To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

I think there are a lot of women projecting their own insecurities here, acting very puritanical.

I remember having similar strong feelings about a boyfriend doing same when I was a teenager but my feelings about it have mellowed since.

true a lot of men don’t watch porn, but the majority will have at some point viewed it. Women also view porn and it’s not that uncommon. Most people do not consider it an act of infidelity.

i happen to think this is something she could forgive him for if she likes him, but down to her to work out if the relationship is worth salvaging.

I’m suprised anyone manages to maintain a relationship, if they’d dump their boyfriends over this. And for the record, I don’t like porn or agree with what it stands for.

As a teenage boy...Kay's catalogue was an interesting discovery.
And no digital footprint back then.

People with sensible, pragmatic perspectives like @Missymoo100 make me want to greatly reduce my porn consumption so I can compromise and meet in the middle.

@Missymoo100 - do you think it is a good thing that young men are seeing content that gives them a very unrealistic view of what the female body should look like, and teaches them that every woman will do anal sex or that extreme, dangerous practices such as choking are a normal part of sex? As a previous poster has said, if you are watching the most mild porn, the more extreme stuff is only a click or two away, and I am sure that young men are learning from everything they watch.

If I had a daughter, I would not want her being pressured to accept anal sex or choking. I would want her to have sex with men who respected her, and didn't just see her as a sex toy for their use.

And regardless of your views or mine on porn, I would not want any woman having sex with anyone who thought it was OK to transgress HER boundaries (whether we agree with those boundaries or not) - which is what the OP's dd is facing. She has a boundary, which she is completely entitled to hold, and wants a sexual partner who will respect that. If she accepted him transgressing that boundary, what is going to happen to any other boundaries she may have? Will he feel it's OK for him to ignore those too?

I would dump over it, watching porn is a hard no for me

Don’t put words in my mouth. No I don’t think it’s a good thing - have I said such a thing? I’ve never said any of those things are ok. I also said I don’t agree with porn. But that said I don’t know if it’s entirely realistic to think most men haven’t looked at some point. I’m not sure if ending the relationship is proportionate to the supposed “crime”- but each to their own.
It also doesn’t mean because he has looked, that it will lead to any of the aforementioned things, no such thing has been suggested by the op and you are drawing vast sweeping conclusions here.

If I had a daughter, I would not want her being pressured to accept anal sex or choking. I would want her to have sex with men who respected her, and didn't just see her as a sex toy for their use.

like where did this come from, wtf?? He hasn’t done any of those things so let’s not jump ahead of ourselves

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius do you think it is a good thing that young men are seeing content that gives them a very unrealistic view of what the female body should look like, and teaches them that every woman will do anal sex or that extreme, dangerous practices such as choking are a normal part of sex?

That depends on what the men are watching, and what they are aroused by. If young men are watching videos of two women kissing and cuddling (for example), then there is nothing in that video that would instill an idea of rough sex or choking into a man's mind. There are plenty of men who are not aroused by videos of choking or rough sex, and will not search for those videos.

If a young man seeks out videos of extreme, dangerous sex practices, then to me that would suggest there is something wrong with that man to begin with, before he watched the video. Is there any evidence that it's the videos that are changing the sexual preferences of men?

As for choking, I imagine it's shite like 50 Shades of Grey that has done far more to normalise that. Most men are not idiots and know the videos they see online are videos of actors. However, when young men see a bunch of women reading a book about BDSM, then some (very stupid and very naive) young men will get the idea in their head that women secretly love pain.

Are there societal harms by pornography- yes I believe so... Does that mean this teenage boy on an individualistic level is beyond all redemption or what he has done is so heinous he cannot be forgiven?.. I think not. He just done what many of his peers will be doing, what’s relatively normal for boys his age (even if we disagree ) I dont think he’s done anything so hugely wrong that she needs to dump him, but that’s just my opinion, but she needs to figure it out for herself.
It’s also not a direct crossing of her boundary, it’s something he has done alone in private, I suspect it’s more about trust/infidentility issue than boundary crossing I would guess.

Fair point, @Missymoo100.