Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

I am sorry that you are receiving a lot of unnecessary criticism here. My mum was a SAHM so is my sister. When you are married, there is no his/her money. The money belongs to both. Absolutely, budgeting should happen but you have every right to access the money. You are looking after the children, the home, carrying the mental load with no break.

I’m incredulous that some people on here are giving you a hard time sweetheart. I understand military life as my ex was in the military. I don’t think you’re overspending and £80 for a summer wardrobe for a child is very good, Going to a farm and cafe once is hardly being frivolous.

Im more worried about him cutting up his card and any access you have to money apart from family allowance.

That is financial abuse. You both agreed for you to be a SAHM till the children go to school which means what’s his is yours.

When he’s calm and able to have a rational conversation, ask him to sit down with you and budget for absolutely everything.

You can add someone to your account without it being a joint account, so see if he’ll agree to that. That means you have a bank card with your name on it.

A joint account would be better and is the right thing to do if he’s going to be a man about this instead of being a dick.

I would also remind him that if he keeps threatening to end your marriage, he might just get what he wants one of these days.

If your marriage sadly does end, you get to stay in quarters for up to 6 months and the rent still comes out of his pay automatically. If he doesn’t pay maintenance, again the forces can it out of his wages automatically and send it to you.

My ex didn’t pay up for a while despite warnings so I called his CO and told him what was going on. I received a cheque shortly after and regular payments till my daughter was 18.

I hope you and your wee family can work this out.

Thats if she's British she hasn't given those details.

That’s the problem- why is it focused on the woman to pay or to think about child care?

I am actually disgusted with this thread. After decades on here. I am a very recent victim of domestic, emotional and financial abuse. As is my DC.

XH was prosecuted and I am now divorced. It is the attitudes on here I encountered (always women) that nearly made me give up and die. Especially one incredibly abusive policewoman. One incredible policeman saved the day.

"Get a job" (I am trapped abroad) "Oh, hes clever" about XH. Incredible.

Some posters are hideous, I mean hideous stupid people who are here to wind a woman in need and crisis up and "chat amongst themselves" and find it funny. 100s of posts, 100s. I have never seen such idiotic posting in all my time on here.

I am leaving the thread again as my blood is boiling, but I imagine mumsnet will step in again.

Its embarrassing.

OP, PM me if you need any in depth advice. I am one month out of the situation and now volenteer as it is such a lonely and sad place to be, especially when you are vulnerable with DCs.
All the very best.

You plan on spending money next week not this week. Have you bought food yet or will you all breath in fresh air. How the other half live this clean life. If you live in London when you step.out of your front door it costs money. I guarantee you you will buy an ice-cream or else you're mean.

Best thing yo do op when working through a thread go through the messages that understands your circumstances. I have seen a few on here from military wifes/ex wifes. Only 5% of this thread is helpful to you. I hope everything goes well for you you deserve better.

I've put up a thread before and only 5% of it made sense to me. In a lot of threads people tend to debate with other posters not helpful for you it ends up like that. I think you've handled this thread very well.

Am I going mad here or what? 500 pounds per month, to include food shopping for 4, is a pittance in this day and age. Why has no one else pointed this out? No wonder thethe poor woman can't manage!

Well OP, next month and for the rest of this month you only buy the absolute necessities…. If he asks where his favourite biscuits are or why there is only the cheapest beans or ketchup brands in the cupboard you say ‘I can’t afford to buy branded goods anymore!’ stay in and then when he walks through the door tell him you’ve not been out for days as can’t afford it so you’re going out for a walk…. Let him look after the kids while you go out, let your son run around without bottoms on and when he pisses on the floor say ‘oh sorry I was trying to save money by not using so many nappies!!’ Also I’d 100% look into getting yourself a job in September…
His constant threats to divorce you etc are very abusive and unfair…. This is emotional abuse and isn’t good to have around the children! Is leaving him and going to a parents an option? Can you speak to someone about leaving your current situation? The forces have welfare officers.. could you speak to them? Would your parents pay for you and the children to come back and stay with them? Now is the time to do it, before your 4yr old starts school and settles!

The husband cut her money and said he would give her more if it was needed then refused. He needs to sit down with her and work out what is needed. Instead he is isolating himself from the expenses of family life. It is horrible and you have my sympathy. When a partner does this, it means they have no investment in the family, have no interest in even thinking about the day to day family life, usually because it is ‘boring’ and too trivial.
He has changed the family routine for a reason. You need to find out what it is.
Sending you a virtual
hug.

Plus nursery, clothes, and preschool!

Sorry nappies not nurseries.

& petrol!

Regardless of the wider issue which we have all established IS financial abuse, when she gets divorced and is on a single income with 2 kids to look after the budgeting will be needed even more so…£600ish off UC, and full bills to pay. £80 on a summer wardrobe will not be feasible.

So as I said you can pick up multipacks of kids clothing up for less than £5/£10, sandals less than £10, a jumper/hoodie £4 and a swimming costume for the same price.

So please tell me what the need for your comment was? OP clearly stated she had £500 to last however long and it hasn’t because equally her idea of budgeting is not great either. How will she cope as a single mum who probably will have £100 left in the month after bills etc to feed and clothe the same children.

@sn21 how op will cope if her circumstances change is not the point. Neither is her ability to budget. The rules changed without warning. Op is asking for advice not criticism.

If your hubby is in the military can you go to the welfare officer and explain he is keeping you short of money and see if they can help. Failing that go to court for maintenance, say he is with holding money and leaving you short. Even living in teh same house you can get maintenance, I did. 500 wont pay for much for food and any other bills, or tell him he can pay everything, do the shopping, cook the meals and do his and the kids washing and see how that goes. Personally I would be asking for that separation and moving out

OP, before this thread fills up, please understand that one particular poster has been projecting and trying to run this thread. Treat her invitation to DM you carefully.

At no point have I criticised…?
I have advised OP that she can still get good quality children’s clothes for way less. If she’s spending £80 at under 4 now, it’s going to be more when they get older?

I haven't read the whole thread, but I'm having a really hard time with the judgements being levied against OP and how many people are missing the point of her post. Her DH has unilaterally decided that he makes the financial decisions in their family and has made seemingly arbitrary decisions on how much to allocate for expenses related to the household and children. How exactly did he decide how much money she needed? It doesn't sound like he is regularly doing the food shop or covering the children's expenses. Has he made a budget for these things? If he has, he hasn't done it with OP who knows how much these things cost. He hasn't even given OP a peek at the accounts. He could have £100000 in savings or a £1000 overdraft, he could have a gambling addiction or he could just be a tight, controlling bastard. SHE DOES NOT KNOW. From what OP has shared it doesn't sound like she has been spending unreasonably, but really how is she to know if she's been unreasonable if she doesn't know what their financial position is. He has never allowed OP to have a full picture of the family's finances. In eight years he has never allowed her to have that information.There have been no joint decisions and he has left her wondering if she will be able to buy nappies. It is controlling and abusive and OP is in an extremely vulnerable position. He has belittled her, purposefully made her vulnerable and destabilized her by repeatedly threatening divorce. Their housing situation is tied to his job. What happens to the op if the split? He won't be homeless, but what about the OP. She is minimizing those threats by saying he always says those things when he's angry, but I would probably do that too in the same position because taking them seriously presents a really dire picture. Those threats are coming from his position of power. I think some people on this tread need to stop justifying his controlling behaviour, recognize what he is doing and show a little empathy to someone who is being abused.

@Whatafliberty because it has been pointed out several times already that it wasn’t £500, it was £500 + £170 child benefit + £100 food shop & £50 in petrol was already covered by the DH separately.
And no, the childcare costs don’t come out of this.

So could have worked in England but has become a SAHM since they moved.

I think I understand where op is and I can also understand that working might not be a simple case of going and getting a job. A lot of other factors are at play

And it’s also been pointed out that even with everything added up it isn’t going to cover the amount she needs to just survive and as the dh has decided that there isn’t anymore more money, it doesn’t matter how cheap things are, unless they are free then it’s going to be too expensive

Even if she had done some mathematical stunt and covered everything, it does not leave her with any money just for her, whilst her dh has £800 + or any knowledge of what she will get next month or the month after and no amount dew of what he has coming in or going out.

I think a lot of people have missed a big part of this thread. She has had access to the account for the last 8 years and was able to have the bank card when required.
Her DH has suddenly stopped access , changed passwords on the account so she can no longer see spending and saying he needs to save.

whenever she has tried to broach the subject in relation to budgeting or a joint account he becomes very defensive and threatens divorce and won’t discuss.

Lots of people only have around that amount, especially if the sole earner is only bringing home approx £2K.

He pays separately for what OP calls 'playgroup' (but then went in to say is essentially pre-school).

Why? They both agreed she should be at home with the kids until they went to school. Lots of people do it. She’s not claiming benefits (other then child allowance) so IF they can afford it there’s nothing wrong with it.