Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

She has access to fuck all. This is the point of this thread.

I thought she didn’t. I had posted previously re financial abuse. Needing to budget with no idea with where you are up to withdraw said budget is also impossible

To make it clear from the outset, I am not and never have been a SAHM, I don’t have to be one to defend one so trying to throw my ‘choices’ back at me like you did there with your attempt at making a big point won’t work when you’ve mistaken the choices ✌️
Also, I didn’t say working mothers don’t raise their children, I AM ONE 😆 I thought it would be clear that I meant the full day to day stuff as the whole conversation is literally about a stay at home parent but obviously I should have clarified that. I should very much have realised on here that in anyway questioning why we consistently criticise women who decide to stay at home with children would automatically be turned into me criticising women who work after having children, even if I am in fact also a mother that works 😆

I don't know how this comment helps anyone. You don't need to feel guilty.

Or this one
@Insertcreativenamehere

"You could have maybe bought your daughters new wardrobe on Vinted?
It’s so much easier spending someone else’s money!!
Sit down, work out a budget, show him all the incoming and outgoing’s and have an adult conversation about it."

It's getting mean on this thread. There's no need for it.

Also, as a side note, thankyou for reiterating my point. There is thread after thread on here criticising stay at home mums and that is generally the theme whenever one dares to make a thread on here but you saw ONE comment where you mistakenly thought I was a SAHM criticising working mothers and you came at me.

I don’t mean to sound awful but it’s the harsh truth that maybe you need to hear.

Some people, myself included, went back to work when my kids were really young (less than six months old) as we couldn’t live on one salary. So with a full time job I still did most of the other tasks you mention above. Yes it’s exhausting but it gives you some independence.

Like I said, show him your incomings and outgoings and have an adult conversation about it. Alternatively look for a job - you can childmind from home so would be able to look after your children too without additional expense.

I didn’t say a single thing to suggest you were a stay at home mum, nor did I “come at you” by correcting your point that working mothers are still the ones who raise their children, you commented that women stay at “to actually be the ones to raise the children they created” which is frankly a ridiculous comment and then to throw out the “don’t demean or criticise women comment” on top is pretty ironic.

It’s not coming at you to point out that working mothers also raise their children. Utterly ridiculous to imply otherwise.

Difficult to say yabu or yanbu. You do need to budget. You also shouldn't be using his card. However you should have a joint account which you both have access to and you both discuss as a couple amount you can spend. Taking the children to the park as it's free is kinda what everyone does around and take their own food. Obviously you well off if buying food in cafe and going to a farm etc daily. I'm day two into the holidays excluding the weekend and spent £0 so far. I don't plan to spend anything for the whole of this week and we a busy week of playdates in park, library visits etc. all free. Hard to tell without hearing both sides of the story.

Just ignore the horrid ones on here. You both wanted you to stay at home. The money is for all of you. I could not stand it if my man kept threatening that we are over. Don't tolerate that. Have calm and sensible conversation. Write down your points/spending before hand. Good luck

Yabu to give up working without having a transparent and fair approach to household income. He’s divorcing you so prepare accordingly.

How old are the children ? The army ,/ forces normally has a welfare officer who can help or the Padre.Lots of army wives work and help each other out with childcare.Have you any army wives who can help also ?

Plus in the forces family welfare is priority and they would not be happy to hear that your husband is financially abusing you .Have you enough money for food? Sure start is a charity which may help also.

To be fair, it’s been fucking mean on this thread since the beginning. It’s pretty shocking to be honest

She’s a trailing spouse who is following her husband as he is stationed elsewhere. They agreed for her to be a SAHM as many couples do. She was comfortable with their approach until he suddenly changed everything out of nowhere. Your ‘advice’ is amazingly unhelpful.

I am sorry some people are tearing you apart so cruelly. I really don’t understand what drives these keyboard lionesses and lions to attack with such judgement and disregard for how the person on the other side may feel. Most of them, if not all, would never say half of the things they write in a face to face exchange. How about a bit of kindness?

Her DH is in the military they move around.

You may wish to go back and RTFT or at least all the OPs posts.

Pure insanity that anyone sides with the husband.

OP isn’t doing him a favour by staying at home and caring for the children - it’s a pre agreed decision by the two of them as a division of labour.

It costs money to care for children at home and not send them into paid childcare. You still have to provide not only the basics - nappies / roof over their head, food etc but entertainment to engage and learn, take them out to socialise and leave the house for your own wellbeing.

To restrict access to money for not only his wife but his children is abusive and controlling. Its holding her emotionally captive until she does what he tells her to do….id guess knowing that she would never dump the kids at his feet and say ok, well phone your work because you need to start looking after them 50% of the time whilst I also go out to work!!

bonkers.

Some of the comments on this thread are horrendous.

I wish people would stop criticising her for being a SAHM!! Sometimes that is what works best for families, and given her situation, where she lives etc., it's probably the best solution. There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM and just leave her alone. Her husband is the problem here.

Of course he is being abusive. From the figures she's posted, and the information of refusing her access to their family income, he's absolutely financially abusive.

This woman needs support, not people making nasty, judgemental comments.

Her youngest is still a tot, shaming her for not working is atrocious.

@Rockyrockrock I hope you are ok, these comments are really nasty, you don't deserve it. You absolutely sound like you're doing your best and doesn't sound like you're overspending at all to me. I hope you can find some support from welfare at your barracks. Your husband really sounds pretty angry and nasty though, you may want to look into finding a way to leave him.

But were you in a foreign country when you went back to work? So much easier to say go back to work when you have a visa or a right to work in the country you are in.

You're not overspending. He's now saving, which means he's cutting back, with no regard for your dilemma.

OP is not in a foreign country! Stop repeating this nonsense.
If OP wants to continue to be a sahm whether in or not in a relationship with her DH that’s her dilemma to decide, but she does not need to gain a right to work or a visa to with in the uk.

Well done to you. The £80 once in a while spent on the child’s clothing isn’t the problem. Look at the wider issue.

Why is it that the woman has to always sacrifice? Why does OP need to work from home so can provide child minding? Where does the husband fit in to all of this other then being a sperm donor?

It was just a suggestion if she didn’t want to pay for child care.