Husband is demanding money

[DaisyChainsandSunnyDays]

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

OP, you will need much more than 3k of your savings if you want to get divorced. legal loans are ££££ and family loans can be seen as soft loans and possibly no be re paid from the final pot. If he fights you all the way, which he probably will, your legal fees will escalate. Plus, like like my ex, he may withdraw any financial support at all, be prepared for this. I had to fund legal fees, tens of thousands, and all living costs for me and my DC before the divorce went through.

The relief I've got rid of him is immense, I'm much better off financially too now, even though I'm still fighting for child maintenance.
Go for a clean break too.

@Doodar Tens of thousands ? How can I possibly fund this, no family can lend me money.

@DaisyChainsandSunnyDays I think the advice may get in helpful now . You need to call women’s aid they will let you know if legal aid is available for someone in your position .
Go and get proper advice instead of not doing anything as you are worried.

The other stuff everyone here can help with .
moral support or help topping up income or . Child support and UC advice .

For your divorce speak to women’s aid then a solicitor . Let women’s aid know it’s financial abuse .

@Imbusytodaysorry I have spoken to solicitor, they have advised me I will be entitled to more than 50% assets , as for costs they said it all depends to H and how he behaves. I was just freaked out by tens of thousands quoted above

Anyway I am thinking we can always separate first?? I don't need to rush with divorce...or should I before he spends / hides everything

This is great advice ☝and I think/know you will feel much better when you 'reach out' and get some straight up advice from Women's Aid or similar.
It's scary to make the step I know (I was in an abusive relationship for years too) but once you make it you will feel like you are taking back your power and your life will begin to improve.
I'm so glad i took the step all those years ago.
Don't wait a second longer than you have to .

Here's to a bright future!

(Ps. Hope you'll keep us updated 😊)

I think as they say get your ducks in a row. .
Get all you need asap .
Once you’re organised your solicitor can send the divorce notice.

Women’s aid won’t push you to do anything but this is their job and they will keep you right. Give you strength that you are doing it correctly.

If you separate even though you are living together . You can claim for any help as a single person.
move seen mentioned on here alot the “entitled to” calculator online.
This lets you know your financial position on your circumstances and you can also apply for child support .

I think it’s in your best interests to get on with things tbh. Rip the plaster off .
Just keep everything to yourself until you have secured yourself.

Oh I am also sure the lawyers when sorting divorce will ask for his bank statements based on the date you separated .
So you could tell your lawyer that and apply for UC if applicable on the same day.

No wonder so many men are reluctant to get married these days.

Put in £5k, leave with >50%.

And no, not a misogynist, before someone pipes up.

not a misogynist, SURE! just another person that doesn't see worth of my non monetary contribution over last 10+ years

Yep, 50% of what he earned while his partner was doing years and years of unpaid labour in order to allow him to progress in his career unhindered…. 🙄

My divorce cost £10k.

I was a stay at home mum the whole time so put in no money once the babies came along.

He's had to give me a lump sum, a huge chunk of his pension and I'm getting more than half the house.

The kids are all adults.

Unfortunately his behaviour counted for nothing other than I made him agree to more than half due to being the only way he could show contrition but a judge had to agree it.

You can do this but you need to see a solicitor urgently and without him knowing of course.

Thank you @BirthdayRainbow
How did you finance this? Did you save up before leaving? Please PM me if you don't feel comfortable sharing here.

You ARE a misogynist. You believe women's labour should be free, and only the husband's work counts. That's very firmly on the misogyny side of the court.

Why do you only see £££££ signs. There is a massive amount more put into a marriage and raising children than physical cash. If a woman holds back her career to give birth and raise a couple’s children and this is a joint decision then she deserves to be financially compensated for this. She has given up her opportunity to earn money and have an established career in the same way her husband has. Can you not possibly see that??

I used savings and then a bit of what he gave me. He had put some money in my name which I knew nothing about so when I got that I used that money. Solicitors bill you as you go along so it isn't all in one go. HTH.

@BirthdayRainbow thank you!!!

It’s called the share for the children .

The man could Alway take the childcare on and do all the work that goes with kids . He can take the hit on his career and social life

Eh no he won’t . So there you have it why men end up with less.

You don’t create a family and the kids suffer because you still want your life to be the safe a sit was before you got married and especially after having children .

I’m married with children, I understand the dynamics, and what goes in to maintaining a household.

I also understand the importance of not becoming financial dependent on my husband, and expecting him to pick up the tab for everything. Surely it’s not beyond the realm of possibility to see that will likely only end up breeding resentment?

OP has savings to cover the cost of a bill associated with her car, and should pay it out of that instead of expecting him to.

I also wouldn’t expect to leave with a greater share than 50% during a split.

Its not MY car lovely, its in my DH name

How would you stay financially independent if you didn't have childcare options to work full time?

This doesn’t sound like a true partnership. Just sounds like you are his help.

They are married - assets are therefore jointly owned. He is not “putting a roof over her head”. They are both contributing labour to the marriage.

Serious question why did you marry / want to stay married to this man?

There are men who want to be fathers and husbands and men who want wives and children. Your husband sounds like the latter. You have my sympathy.

Yes it is financial abuse that she is not allowed to access his savings, know how much he earns and he is not entering into this marriage as a true partnership. She should leave.

She has not put in 5k. She has put in a tonne of emotional and domestic labour that enables him to do the work he does.

Men who think a relationship contribution is just money absolutely should not be getting married. And you may claim not to be a misogynist but you really do sound like one.

Well you not expect to leave with more than 50% because you are a misogynist.

Her unpaid labour has helped build his career and earning capacity while permanently hindering hers. She is also likely to continue to be the resident carer so >50% is imminently sensible.