To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

Your bar is so so low, I'm glad to see that your DD has set strong standards for herself.

She's going to be on her own for the rest of her life because guess what - All men look at Porn .

She sounds so great OP - well done in raising such a confident sensible young woman!

This! Over and over.

Please support her entirely and congratulate her for setting boundaries.

YABU good on her for maintaining her boundaries.

The issue is not just the porn, it's that he knew how she felt and was not honest with her. It doesn't sound to me like she is making a hasty decision, quite the opposite. If she feels like she can't trust him, the relationship has no future anyway.

They really do not 😂This is misandry.

Now that women are often economically independent, many are choosing to remain single. I'm glad women now have more choice than to put up with the consistently terrible behaviour of a lot of men.

Clever girl. All power to her.

So she came to you and asked, I assume, if she was doing the right thing. And you said what? Let me check with others?

In your shoes, I’d be delighted I’d raised a young woman with clear standards and boundaries. Porn isn’t a ‘victimless’ situation. Leaving aside issues such as coercion, trafficking and conditions in the ‘industry’, it has an appalling impact on women whose partners consume it. Some horrifyingly high percentage in a post-Covid survey on young people’s sexuality here thought choking was ‘normal’.

All men? Don't talk utter ballbags 🙄

Every man I've ever known - that includes my dad and brothers, every boyfriend (from different backgrounds and social classes, areas and cultural backgrounds) and every male friend (including gay males) ALL looked at porn in some way shape or form.

The family members I know because I was a nosy kid and would find magazines or vhs tapes shoved under their beds.

These are all people of wildly different personality types so I don't understand how people don't think the majority of men have or do look at pornography in some way. I am so curious why they think that and how they could prove it?

good for her for sticking to her standards

DH and DS not only don't look at porn but they are utterly scathing and ridicule anyone they know that does. Porn Hub is the most watched TV channel in the US and 79% of users are men, obviously a lot of them watch it but certainly not 'all' or 'most'. The ones I know are horrified by the industry and exploitation of women.

She possibly has higher standards than you OP, you should be proud of her.

No, I said that sounds really horrible, especially as you had had a discussion about it. Take time to think though before you make a decision and we can talk more later. I then felt I should get more perspective on it be cause she was clearly upset but I didn't K ow if she had overthought the whole thing. I wants to get others views because I was in two minds. My daughter does have strong principles as she has been brought up with them, inclusing that porn is exploitative and has negative messages RE females. I'm really glad I sought the advice of others bc in our society porn is trivialised. However I'm shocked at how judgey and rude some posters are. Isn't this a forum for advice? Which Ive found helpful

You ought to be supporting her decision not undermining it. She’s absolutely right

The family members I know because I was a nosy kid and would find magazines or vhs tapes shoved under their beds.

Magazines with naked and sexualised women objectify women for men's pleasure. But looking at them is not in the same league as voyeuristically looking at people actually engaging in sexual acts, on video, and especially not when those videos typically involve acts of violence. (https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/sep/27/online-pornography-breaks-french-law-equality-watchdog-france)

She has a boundary that's right for her. It should be applauded not undermined.

Well, I think some of the responses on here are a bit naive and immature. What offends her about the porn? What is the porn like? Is there a red flag in there? Is it excessive use, every day, can’t orgasm without etc?
loads of questions need to be considered as to whether or not it is something that should concern her. He is allowed to have his own life and do what he wants too. It’s why she is dictating what he does in private that is worrying and why is she doing that unless it’s affecting their sex life together etc?
if it’s that she feels it’s exploitative etc. then she needs to decide whether her not using porn is enough or she needs to dictate how others she knows behave etc. or is it just if she’s in a relationship with that person that she wants to control porn use and how far her values need to spread into others lives.

Good for your DD!

I don't know why posters are being so rude to you, OP. You have been very gracious in reply and I quite see why you wanted to get the perspectives of others. That's what mumsnet is for and it's not the kind of thing you can ask your friends.
I would agree that your DD is right to assert her own boundaries. I also wonder if she was going off him anyway? Either way, you should definitely support her in splitting up with him, if that's what she wants.

Telling other people they can’t do something and then invading their privacy is not something to be applauded.

I'm curious how you think you can prove the majority of men watch it?