To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

Yes, it's baffling to me that adult women think that porn use is the same as their boyfriend looking at the body of a woman in the street or something -- that's it's a purely personal issue.

Pornography not only exploits and often damages the women involved in an often exploitative coercive industry with appalling and unsafe working conditions, but it contributes overwhelmingly to the idea that women's consent can be purchased, that treating women as sexual objects with no agency or right to their own pleasure is normal, and, possibly most concerningly, normalises increasingly violent and dangerous acts.

Every woman should be concerned about pornography. If you're fine with porn use by your partner, you are actively conniving in the increasingly violent and pornified world your daughter will have to live in.

I think your daughter is very sensible, and as a mother of daughters the consumption of porn by young men worries me enormously. It leads directly to these young men wanting/expecting their girlfriends to behave like porn "stars" in the bedroom and to tolerate a range of violent practices they see on porn, rough sex and strangulation being the most concerning.

This is a brilliant podcast and I strongly suggest you listen to it and send her the link.

Not a spoiler : I never knew about Hugh Hefner and Marilyn Monroe and it's disgusting.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/subject-to-power/id1649558183?i=1000614060897

Jesus, woman! Do you have any self-respect whatsoever? If you're fine with porn in your relationship then good for you, that's your right. Just like it's the right of any other woman to have boundaries and refuse to be in a relationship with a man who uses porn.

As long as there has been a discussion at some point about porn being a deal breaker then there is no excuse for the man using it. He had the option of choosing to bow out of the relationship and continue using porn, instead, he chose to do it in secret. That is one hell of a screaming red flag! Who wants to be with a lying cheating porn addict?

And for the record, I've been with my DH for 30 years and he'd be out on his ear in an instant if I found out he was using porn! Because we've had a discussion about it and he knows how I feel about and he had the option to CHOOSE to stay in the relationship and not use it.

My beliefs today - as an almost 50 year old, would be entirely different from when I was a teenager

nowadays, I wouldnt care, but as a teenager i would have been very upset

Leave it, momma bear, really you need to back off out of this situation

Unfortunately some women are brought up to accept and excuse men's behavior.

Because boys will be boys and you better learn to keep your mouth shut if you want to get and keep a man.

"Don't go making a fuss luv, don't you know what men are like.
They have sexual needs that women must facilitate even if they don't like it"...is the story being peddled.

That gets passed from mother to daughter.

There is an abstinence movement going on with young women, can’t really blame them with the prevalence of hardcore porn and all the harm that does to the psyche.

I’d be over the moon if that were my daughter.

There's something quite disturbing about a parent trying to lower their child's expectations and boundaries, as well as writing about their 17 year old daughter in this way online.

I don't think this is what it seems.

Sorry I am a but confused about how you differentiate between a boundary and controlling behaviour. For example if she said I don't won't you to hang out with your friend anemone or I will break up with you (or see your family)... what would you consider that?

Gail Dines is really fantastic, your daughter would also learn a lot from reading her book. You could buy her a copy of this excellent book to read to make up for backing out of the holiday going on holiday.

Exactly the point I made earlier too.

In my opinion a boundary is about your own behaviour and what you will and won't do, not controlling someone else's.

Starting to agree.

I think op is a man. I can't believe any decent mother would think this way about her own daughter. I can believe a father who watches porn would though.

I think if you don't accept it you can't have a relationship with a man, then. Which is fine of course.

Why is it always the rude 'pearl clutching' when there's disagreement?

I wouldn't date a man who watches porn. It's not about me trying to control others or extending my values to them, it's about me wanting a life partner whose values are compatible with mine.

Controlling

It’s also about what behaviour you will accept from others.

I wouldn’t say be friends with a murderer, that’s a boundary, I’m not stopping them from being a murderer but I’m saying I don’t be their friend. The choice to murder or not is there’s.

Same with smoking or doing crack cocaine or anything I don’t find fits with my morals

It’s not controlling to say you won’t be friends with / date someone who does something you are against.

MN will flock to your DDs offence here. Im With you OP however it is upto your daughter leave her too it she will have to learn!

It makes them feel better to think their other half having such a low view of women is perfectly fine and normal.

Sad really 😔

Are you a man, OP??
Most girls don’t probably watch porn in the same way men and teen boys do.

It's not controlling to dump someone for watching porn, when you've already told them you will do this. It's perfectly fine to make choices that are right for you, especially if you're young and don't have children together. You shouldn't force yourself to be in a relationship that makes you unhappy, and being with someone who watches porn rightly makes many people unhappy (myself and OP's daughter included).

It's not really a "boundary" either I guess, boundary is just the latest example of therapyspeech seeping into everyday language.

OP: well done got raising a young woman who knows her worth and is comfortable putting her values first.

There are two issues here.

A) porn, it's more easily viewed than at any time in history and I'm sure every 18 year old man in the country has looked at it

B) OPs DD asked her BF not to look at it, and he ignored her.

The rights and wrongs of porn are neither here nor there.

BF did something she asked him not to, because it upset her, and now she doesn't want to see him. I think that's understandable.

I’d be immensely proud of her and encourage her to get rid. Pornography is scourge on humanity. So I’d also tell her that insecurity shouldn’t be a reason for this dealbreaker, but rather self-respect and caring about human trafficking, drug abuse, the safety of women and girls. And generally the porn saturated culture heaping misery upon misery in a thousand and one ways.

She can do better. And you can want more for her.

You should be teaching her not to take any shit from.boys and that her boundaries are her boundaries and she is entitled to them. Not that having a boyfriend is the important thing. Good for your DD for having standards.

She has set her boundaries. BF crossed them. It’s not like she has a mortgage/kids with this guy, so she can easily leave him if she chooses.

Time to teach DD that sticking to boundaries she sets with men is a good thing, and time to stop excusing men who trample boundaries.

Might I add I do agree that if she feels betrayed/unhappy then of course she is more than right to end the relationship.

I do think what OP is asking is that she may need to be aware that she may meet lots of men she falls for who watch porn, so if this is her hill to die on then just be aware of that? (And that's also fine of course)