To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

She sounds very sensible. I'd be proud of her. Why aren't you?

Yabu she’s allowed any boundary she wants. But she needs to also then realise this will narrow down her dating options.

Many grown adult women don’t want their partners watching porn, now some men won’t watch porn a lot do watch porn but she’s allowed to have feelings about it.

I think you shouldn't be discussing your teenage daughters sex life on the internet.

She can break up with him for any reason she wants.

This is a dealbreaker for her.

I am surprised you aren’t proud of her having standards rather than trying to convince her all men are like this so she may as well settle for the one she’s got.

I don't think you should get involved op. She is adult enough to make her own decisions with the information she has.
I wouldn't be advising her what to do in this situation

She’s 17. If ever there’s a point to have principles and walk away it’s 17.

I agree that porn is common. It won’t be a deal breaker for lots of people.
It clearly is a deal breaker for her.

It’s not your relationship. If she wants to split up with him, it’s not your choice to make her stay in a relationship she doesn’t want to be in.

A child in a long term relationship is worried about her boyfriend's porn interest. I'd say there's lots of things that bother me about that and one of them is the fact you are so relaxed about it all.

If that's her boundary, that's her boundary; and I don't think you should be discouraging her from sticking to them.

YABU, good on her for having boundaries at such a young age. I wouldn't tolerate porn watching in a relationship, why should she just because they are young. We should not be normalising porn, it is exploitative to women and many female porn stars have committed suicide over the past few years.

Does it matter if you think most boys look it up? Your daughter may not agree with this and why would you try to make her think she's the one being ott? Maybe to her it's a deal breaker. Just because as you say most boys do it doesn't mean it's healthy. He's in a relationship with your dd and it's clear she has a certain expectation from her bf dont make her believe she should lower her standards. So many times we slate women for not setting the bar high enough and your reaction might be the reason why. Women telling women it's OK to allow their men to do as they please.

I would be encouraging your daughter to stick to her boundaries. She might be limiting her dating pool but so what? I wish my parents had encouraged me to be happy alone instead of excusing awful behaviour.

Good on her.

Are you her mum or dad?

You should be supportive of her and her boundaries

I'd be proud that she has boundaries and sticks to them. I'd also be reassuring her that she doesn't need to feel insecure by anything that appears in pornography.

It would be a deal breaker for me if a boyfriend, partner, or husband was habitually tugging himself off over porn, and that goes double if it was cam girls, Onlyfans, etc. I say good on your daughter, and maybe you could learn something from her? Her (now ex) BF sounds grim.

Good for her. I’d be cheering my dd if it was her. Your attitude is more worrying than hers.

This is a good thing

Your daughter obviously has standards

Why would you want any less?

I mean this kindly but what's it got to do with you?

She set down a boundary, he broke it, and she responded accordingly. It doesn't matter whether that would be a boundary for you or not. She's not you.

Tell her you're sorry it didn't work out and buy her some ice cream. Then stay out of it.

YABVVU. Well done on the young woman for having standards.

Good for her. She obviously doesn't get her standards from you.

Good for her. Many women are trafficked or it's posted against their consent so I wouldn't want to be with a porn user either.

She has decent standards and boundaries.

I posted on here because she came to me for advice and I wanted to get the perspective of others so I can support her and I wanted to make sure I'm balanced. Clearly others think differently to me so I'm glad I did because it means I can be more helpful to her and give her good messages. I'm not sure why some people feel the need to be so judgemental. When people have a conundrum it's good to get the perspectives of others but making it into a shaming exercise just puts me off tbh. Thanks for letting me know what you think though because it allows me to challenge my own beliefs and where they might stem from. Just don't want her to make a hasty decision that she might regret. I don't think the shaming is necessary but the alternative perspectives were helpful.

This!

I'd be super proud of her if she was my dd!

Good for her having standards and sticking to them. She doesn’t need to ask a group of random
strangers to validate her decisions.