Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

How much is he earning and how much are you spending needs to be answered before anyone can say who is unreasonable.

This, 100%. It’s pointless anyone offering advice until the OP answers these questions. The OP might be caning money they don’t have on clothes and days out, or the DH might be financially controlling-we have no idea.

If he is telling you that you are no longer together, you need to get some legal advice asap. If you are unable to buy food and essentials because he is withholding funds, that is financial abuse. You need to start thinking about getting a job and planning a life independent from him.

@Bananabreadandstrawberries You seem to have a better insight into OP’s life and how she’s managing her finances. Is it because she’s a stay-at-home mum that you’re leaping to these conclusions? If you’ve missed the OP, she wrote that she handled the purchases before and all of a sudden her husband is saying they don’t have any money and that he’s been threatening to divorce her?

Can you go back to work? Then you can potentially leave him.

If you’ve missed the OP, she wrote that she handled the purchases before and all of a sudden her husband is saying they don’t have any money

Cost of living increases mean that what your wages covered a year ago, they cover much less now. It doesn’t sound like there is the money now for farm trips and new clothes if the OP can’t afford to buy nappies.

We only know what OP has said.

She hasn’t said anything about the numbers involved, how much she was spending before, and whether they were able to make any savings in the past. Handling purchases is not the same as budgeting and saving. OP makes no mention of the latter.

All this suggests she might not have a good grasp on budgets. So her partner could have run out of money or the books just aren’t balancing anymore.

That is incredibly suspicious that he changed his mind on that so suddenly, I stand by what I said before.

"well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"

I think in your husband's head he and you are not together anymore. I would contact a family solicitor and ask for advice about what to do. Also check in google if you can apply for UC as you are unemployed, depending of your children age I would try to go back to work but I understand with young children it's difficult if you have no family around to give you a hand.

Usually it's us women who has a worst position financially after a break up :(.

Lots of info is missing here....

Agree with this

Is it really sudden though?
Stretching but
He could've been asking OP to rein it in for a while. OP refuses to do so because it's never been a problem before. So he has to give her an amount and put the rest away.
Maybe asking for more is related to any big issues like a car repair or something but he expected her to stick to the budget and not spend unnecessarily.

OP's been using his card for 'years' and is still a SAHM, means they must have multiple kids yet he earns little enough for them to claim child benefit.

Also... If all she does is use his card how does she even know how much is in there??

All very strange

Oh gosh, this is just so horrible for you. I'm also very financially independent and quite proud, so having family money withheld would really upset me and make me feel small. Of course it's ok to take your kids to a cafe or on a day out. The cost of living is insane at the moment and our food bill especially has really rocketed in the last year. If it's looking like the end of your marriage then you might as well speed it up, tell him to fuck off and get your dignity back. If you think you want to stay, I'd be keeping receipts from now on and be really overly explicit with everything you buy to the point it will get on his nerves 😂
Don't let him belittle you when you are doing such a hard job of raising the kids and running the household, it's you who is keeping everyone and everything going. Please don't let him make you feel like you have to ask for money for necessities just because the nobhead doesn't understand how much things cost nowadays. Good luck girl.

Yes this!!!! There's not an endless supply of money.

If you want to try to make a go of it, you need a joint budget. You need to know how much he’s earning, all your fixed costs and what you want to save for and in what time period (eg £5000 for new furniture in the next year, or whatever). Whatever is left gets split into your ‘fun’ spending, his fun spending, and family fun spending (activities one or both of you do with your child/ren). Go through both your transactions for the last month and match them to those categories. If there isn’t enough to cover all those categories in the future, work out where you can trim things (free park vs farm park, beer at home vs night at the pub, etc) or whether you would rather (or need to) slow down your savings goals.

He might just be panicking if he feels he slogs
his guts out to earn and you spend without thinking. He might be financially abusive. If you say the spending got away from you this month and you need to understand and be a partner in the budgeting so that doesn’t happen again, his reaction will tell you a lot.

How old are the children and how long have you been out of work…? I’m assuming you’re no longer on Maternity leave & kids are in school?

It sounds like you need to start looking for a job and contributing, he can no longer be relied upon.
But he is enforcing this in a financially abusive way, and you may be better off (mentally) without him.
Sorry OP. 💐

Why is he saying you are not together

I think he’s a prick because whatever the budget is, he’s set it unilaterally. It should have been a decision you made together and agreed was achievable. Also if you had both agreed £x would be absolutely limit for the month bar some unexpected catastrophe like the car or boiler breaking down then you probably would have budgeted better - but instead understood you could just ask for more money if needed in line with your usual monthly spend (particularly as it’s the first month and the school hols).

Anyway what to do next depends on your housing situation - if you rent or own and if it’s the two of you together or one owns outright.

Also how old are your children and can you look for a job?

Think op needs to add more info if that’s the case

what has also led me to think affair is the fact he’s saying they aren’t together anymore too. Normally a man won’t leave unless he has another bed to get into.

If your DH turned around tomorrow and said "I dont want a divorce but I am only going to give you 400 pounds a month" what would you do?

It is financial abuse.

He is saying it because he can.
The terrifying thing is OP cant afford to get divorced.

OP, I went straight to the police. I suggest you do.

You went to the police over a money dispute with your husband?

Yes. He was financially abusing me. Took over my bank card, denied me anything and eventually locked me and DC out.

THIS is precisely how it started.

And yes. He relied heavily on the fact NOBODY would believe me.

Iv seen this situation in family friend and there were two sides. The wife was saying he was financially abusive etc when he gave her a budget. What she didn't tell anyone was he had tried multiple times to talk to her about spending and showing her a breakdown of cost and bills, she would each month overspend eack month anyway (on none essentials), getting them into debt. When he gave her a set amount she screamed financial abuse.

And not having a joint account isn't a red flag imo

‘Maybe I did spend too much, ‘

there’s your answer.