To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

The decisions she makes now will cement how she responds in future relationships. If off the bat she is willing to cast someone off it they’ve crossed a personal boundary then I would be encouraging her to do that tbh

If my boyfriend looked at porn he'd be out immediately and I'd never look back. Ever. It should be a deal-breaker for every woman. You should encourage her to cancel the trip and end it with him immediately. Porn is that hill to die on.

Exactly

And this is your concern? No the fact that your dd started having sex at 15?

I don't think it's sad. Having violent, abusive, neglectful, ignorant, etc etc family friends or partners would be sad.

These people are none of those things.

Do you genuinely believe that every single male person I am close to in my life (family friends ex partners and husband) are all terrible people? I think it's sad to be so naive personally.

I think this is such an important message for everyone to be honest, whether it's about porn use or any other issue.

But the damage to the women exploited by the porn industry is the same regardless of whether a porn consumer is single or not, or whether both people in a couple get off to it. I mean, I utterly enjoyed cocaine the twice in my life I used it, now decades ago. But my private enjoyment contributed to a massively exploitative criminal industry, therefore I’ve never used it again.

Only when the creation of pornography is made safe for the most vulnerable involved should it come down to in what circumstances it’s acceptable to consume it.

She doesn’t need to feel threatened by porn, or by her partner masturbating.

Every woman should feel threatened by porn.

YABU she's setting firm boundaries for herself, that's a very good thing in a 17 year old! Encourage her to stick to her principles and support her in breaking up with him. If you reinforce the way she feels it will give her the confidence to keep her boundaries in place as she gets older and that is a very valuable asset to have as a young woman.

Be proud you've raised a strong young woman who has the confidence and self respect to bin a boy after such a red flag.

Well done to your DD for having boundaries and morals she’s willing to enforce.

Yes, this. Be proud that she has principles.

Like hell is smoking a personal choice that doesn’t affect me. You do realise that smoking makes the smoker’s clothes stink of smoke? And that bringing those clothes in the house makes it stink? I turned a carpet fitter away as he’d sat in his van and smoked before he knocked on the door. When he came in the porch the stink came with him. Like hell was he fitting my nursery carpet.

My DH knows how hostile I am to smoking. My DM ended up with secondary cancer on the lung -an unusual secondary for the primary cancer. Not so unexpected when she spent hours in a smoke filled school staff room. So yes, if he took up smoking in secret, that would be it.

Would that apply if he said its not acceptable for you to be close with any male friends?

She's free to continue, but he doesn't have to put up with it if it makes him uncomfortable? Surely that logic can be applied (and not always sensibly like my example) to anything and will always be slightly controlling as its asking the other person to modify their behaviour to suit your needs?

Sorry, have you used a screenshot showing the user stats that visit a website as proof that most men watch porn?

🤦‍♀️

It isn’t about control - it’s about ethics. There is nothing ethical about porn, prostitution, smoking or drugs.

I know! I'm really embarrassed for that poster tbh 😬

It's always surprising to me that posts insist all men use porn and all women should accept it?

Bizarre ...like an alternate universe where women have accepted it as inevitable. It does feel sad. I say this as someone who watched it with my ex husband.

The joy of finding a man who didn't need it and was fab in bed has probably influenced me

Exactly this!

Its not about porn or how many posters agree/disagree with it.

She has a boundary (no matter how silly some of us may think it is), which she told him about and he chose to cross it, knowing full well her feelings on it and the consequences.

She can choose to stick to her boundaries and end the relationship.
Or let him cross her boundaries and stay with him.

She’s choosing to stick by her boundaries, which is always a good thing.

She can break up with her boyfriend for any reason she likes.

You expressed certain view (watching porn is ok and normal) and posters expressed their attitude about your opinion. Certain opinions are really unpleasant/old fashioned/grim/ unacceptable/ misogynistic/sexist etc etc and this your view is one of them so it’s not surprising that people were “judgey” and “rude”. What did you want them to say? It’s not ok to think that watching porn is normal.
And usually it goes deeper than that so your DD probably just got the first red flag in her relationship but it certainly won’t be the last one. Going abroad for a week with someone who has different moral standards might be very challenging. So it’s a way better to stop relationship now if your Dd can’t trust her BF.

Good on her is what I say! No matter how nice the lad is, how decent, if he's into porn then he has a bad attitude towards women.

Your girl has set high standards and I hope she sticks to it over the years!

I absolutely hate any sort of porn, including Mills and Boon, Game of Thrones, etc. ANYTHING with vile sex scenes, I hate seeing them climb into each other's mouths and strip off so if I was dating someone and found out he's into porn, I'd dump him.

I can understand your DD’s feelings but she should be dumping him because he looks at porn full stop.

Hope you had your helmet ready posting anything like this on MN, bringing out the pearl clutching "do as I say I would do, but in reality unlikely I would" MN

I generally get to know people in my life, I think a lot of people do. If you have a average level of emotional intelligence you can tell a lot about people's attitudes to things without asking outright. And a good internal bullshit detector works too.