim that. You should be able to see the finances clearly though but you need to let us know what the budget was, did you work out how much you need and then you were given it and you’ve spent it all. Even in an average 2 parent working household, you don’t just buy kids clothes monthly when you need money for other things. How do you expect to pay for those big expenses you say he’s now saving for.
I find that people who don’t work most times are the ones who sometimes think that money is endless. If he’s the only one working, earning less than 60k, paying every bill for a 4 person household, I don’t think he’s rolling in it really.