Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

You think this is the same situation? Gosh. Vase closed, you have seen it before.

Sounds like he's going completely the wrong way about giving you a much needed reality check. You should both know, where every penny of your money is going. That's what joint finances are. Not you blindly spending as much as you can every month with no idea what a savings account is.

There is a lot of missing information, but as he's declared the marriage over, none of it seems relevant now.

I hope you're now preparing yourself for divorce. You're already receiving child benefit, so next step is UC and a solicitor.

OP I suggest you get a job.

Your husband has been supporting the entire family on a low to medium wage since you left work. On top of that you are saving for big ticket items on his single wage.

Clearly there isn’t enough money to do all of this.

His attitude sounds less than ideal but we have no idea what the full story is here.

I think it’s an extremely bad idea for a woman to be completely financially reliant on a man. That seems to be a minority view on MN where women who stay at home for years on end are encouraged to just view their husband’s money as ‘family money’ rather than seek to earn their own. If the relationship breaks down these women are told to get their ducks in a row, find all his financial statements, get your 30 mins of free legal advice and make sure you get half his pension.

The simpler advice would be: don’t give up work long term and become dependent on another person in the first place.

He's an arsehole. Painting a picture of poverty and squirrelling away money in preparation for being tight af during the inevitable divorce.
You deserve someone much much better.

He's not squirreling it away though, he's being honest that he's saving it for them? While OP wants to spend without limits or savings and put her children in a financially precarious postion.

Pretending his salary is less than it is and saving the difference in an undisclosed account would be what you're accusing him off.

Have you read the thread? Are you especially dim?

How old are your kids OP? Can you get a job?

I've read the same thread as you, yes. Have you a point to make or are you just directing your misplaced anger on a lonely Saturday night?

He sounds like an asshole if he’s threatening divorce when you argue. BUT, your lack of responding to people asking about what your budget was etc suggests that you may not be the most financially responsible person (and are perhaps aware of that?). If you get child benefits and are in a single income household then buying new kids clothes each month and going to cafes/farms when you’re saving for a big expense sounds pretty far out of any sensible budget. You two should really sit down and look at your finances together to get back on the same page if you’re trying to make this relationship work

I thought so.

You thought I'd read the same thread as you? What an oddly aggressive line of questioning then.

Are you alright? Is there someone you can talk to?

Show him the receipts. Tell him you’re going to get a job so he will have to contribute half of the childcare while you work. If that doesn’t work, Sleep in a different room, Stop doing chores for him. It is possible to be regarded as a single parent, when you have nothing to do with your spouse if he refuses to leave and you can’t because of the children. Go to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings meanwhle contact the CSA. He can’t not support your children

Saving while spiting your children having nappies food clothing and activities

How kind

Or maybe he’s gaslighting her.

Go to citizens advice get a food bank voucher they will hopefully give you nappies too then make plans to leave you shouldn't be living in your overdraft

It is very upsetting when people who clearly dont understand domestic abuse, run a poster down on a forum for womenand perhaps set her back months.

I believe you OP, I really do. You need to see a lawyer and you need to report this.

He is planning to leave and enjoy the process.

Depends on the area they live in my rent on a three bed house is less than £500 a month and there are cheaper areas to live in

I think he’s planning on ending the marriage.
Either he's making it really difficult for you so you take the kids and leave or kick him out — either way he can make out you're the bad guy.
Or he’s got someone else lined up and he’s trying to end the marriage by you both agreeing it won’t work.
Not having a joint account makes tracking finances difficult. I think you need to speak to a solicitor and start planning.

OP all you need to make sure you have are marriage and birth certificates.

Make sure you have ANY proof of doctors and dentists appts. and ANY proof you are the main carer.
This is very important.

He is already prepared money wise, you need to be prepared childcare wise.

Get this in order, make an appt. with a lawyer asap. SAY nothing.

You should not be overdrawn while he is saving. Fact.

It's scary that you'd give up your job and financial independence to be a SAHM without having a joint account. From that moment on you've been dependent on his good will in letting you use his card, which he can - and now has - withdrawn at will. It sounds like it's over I'm afraid and he's saving for separation, but if you truly think it's salvageable the whole financial set-up needs to be transparent and equal, which is not likely to happen. Or you need to go back to work and share childcare costs.

This is an insane assumption based on the op. All we know is that ops ex is having to keep back some money for furniture (presumably for the family home). Op was given a budget and she didn’t stick to it.

Everyone has to stick to a budget and it sounds like ops dh is not a high earner. I’m a single Mum but I would go nuts if I had a non working partner who wouldn’t control their spending with the family sole income

You do not use anothet persons card they have names on then for a reason and how much is being spent

DD uses my card all the time for small purchases. You dont sign you point at a card reader.

Or maybe he isn’t and she’s blown a fortune. We don’t know because we don’t have the information