Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

Can't vote without more info and figures really, which you're chosing to not respond to.

This is such an odd thread. The reponses I mean. We are supposed to take a post at face value. Not question its veracity.

OP has DCs in nappies and spent some money at the cafe in the park.

Not Louis fucking Vuitton.

That is ok.
75% of 500 said it was U. So dont worry. I am not sure OP wants to give you figures.

We don’t know how much the op has spent. But her op indicates that she is not careful with money and does not think she should have to budget. We all have to budget. Maybe op dh is financially abusing her or maybe she is spending all their cash in an uncontrolled manner. We don’t know from the info we have

That’s nice except we can’t properly judge without more information.

Well, as someone who works for a domestic abuse charity, it is my mission to believe the victim.

It happened to me. It could happen to you.

Yes. It could.

You can download your bank statement into excel. Do that then total up all your family spending and show him that this is how much food costs, this is petrol, this is kids stuff etc etc
It might help to clarify the situation and show him how unreasonable he is.

So we have to believe 100% of every thread is exactly the way the op says it, so we all have to just agree and go along with it like it is all real true and unbiased?

Oh I just give up.

Let him have his way, he says you're no longer together.
That's fine, put in a claim for UC and a claim for CMS.
Its free to set up a CMS claim if you've been in an abusive relationship, I'd say he is financially abusive from what you've said.

I left my H when my youngest was 7 weeks old. I didn't even have a pram and had been putting everything my kids needed on credit cards for ages.
It was hard trying to understand how he was earning well, but refused to pay bills some months. Anytime the kids needed anything the money just wasn't there. Food shopping was often from my overdraft.

It’s not clear from OP what if any discussion was had about the household expenses, what was a reasonable amount to cover for day to day debit card outgoings like food, fuel, entertainment and clothes.

It may be husband has been unrealistic with budget allocated, or maybe they didn’t even discuss it?

Or it may be the OP has been in the habit of spending until the money’s gone each month, he’s restricted the available funds in order to “save up” and she has carried on spending as she did previously, so it’s now gone,

They need to have a conversation. Is he too tight/unrealistic or is she a spendthrift?

Taking it at face value we know that OP spent money on kids activities, the farm, cafes and clothes over the month and then ran out of money before buying enough food and nappies.
Designers brands are irrelevant. You cut your cloth according to your income. Spending £40 on the farm and another £50 on kids clothes when you can’t afford the basics is just as stupid as going into debt for LV.

Exactly.

I feel like there's more than one issue here though.

We cannot really comment on the budgeting side of things, or know who is reasonable, without actual figures.

We also cannot comment on why the partner thinks/feels they're not together anymore, because there's got to be a back story and more detail which we simply don't have.

Three could be financial abuse.
There could be financial irresponsibility.
There could be both.
There could be neither.

But if we take it at face value, OP spent an unknown amount of money on cafes, farm trips and the park without making sure she'd have enough left over to pay for basics like food and nappies. She also says being a budget makes her feel like a child.

But the reality is that lots of families can't afford multiple days out every week or even every month - it's not necessarily financial abuse to say to someone "we can't afford to keep spending like this".

Wages haven't increased to match the cost of living - it could well be that OP could spend freely before but now they need to be a bit more careful.

Until we know what her budget was and how much she's spent, as well as the household income and bills, there's no way anyone can say whether her husband is abusive or not.

He could be - but equally she could be refusing to work and just spending all his money without a second thought. Either could be true based on what she's written.

We all have a budget. I’m a single parent and work full time, I have a budget for all kinds of things. Yes you need to do stuff in the summer holidays with kids but I agree about parks etc. School didn’t break up long ago so if you’ve already done the farm, somewhere else, then maybe the rest of the month it’s reasonable to do free activities. The park, the library, set up a picnic in the garden etc. It’s impossible for us to know if he’s being abusive with or knowing how much you’re spending and if it’s excessive. It’s always good to have savings so both need to be on board. The way he’s going about it is wrong, you both need to sit down and look at income and outgoings and see where to cut costs. You can’t just spend what you like and request more all the time.

I think he's being very UR and you're being a bit UR. Reality is, maybe previously whilst you've never spent so much money the account has run dry, you have been spending a bit too much and need to cut back... you don't seem to have insight into the overall balance.

But - and it's a big one - if you don't have access to see transactions and it's his account anyway he is being very UR in his approach. It should have been " things are getting a bit tight, can we sit down and make a proper budget so we can achieve XYZ".

I get the impression OP was just merrily tapping away without giving it a second thought. Even with a finite budget she doesn’t seem to have considered adjusting her outgoings.

See the op didn’t come back to explain the numbers…

I haven't had a chance to read through the thread yet.
Sorry everyone and thanks for the replies. I promise I'll come back in a bit when I have a moment and answer questions ect.
There's a lot more than I expected

This.

DH earns our family income but I am always careful with our family money and it isn't spent in a frivolous way. We save up for things.

For example instead of getting my hair cut and blow dry every trip to the hairdressers I just get it done once a year and trim the rest of the time so it keeps costs down.

I'm busy with my kids. I don't just sit on my phone all morning...
I won't bother if people are going to be rude.
I didn't know I had to reply straight away. I can't do that. So if that's the expectation I won't bother.
If you want me to sit and add up expenses, bills ect, I need a minute which I don't have

This is financial abuse. I'd start making plans to leave.

During holidays we just go out one day trip per week. Can't afford anything more.

@Rockyrockrock posters have been rude to you and are continuing to be rude and miss the point. Of course you are not expected to reply overnight or before 7 in the morning!

Unfortunately you posted in AIBU, I would repost in relationships.