To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

This is worrying, so if you were married with children and this happened you would dump your partner over a personal choice that doesn’t effect you? Get a grip.

The controlling behaviour on here is worrying. It’s not normal and I hope OP realises this is not reality, it’s not my reality anyway. I don’t know anyone in all of my healthy circle of friends who control their boyfriends/ husbands to this degree. If it was a man controlling a woman it would be considered abuse.

This.
Boundaries are critical for healthy relationships.
She was clear on hers.
Finishing with him is completely her choice to make.

Lol at that presented as evidence that men all watch porn.

So we asked people using a porn site if they watched porn.....

What’s getting lost here is that DD doesn’t feel good about herself because her boyfriend is choking the bishop to other women. FFS people she’s 17! Remember how insecure we feel at 17, at any age really? He’s likely her first boyfriend. A lot of her firsts have been shared with him;
big important stuff that matters so much at 17.
Collective amnesia and middle aged who-gives-a-fuck jadedness has warped posters’ support for the daughter here. But nah, let’s give the Young Cock all the sympathy.
Give me strength.

Well I agree with you OP and she will be hard pushed to find a guy of her age who doesn’t watch some porn. That said if that’s her boundary then fine, I’d encourage her to stick with her decision.

Boundaries is not about control. I'd also dump husband if he smoked. My boundary is not living with a smoker. He can smoke if he chooses. That's not controlling him

There was a recent woman's hour special on porn and relationship and broadly the view was it had been damaging to relationships and led to women feeling obligated to engage in sex acts beyond what they were comfortable with doing in order to match what the partner was watching in porn

The other angle that came up was the secrecy and time spent watching porn that could have been spent as a couple together. An extreme example but there was one women who's partner repeatedly bought secret laptops to watch porn on. Another woman who was disappointed that her husband would rather spend his retirement watching porn alone and as a result she was left going out on her own or with friends.

It might be worth a listen to see how watching a little bit of porn which could very well could be part of a healthy sex life can escalate into something damaging.

There has also been studies that show that many porn sites algorithms are selecting more extreme videos for new users without them explicitly setting out to searching for such pornography

Me too. I'd be really pleased this child (she IS still a child) has boundaries.

😀

I can't prove the majority of men watch it. But in My life experience a lot do and have told me that so no proof needed.

When I ask how can someone prove their husband partner son doesn't, I am curious; do you just take their word for it? Is it a conversation you have with them? Do they say they never have or don't now because they know it is degrading to women? But what if they just say they don't? How would you know?

You should be so proud of her. Many women will accept these things when younger and want to be cool girlfriends and it's only when we get older we develop stronger standards. She sounds ace.

Stating your boundaries on things like porn isn't control or abuse. He's free to carry on, she just isn't willing to put up with it.

I discussed it with partner when we were dating in much the same way we discussed other compatibilities. Did he lie? If he felt like all the partners of people on here who do use porn why would he?

Why is it so hard to believe people don't need porn to have great sex lives?

My ex husband used porn and was dreadful in bed.

Is it me?

You seem to think one thing and do/question the other

You either think it's wrong and support her or you don't

I think its not totally relevant that its porn. She said "please don't do that" He said "I won't" and then he did. It could have been smoking pot, racist talk, gambling....pretty much anything a person might have strong feelings about, the point is he lied to her about it. I couldn't be close with a liar and can understand why she won't either.

Fairly normal to have a boyfriend at 15, which the daughter would have been when the relationship started. It’s also pretty normal for teenage boys to watch porn, unfortunately.

You either trust them until they prove otherwise or you don't

I once said to my ex, “You can’t raise a girl to be a confident woman if this is how you view them.” I learned about his porn addiction and child abuse all in one period and it was beyond awful. There’s no shock absorption for that.

Those who watch torture porn like my ex- and hopefully this is a small minority of porn viewers- aren’t fit to marry/be with women or raise children. And porn viewing can escalate to some heinous shit. Not always. It would be absolutely unfair of me to tar all viewers with my ex’s brush. But I have an issue with all porn viewers, if I’m honest. I won’t have another relationship for this reason. Those are my principles and I feel better sticking to what works for me and for my daughter, who was abused by her own porn viewing father- a former clinician and NHS safeguard lead. He’s in prison now.

How sad for you that you only have men who look at porn in your life.

It’s your blasé attitude to porn and your dismissive attitude towards your daughter having an Issue with it, is why you’re getting negative responses op@Thegreatprocrastinator001

I don’t understand how society has managed to brainwash people into believing it’s normal for a man to look at women that aren’t their partners and wank over them. The patriarchy really brainwashed us and some women now take up the mantle and call it normal. Craziness

What is wrong with you that you are looking for excuses for porn? Are you some type of coolgirl handmaiden? No, not every man does that, and it DOES NOT EXCUSE IT. It's sad that your daughter is more of a feminist and has more morals and principles than her own mother.

This is where I think the subject is more nuanced than that.

It's not always about porn effecting sex lives negatively or positively.

Of course we all agree porn needs to be more ethical, regulated and thanks to the Internet has evolved.

But what about single people who enjoy watching pornography? Or using it in the same way some people use sex toys and aids.

I'm not talking about porn addicts, but it is not as black and white as not needing it to have a good sex life. The 2 issues are not mutually exclusive.

But I digress.

People are right that she can have any boundary she wants. People are also right that most men look at porn - teenage boys especially, though many grow out of it a bit.

But I have to disagree with all the people saying she’s confident. In girls this age it’s usually at least in part about their own insecurities.

If she’s asked you for advice OP, it wouldn’t hurt to discuss her feelings, while validating her right to have boundaries. She doesn’t need to feel threatened by porn, or by her partner masturbating.

I know dh has watched porn in the past. We did together. He claims he doesn’t watch it now. My options are to believe him or don’t. The fact we have watched it together would
lead me to the side of trusting his answer as he has no reason to hide it.

So yes he could be.. would have to be at work mind, can’t even pee in this house without a child coming wanting something and he goes to bed as soon as I do, no I don’t force him I tell him to stay and watch his shows but he won’t.

So I’d say yes every man had watched porn but not every man watches porn. You can go off things.