To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

Haunt them how? Because you'll judge them for it? Why and who cares what you think anyway?

Filling the gaps 'by themselves' using memory or fantasy is not the same as using porn as a way to assist in the solo sex act.

@OptimismvsRealism "Why do you deny the capacity of the thousands of women who choose to act in pornography?"

I don't. Why do you deny the fact that thousands of others don't have that capacity through coercion, drug use and other forms of exploitation?

Sorry maybe I'm not being clear enough, I'll try and reword it - he literally cannot use his phone for anything other than work and calls/ whatsapp.

Laughing because I just can't picture him going into a shop that still sells them and squirreling them away somewhere. It's just not his style. How much are they now, a fiver? Think he'd rather buy a fivers worth of Galaxy choc tbh.

And yea I guess it was the only way for some men to get to see a naked female body. Ever. I can absolutely believe that. I've assumed you didn't actually mean that it was the only way 'we' could know what a woman's body looked like, even though that's what you said, because that would be an absolutely ridiculous statement to make.

You are undermining her feelings by telling her everyone looks at porn (they don't )and if she doesn't like it is up to her to decide if she can put up with a boyfriend that gets his kicks from watching others have sex. She knows what she will accept in a relationship.

Too young to be stuck in a relationship these days

I'd be very proud of her if I were you!!!

The op said her dd doesn't like porn because she is insecure. I'd be disappointed that I had an insecure dd tbh rather than proud.
Yes great have boundaries but confidence is surely a priority too.

Firstly, all men do not look at porn.

Secondly, even if they did and that rendered her alone for the rest of her life-why is that a bad thing?

Do you think that people should just drop their standards to the Earth's core just to avoid being alone?

OP-you should be proud of your DD for having boundaries and sticking to them, not trying to shame her for them and scare her out of them. I hate this mentality. "Oh, a lot of men watch porn/do x, y and z, so you might as well drop your standards and accept it now!"

No, your daughter has a set a healthy boundary for herself, he crossed it and she stuck to her boundary. That's something to be proud of. So many people put up with people, sidestepping and crossing their boundaries for fear of being alone.

Your DD can have whatever boundary she wants and you should be supporting her, not challenging her to rethink. No wonder so many people struggle with boundaries when people question and challenge them for having them.

More than one thing can be true at the same time, you know.

Just because she doesn't like it because she is "insecure" (and by the way-this is what people commonly accuse women who don't like porn of being to undermine them) doesn't make her boundary less valid than if it was for ethical reasons.

You'd be "disappointed" that you had an insecure DD? Seriously? What a funny way to word that. Insecurity isn't a moral failing, you know. It's pretty normal for a teenager.

Regardless of her reasons for her boundary, she's allowed to have it and implement it in her relationship. Even if it's entirely because it makes her feel insecure, she's allowed to have that boundary and OP should be proud of her for it and not challenging it.

It's the value we place on human life, you mean.

Human life doesn't intrinsically contain more value than an animal's life. We all just think it does on account of the fact that we're human and most animals (of which we are an animal) will prioritise other members of their own species above that of other species.

That does not mean that humans are more valuable to the planet than other animals by any other metric that is not rooted in our own biases towards our own species.

@Janiie - holding her boundary with her boyfriend takes courage and confidence.

It takes courage to set and stick to your boundaries. It does nothing for your confidence when others you trust are suggesting you are wrong.

The OP's understanding of what lies behind her daughter's refusal to play nice and accept her boyfriend's unacceptable choices is fundamentally flawed.

There's at least one pro porn name that's familiar to me from past threads on MN.

She sounds strong and as though she knows her own self worth. Far better to be alone than tolerate a liar. Well done indeed to that young woman.

As the harms of porn have been proven over the past couple of decades more women are dumping pornsick men.

It leads to ED even in young men once all the horrific rabbitholes of violent abusive and illegal activity are exhausted.

All porn addicted men travel down these violent and abusive holes because they can't get the dopamine hit from basic porn within a short time. It's just how the brain works. And abusive porn is two clicks away from average porn.

It's been well documented for years that pornheads enjoy much more degrading and violent sex than those who only occasionally or never use porn.

He's already lying to her. This indicates he's unwilling to control his wants and feels entitlement. It doesn't augur well for their future at all.

Good for her.

There are so many depressing assumptions about women who don't like porn. The OP's daughter is "insecure". I am old, fat and ugly. Others are prudes who are horrified at the concept of masturbation.

The idea that we might have self worth and object to the exploitation of other women is beyond comprehension. The porn industry really has done a number on society, both men and women, hasn't it?

Posted too soon. And the idea that porn is essential for masturbation has really become entrenched. Lots of money being made by a few people. As usual.

Oops-I think this is on the wrong porn thread. Applies to this one too, though!

This is exactly what I was trying to say, @Thegreatprocrastinator001 - but far less articulately than @honestyISkind.

It's literally provided by the NHS to men attending fertility clinics.

There are so many depressing assumptions about women who don't like porn. The OP's daughter is "insecure".'

'but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure'

It's there in the op no 'assumptions' made.

Viewing adult content should be a private matter. The op's dd shouldn't be viewing histories as that is intrusive. If she doesn't approve then fine, move on and find someone else. It should not be a drama.

And...? The NHS also asks for a person's gender instead of their sex, calls women menstruators and birthing parents, says women chestfeed and up until recently was prescribing puberty blockers to children who didn't conform to gender stereotypes.

That doesn't prove it's essential though does it? It just proves that some IVF clinics waste money on actual wankers.

Tbh has everyone has smartphones I doubt ivf clinics are providing anyone with jazz mags anymore.

Adult content has been around for ever. The point is if one person in a relationship has strong objections the other should respect that. The only problem is controlling attitudes tend to just make people lie and hide their actions.