To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

Yeah she’s overreacting and out of order for checking his history. This is controlling behaviour and if it was the other way around the posts here would be very different. He has the right to watch what he wants as an adult once it’s legal content. She will be hard pushed to find a boyfriend who doesn’t watch porn.

Like it or not porn is part of life, DH was given access to porn when we were in the IVF clinic and when we had couples therapy, we were encouraged to watch porn. Of course I agree it should be better regulated and ethical etc.

Wow, I would be so proud of a child of mine realising what a disgusting, sexually exploiting and vile thing porn is, and sticking to their boundaries.

If more females (men too but I doubt they would dream of it) took such a stand then perhaps people would see it for the hideous thing it is.

I think the reason some posts are rightly (sorry) shitty is because you appear to not be very supportive of your own daughter.

She is perfectly entitled for this to be a deal breaker. And you are totally wrong to be querying that.

However I'm shocked at how judgey and rude some posters are. Isn't this a forum for advice?

The judgement is because you may not have intended it that way but in your first post it sounded like you were telling her it was wrong to split up over porn and that she was being irrational.

Agreed. Well done her.

I would be very proud to have a daughter like this. I’m proud of my DS2 (16) who has no interest in alcohol. Unless something changes in the next couple of years he’ll be off to uni as a teetotaller. No doubt many will think him weird, but he’s got a principled opposition to it as well as all drugs. I have a principled opposition to drugs as well, but DH and I do drink.

I won’t be advising DS to have the occasional beer - why should I? He’s set his standard at none, and I respect that.

Yeah it’s strange, poor OP. Mumsnet isn’t the best place for sex advice though, especially porn. It’s quite an older fashioned bunch on here. Great for most things I would say but not for sex/ porn.

You/she said “because it makes her feel insecure”. That’s a whole different issue to boundaries and sexploitation.

I'm always shocked when grown women are shocked by porn. I can't believe any men don't look at it.

Except blind men ofc

I would be really surprised to find out my son in law or husband actively sought porn now. Possibly when younger in the way that young boys might.

No one can say for sure but their general respect for women would make me doubt it

How old-fashioned to think the exploitation of women and the normalisation of violent anal is more important than whether Colin from Guildford gets his rocks away without having bother about RL stuff like his partner’s pleasure.

“My daughter does have strong principles as she has been brought up with them, including that porn is exploitative and has negative messages RE females”

So you said this but you’re showing something else.

You remind me of Groucho Marx, OP: “Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.” You're straddling the fence. Get over to your daughter’s side.

Stick to the principles you taught her, butt out, let her make the decisions she ‘might regret’. If I didn’t listen to my mother, I’d have made the decisions she said I’d regret and I’d have had, undeniably, a much happier past decade. I listened to her. The courage of my own convictions got lost in the noise of my mother’s support of my ex’s abhorrent porn habits.

“At least he doesn’t beat you,” is the redundant mentality you’re heading towards being a card carrying member of. Back your daughter, unquestioningly and with sincerity. Because her boyfriend isn’t.

I wonder if... op is a man, the dad, who uses porn but suppresses his guilt about it as he knows its exploitative. But his dd rightfully is principled against it, forcing him to examine his own use of it, so he's trying to get mumsnet to validate his choices to relieve his conscience.

Am I close?

I think her views on porn are OTT and it’s wrong that she searched through his internet history.

But she has a boundary, which she explicitly told him about and he crossed it.

I say good for her for knowing when to not put up with something she’s uncomfortable with.

This is something you should be encouraging.

It’s not about the porn, it’s about her not willing to allow a man to cross her boundaries.

It might be that many of us are not shocked by it - we’re just not accepting it.

I’m not shocked that people smoke - but if my partner knew my views on smoking and went ahead and smoked in private, and I found out, I’d dump him too.

According to this https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-do-men-and-womens-porn-site-searches-differ/
it’s a lot and women too.

I understand what you’re saying and I agree it isn’t ‘cheating’. And she will probably struggle to find any boyfriend who doesn’t occasionally view porn.

However, it’s up to her to decide on her own boundaries and you really shouldn’t be getting involved. She’s entitled to have this as a boundary if she wants and she doesn’t have to move that boundary just because you would set a different one in her position.

Also, she’s 17. It’s normal for relationships to come and go at that age. And it’s fine at any age to end a relationship you’re not happy with, for any reason.

Good on her for ridding herself of her porn addict boyfriend. If I was you I'd be proud of her.

Actually, Loon, I think porn is old-fashioned in the same way that wolf whistling is. im old, but porn was more prevalent in my youth. Daily papers had soft porn and naked women in them as routine. Nowadays porn has become more hardcore, and users more desensitised to how dysfunctional this is

Oh, you can get audio-described porn.

She’s 17. If ever there’s a point to have principles and walk away it’s 17.

Amen to this.

I’m shocked by the existence of adult women who appear to think it’s some understandable, victimless little habit, like nosepicking.

WTAF?😱

Can you? That’s really interesting. I’m not even going to ask how you know this…

But how did they get that way?