Husband is demanding money

[DaisyChainsandSunnyDays]

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

He sounds awful.

Do you have a timeline for leaving? You may need to forget the term time only job and go for something with more hours/money to make life work financially alone. He certainly won't pay for things once you are separated.

Thing is op even with marriage you’re not just entitled to his earnings, and as awful as he is, you’re not entitled to make him pay for your car, the roof over your head, the food in your belly etc.

I think the problem is you can’t claim your savings are “yours” if you’re expecting to share “his”. You’re married, so it is all ultimately joint/asset, your 3k isn’t truly yours just like his savings aren’t truly his, if you split it all gets put in a pot to split. What was the agreement on paying for cars? If you’ve both agreed that he pays all household and you pay for your own car out of your money then yes you’re unreasonable, but you should have joint access to all money in an ideal world

But her husband is entitled to all the unpaid labour she does? OP looking after house and DC enables him to work in the job he does.

Can never understand the mentality of a spouse earning so much more than the other but happily watching the smaller earner struggle. Esp where kids are involved. It's a disgusting mentality to have and so unattractive. I hope you leave him soon and are happier x

And he’s not entitled to her doing all the childcare while he’s at work, but she does it anyway.

He sounds awful. We share all money via joint accounts and have always done so. He earns less than me and, as I'm the only one who ever checks our accounts, I do quiz him sometimes over the odd unfamiliar payment. That's all. I couldn't live like you do.

Either he needs to see all the money as joint, which legally it is, or you probably need to split up.

Sure, but I’m fairly sure she wishes to, but if she doesn’t she can easily say she’s not doing it, as as you said he’s not entitled.

Do you think he sounds like the sort of man who would say ‘of course darling, I’ll pay for extra childcare while you go out and progress your career?’.

Of course he’s not but nowhere has OP said he pushed this decision on her and she has said he pays all household expenses and puts money aside for savings. Those savings aren’t “hers” and she’s not able to demand he pays for repairs for her car.

Or ‘yes I’ll step up and do the childcare/admin/housework while you’re at work’?

Time to ltb and get half of everything he has stashed. .

Are you the husband?

This is complicated by the fact that not all your children are his. Otherwise the ethics of sharing given the cost to you of having his children would be clear.

given his attitude and especially because you are planning to leave, you need to work full-time. He should be contributing to childcare costs and doing his share of the tasks. You need to be thinking about your long-term
earning potential.

The reality is that he can’t really have it both ways. If he wants you to cover all the child responsibility, that means he has to pay for things like your car. He should understand that automatically. That he doesn’t means you can’t trust him at all which is all the more reason you need to work more.

This is obviously financial abuse. Have you been in contact with a domestic abuse organisation?

Keep your savings hidden and gather as much financial information as you can get: wages, savings, pension, investment, mortgage etc Get legal advice from a family lawyer. You may even need a forensic accountant as he's probably hiding money away.

it's a family and should be a financial unit too. Not his and hers.

Yes she is. As he'll find out when she divorces him and takes at least 50%.

He should pay. Dh chose the expensive car because he likes them.

Child from previous marriage is irrelevant. You are family and everything should be one pot a d shared. Especially as you do all the adhoc work.

I don't understand men like this.

Of course it SHOULD be and that’s how my family organise our finances, but it’s clear from the OP that their family deal differently in that he pays all household expenses and she pays other things which includes her car. Neither is “wrong” but every household manages their finances differently and that’s okay. At the point it’s “not his and hers” then her savings should pay for the car as much as his should, as you say, it’s not “his and hers”

He’s not demanding money from you, he quite reasonably asked you to pay for repairs to your car.

You are married so marital assets and all that. But you don’t pool incomes and don’t even have a proper joint account. He takes care of bills, the mortgage, helps buy your car and you are each financially independent from that point on.

He offered to pay £200 of the repair bill and asked you for the other £500. You probably did sound a bit entitled just saying no as it is outside the norm in your relationship for him to pay your personal expenses.

Is send him a bill for his split of all the 'childcare' hours 'cleaning' hours etc you do and tell him to take it off what you're owed the last however many years you've had kids

Divorce him and take the 50% you’re entitled to. You’ll be better off in every way, and won’t have to live with a cunt. Win win.

Yes, yes I am, what a clever response. Well done you. 🙄

I mean… he’s paying for all household bills and food shopping, so he already is “paying” for those things. We also don’t know if OP chose to work less?

They have 3 children including one with disabilities. I don't know anyone who manages a full time job under such circumstances esp with a husband who doesn't lift a finger and only contributes financially.