Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

Well actually we've no idea if its financial abuse as the income and the portion of which she's spending are unknown... If she's spent 80% of he's wages for the month I'd say he'd be feeling abused lol.

This in itself is telling. You can’t jump to the conclusion that your husband is being an arsehole if you have absolutely no idea about the numbers.

If your husband is earning on or under the threshold to be able to claim child benefit he is probably taking home no more than around £3k per month to support a household of 4. That really doesn’t stretch far! To say ‘we’ve always been able to afford…’ is pretty pointless when the cost of most things has pretty much gone up 50% or doubled in the last two years.

Taking your bank card fair enough but she can't phone the police about he's bank card 😂

This is one of the first threads I've seen like this where the majority of posters aren't all jumping straight to the husband being financially abusive and that there simply may not be the budget for living the lifestyle OP wants. Is he abusive or is he preventing a future thread where op says her feckless husband has gotten them into debt and can't climb out?

I think family finances barring relationships with prior children etc should have transparent finances, budgets and plans for the future. There should be joint accounts that both parties are trusted to use.

Try buying all essentials including nappies etc at the beginning of the month and seeing what's left. Bulk buying is cheaper anyway. When our kids were little, all bills came out straight after pay day, kids essentials bought in bulk, funds moved to another account to save towards annual trip to see family. On our income if we kept everything down we could manage all bills and groceries, save for the annual trip and have a whopping £100 left over for socialising etc. if we made different choices we could have had more there but we had to work out our priorities. This was with two incomes. As our mortgage has gone down and childcare costs gone we now live comfortably but still communicate about finances and how we want to manage now and in the future.

No, posters have said it's impossible to conclude without more info.

You don't just deny your stay at home wife access to money. You talk about it, like adults. If the OP had access to a joint account then she would know how much money was in it, instead of being treated like a child.

He did not take my bank card. He went to the bank and TOOK OVER my bank card.

We don't know he is denying access to money though - all we know is that she's spent all he gave her!

It’s not rude to just not scream financial abuse, leave him!

There is every chance the OP could just have been overspending based on their income. And yes spending to the very end of the pot leaving nothing for emergency savings is overspending.

How old are your children? Is there a good reason (age of children possibly) for you being unable to contribute financially to your household? How much money do you have available each month and what are you expected to pay for from it? How much does your husband earn and what does he pay for?

@Rockyrockrock I'm not saying that you have to tell us the answers to these questions , they're very personal. But those saying that there is financial abuse may not be correct. Let's not jump to conclusions.

Just to clarify
The farm is £4 per ticket. My son is free because he's under 2.
So that's £8 on the farm.
The cafe trip was £14.

The clothes for my daughter were needed, she hasn't had new clothes on ages
She needed summer clothes. It cost £80 for a whole summer wardrobe and that will be it now.

Husband gets takes home around 2,100 after tax and rent (military house so rent comes out of his paycheck).

Monthly bills are around 470.
Playgroup 128.

He transferred me £500.

I've done food shops, petrol a couple of times, I've bought nothing for myself. Certainly not been spending senselessly. I could have not gone to the cafe and the farm but it wasn't particularly expensive.

Kids are home with me, haven't started school yet. One was in playgroup a few days which has now finished for summer.

I always worked before I had my kids so not sure why people are assuming I know nothing about money and budgeting.

Last month he bought himself a £70 ring.
This month, I know so far he's spent 10 renting a film for himself to watch. He went out for food and drinks the other night with friends, he buys clothes for himself on vinted so not massively expensive but I can't remember when I last bought myself anything.

I only spend money on the kids really. And yes I could stay at home but I try and do things with them. We've always been able to afford it and I'm definitely not an over spender.

Maybe I spent too much on top up shops this month. I've had a look and managed to spend 20 in the co op a couple of times which is too expensive and I should have better planned the weekly shop. But I didn't and know to be better in that area next time.

But that was things we'd ran out of-fruit/milk/bread ect.

He always says we're done when he's angry. We're getting divorced when we're arguing. He doesn't even mean it but it's not nice.

If he wants to save, in my opinion, he should take an amount out and put it into savings. Then if there's any left save that aswell.

Maybe I'm wrong and have spent too much in which case I'm prepared to be told and try harder.

But equally, surely we can just discuss a budget if we suddenly need to spend less. Not him telling me I have this amount, taking the card, telling me no when I need a bit more?

And he shouldn't be spending on himself if I can't..if he's going to tell me I'm spending too much?

Children are 18 months and almost 4. Neither in school just yet

Have you sat down and discussed actual costs?

She says that what he gave her wasn't enough and when she asked for more he refused.

Why isn't he being transparent about their finances? Why is he making unilateral decisions as though she is a child?

If she's been over spending for months ( possibly ) he way of had no choice but to take he's card back we know he's not financially thriving based on the fact they get child benefits and that he needs to save up for furniture. We've no idea how much he earns it's quite unfair to call him an abuser ( an absolutely disgusting thing to be ) intill he's incomes established.

Hmmm, I think that maybe you are a bit frivolous with the money, but equally he is controlling you financially (but perhaps out of anger at your spending).

If you have a £500 budget, you need to sit down and work out, after food shopping and necessities, how much you have left for buying a ‘new summer wardrobe’ and days out and then plan accordingly. If it really is too tight a budget, sit down with your husband and explain the problem.

The other option- get a job and rely on childcare.

Ok, thank you.
Maybe I should have sat down and worked out costs a bit more
The summer wardrobe was for my daughter and was very needed.
He actually told me he'd pay for that but has changed his mind because he said he did a food shop before he gave me the money.

I could probably put back on things like little days out (soft play ect)
But he was buying himself things every month which is what bothers me. Like the kids have to miss out so he can buy himself clothes ect? Seems unfair

OP has since added some detail.
My point really was however, that one person saying it's not enough doesn't really tell us if it is actually enough or not. Parents of a friend of mine used to argue (he heard them) about money - turns out that even with the dad giving a very generous household budget the mum somehow managed to deplete it all, the more he gave the more she spent! In that case she was spending out of boredom - trips to town every day and expensive dinners every night. Not saying this is the case here but before OP gave some detail it was all a bit vague.

Making a unilateral decision that you alone will control all the household money most certainly is abusive.

What would happen if he got run over by a bus tomorrow? How would the OP access money?

So you spent £500 and whatever amount of your overdraft leaving you with £30 left until your limit in under 3 weeks and him having paid for a food shop just before those 3 weeks. Thats a lot of money to many families, particularly with kids and on a lower income.

Yeah I couldn't take care of 2 kids and feed 4 on £500 per month. However he's working for he's £70 ring. It sounds to me like he's done op and that he's now begrudgingly giving you any money. I'd be plotting my way out tbh.

I couldn't. He's cut up the card and changed his password on the bank account aswell. Granted its his, not joint but he always said I had free access to it. I asked to have a joint one years ago he said he could just transfer me money like he's doing now but I didn't think that was a good idea.

It's a case of you not being on the same page, going to a farm, a cafe etc are optional spends. You say new kids clothes which may or may not be reasonable (yes kids need clothes but unless they have outgrown them it's optional spending), several petrol top ups? How far are you driving? And supermarket shops are equal either.

Is this really sudden or has he been frustrated with overspending for months, years? Being a stay at home parent only works when you agree and stick to budgets.