Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

A divorce will cost him more. Get the process started and hit him where it hurts most.

My x behaved like this, financially abusive. I had to put shopping on a credit card in my name, so when I left it was with a debt.

The wording of your original post does suggest you don't like the idea of having a budget and you admit you maybe did spend 'a bit much'? You need to sit down and discuss a reasonable budget and take some responsibility. You also need to to stop using his card and have the money you need for food, fuel, child essentials etc paid into a joint acc.

He’s getting his ducks in a row. Or there has been a change in your financial situation and you need to learn to budget.

How much is he earning and how much are you spending needs to be answered before anyone can say who is unreasonable. Also how much is he saving and for what? Sometimes if you are saving for something you need to make sacrifices elsewhere

The thought of being financially dependent on anyone gives me total anxiety. Would it be an option for you to go back to work to improve this dynamic? How old are the kids?

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

so is he saying that the marriage is over? did you not question this? why does he consider you not to be together now?

For now OP. Tell him that nappies etc will run on approx on x day so he'll have to pick them up, ditto everything else essential.

You need a plan, it sounds like he's planning something you're not privy to yet. Having you financially helpless is part of it.

Comments like this are so naive.
Assuming OP’s child benefit claim goes back before April then he’s been earning 60k or more realistically under 50k.
If you think supporting a family of 4 on that income leaves loads of spare cash lying around you’re ridiculous. His child maintenance payment would be a lot less than he’s paying for now.
The idea that OP will only come out of a divorce financially winning is terrible advice.

@gamerchick You need a plan, it sounds like he's planning something you're not privy to yet

I mean he literally said he wants a divorce and “we aren’t together”, how much more privy to it could the OP be?

I think it’s difficult to judge based on the information given. What is his take home pay, the cost of household bills and how much money did he send you for the month? Being honest, do you think you could budget better? If you are used to just spending what you want when you want, has that affected the households ability to save any money for emergencies etc. Maybe your husband has reviewed the finances and thinks there are cutbacks to be made. Of course, he could have had an actual adult conversation with you about it. It’s a problem that he hasn’t. If you haven’t been getting on lately, is this the start of him separating himself from you?

Well it's not easy to give you an opinion are you actually spending in proportion to he's wages?

What's the budget and how much did you spend against it?

How long have you been a SAHM?

It's not unreasonable to have a budget, living within your means is sensible. Is he feeling the pressure of being the sole earner?

However you both should be agreeing what the budget is and ensuring that you are spending on the essentials as needed and cutting back the non essentials.

Him wanting to save and limiting spending isn't BU in itself but making you beg or making the kids and you go without, not having your name on a joint account is BVU.

Then he needs to bugger off then doesn't he?. You don't say things like that, stay living there, cut off funds so the kids suffer and be a dick just because. UC takes weeks to come through. If he's going then he needs to go

My first thought is affair and he’s looking for any excuse for you to get fed up and leave him.

Whoops posted too soon.

Especially as it’s a sudden decision, and he wants to keep his bank balance private from you which (I assume) you don’t have access to. Points to affair.

He is likely spending on OW and is realising he is running out of money hence the sudden “saving”

believe me most guys aren’t bothered about saving for white goods.

he could also be cheating as in spending money on sex workers, may not be the classic affair route. but his behaviour points to classic cheater having affair and feeling guilty behaviour.

being nasty to you and saying you aren’t together anymore also suggests he’s wanting you to leave first so he doesn’t have to feel as bad about the affair with OW.

I would ask him for a list of transactions from his account, see what he says.

the fact you are married and have no joint account is concerning; you shouldn’t have to be asking him for handouts anyway. Whose name is on the house deeds?

edited typos

OP I think more info is needed.

How much did he give you?
Did you discuss how much groceries, petrol, day to day costs are before the budget was set?
How much does he earn?

Well. So far it it sounding like you don’t have a good idea about budgets, as you haven’t really answered how much income he gets, how much he has allocated to you, and what the savings targets are?

OP I just get the feeling that you're not telling us the full story. You're both behaving very immaturely.
Him, for threatening divorce.
You , for thinking a budget is childish.

A budget is something you come up with TOGETHER.

He shouldn't be unilaterally deciding how much to give you. But equally, you shouldn't be spending mindlessly.

Surely, as you've always used his card, you should know whether the amount he transferred was realistic, and also how much exactly was left?

Did you guys work out what your costs are before he gave you the money for the month?

To be fair you’ve not been very clear on the finances. Monthly income. All bills. How much you spend, savings pot. He’s right you do need savings.

I think folks are jumping on he’s a prick and it’s abuse, but have no idea at all on the finances, as you’ve not said, either as you don’t actually know or you don’t wish to say

for goodness sake. What a silly leap/

He is the sole earner for 4 people, on a low to median salary (as still qualifies for child benefit), so there isn’t much money there.

OP has not budgeted at all, as she has ran out of money for essentials but spent on unnecessary items such as cafe, days out and new clothes (which people on a budget would be cutting out).

@Rockyrockrock How old are your children? Is there a chance that you can go back to work, at least part-time to get your independence back? You’ve been using his bank card for years and never run out before and all of a sudden you can no longer use his account and he gives you an allowance that he hasn’t been forthcoming about?

If he’s threatening to divorce you and is now taken back full control of his account without letting you have access to it, there’s a chance that he might try to either start hiding money or it’s a way to financially control you further. There’s also a strong likelihood that he’s already rewriting the narrative. I do hope you have IRL support because this doesn’t seem to bode well.

Multiple things can be true at the same time. OP could be spending money like water. But her husband could also be trying to hide his income for erm other reasons.

I doubt that the OP is going to give an unbiased view and the devil is in the detail here.