Husband is demanding money

[DaisyChainsandSunnyDays]

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

thats helpful to know, thank you

He chose your car, it's in his name. Tell him it's all his and get your own. If you need a car

I hope you get shot of him soon. He sounds like a reet knob and there are some very strange people on this thread who think financial abuse is ok

AH, he's one of THOSE men.

I think he is financially abusive and you are very very sensible to leave him. What a wanker. You deserve better Best of luck op xxxx

Op, when a woman is with one of these kind of men, she is ALWAYS better off alone than with him, both financially and otherwise. Always .He will never have your back. You will never be safe financially. You will never be "protected" finacially. You will ALWAYS be vulnerable, unless you take measures to financially protect yourself.

Try to access his tax return if possible. CSA payments should be about £1400+ on his income plus you would get child benefit, tax credits and help with childcare. I would honestly leave ASAP.

He should have a lot more savings than 35k if he's on that sort of money or he's having a very good time! Or you have a massive mortgage.

Regardless, I'd be off. Better to be poor than unhappy.

I don't understand men like him. Does he actually even like you? It sounds like he actually wanted a servant/child bearer rather than a partner/wife. Anyway, you and the kids will be much better off without him. Leave, and don't look back.

His savings aren't very big compared to his earnings even if you take into account that he earns more (but is higher rate tax). Unless you have a big mortgage then I would guess he has a decent whack in his pension if you are looking to leave.

To be fair though if you are paying a lease on the care aren't the car expenses included? If not wad the agreement that you would cover outgoings for the car if he covers everything he is. If so then YABU if not then YANBU.

He has full transparency of her fiances. She earns £12,500k

He KNOWS what she can afford and can't afford.

The relationship has a hierachy where the OP is not her husbands equal. He has all the power. She can't afford to do x, y or z unless he authorises it. Including leaving him.

In this situation, an escape fund is a wise idea. Because its not actually about money, its about the imbalance of power in the relationship and because he is using money to control and demand the OP, especially in situations he knows she can't.

The husband isn't placing a value on the labour the OP provides to the household for things like childcare. Again this is relevant. The OP is providing the childcare which comes out of the household income - that should be both him and her. He SHOULD be paying bills, because he's providing for his children. Or is he dividing everything and only charging the OP for her usage.

If the OP was living separately she would be financially more independent and potentially better off as an individual albiet with a smaller house, if she had the majority of the custody.

Thats why its abusive.

Its about the control of money being used to affect the power dynamics in the relationship and to press home the point that the OP isn't in a relationship that respects the other party. Its a relationship where one party seeks to asset dominance over the other rather than work together.

Thats not a marriage that is going to last. Its abusive.

Its all online, so are his payslips, I saw an email from accountant when DH was raging so I know figures are correct, I have no access to his banking.

Work out how much savings he should have op. Over the years. He's hiding some somewhere. Find that out before you mention anything to him. Either that or a pension. Which goes towards the assets. And don't just accept cetv value either, there's lots of ways of doing it.

By the same token he should wish to look after his wife properly just as she a. Looks after him and the children and b. Saves him a shit ton of money on domestic services and childcare.

Nannies start at 40k per year and he’d still have to cover cleaning and cooking.

He sounds awful. You’d be better off in your own. Divorce him, you’ll need a forensic accountant as he will try to lie etc. but ultimately the only thing a court will care about is that your children have similar roofs over their heads if possible. And a similar lifestyle in each home.

Yep.

I’m really sorry OP for the situation you’re in you need to get out as soon as you can .

I think the issue here is not whether the financial set up is correct and how other people order their affairs.

OP has described a situation which rings alarm bells for financial abuse. She has saved up an escape fund and the question is should she use some of that or try to find a way to get her husband to pay. He obviously doesn't know about the escape fund because it is in place because OP perceives him as abusive and a risk to her safety.

I would try to get him to pay if at all possible. If you can't get him to pay then you will need to use some of your money but try to find a way to explain this without telling him about the escape fund so you are still protecting yourself.

Op youre already planning on leaving him so I doubt you need anyone's advice here. Yes he sounds awful but to plot to leave him like this is only something you know is right or wrong. A man who won't even pay for his wife's car is a disgrace... but again I'm sure you know this or you wouldn't he planning to leave. Good luck regardless and I hope it all works out.

It’s not even about the money really, it’s about the fact hi does not respect you and belittles you.Your children are watching and learning.

DFriend dad was similar. When his parents divorced the dad managed to screw his mum financially ( house and business where only in his name for ‘tax reasons’ etc ) and for a very long time DFriend believed the dad’s narrative that he’d work hard, the mum contributed nothing, the mum was money grabbing and all that. The mum instigated the divorce despite having little
income and 3 young kids, knowing that the dad’s clever lawyers were going to hide his income and assets.

its taken my friend 30 odd years to admit that his dad was/is financially and emotionally abusive, that he screwed the mum and kids over
and left the mum struggling financially even though she got to keep ‘his’ house til the kids were 18, that actually he’s not some self made success story but rather a bitter, nasty man who put money before everyone.

What is financial abuse?
Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse and is a way of having power over you. It involves someone else controlling your spending or access to cash, assets and finances. This can leave you feeling isolated, lacking in confidence and trapped.

Sometimes (but not always) financial abuse will be recognised by the police as coercive or controlling behaviour, which is also a criminal offence.
You do not have to be living with the person for the coercive or controlling behaviour offence to apply. Financial abuse can continue, or even start, after separation.

Financial abuse can take different forms and can happen to anyone of any age. Abusers can be partners, ex-partners, family members or others, such as carers.

Financial abuse is often part of wider economic abuse.

Economic abuse can include:
stopping you from going to work, college or university,
causing you to lose out on benefits by not letting you go to appointments at the Jobcentre or apply for jobs, and
controlling your access to essential things, such as food, clothing or transport.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely

There is further reading and access to support on the thread above.

The OPs first post includes a number of points which match the criteria above.

One of the key things it says as part of this is to make an exit plan. A small supply of money to facilitate leaving would be appropriate as part of this in a situation relating to financial abuse.

In my first marriage I worked pt and brought up 3 kids while my then husband worked away from home. He sent me 1k every month. I just don't understand your husbands mentality at all except for liking to be in control. This marriage we earn about the same so all is split between us but by God if I had nothing he would be there with his wallet or bank card whether I asked or not.

this is financial abuse.

you had a consultation with a lawyer, and to me it looks you would he financially better off if you split up now?

Also, please be aware if he is lying and deflecting and deceiving on the money you know about - there will be more hidden saving pots. ISAs, bonds etc.

I really hope you will take him to the cleaners and get what you deserve for all your unpaid labour and childcare

Thank you I think he will a pay for the MOT and repair today and harass me for money, DH is texting now asking how much is in my savings, he said I'm stashing money away and not willing to help out.

Thats emotional abuse.

Does he put you down a lot OP?

Cos he knows its a potentially an exit fund. He doesn't want to allow that.

Its not about the money. He could pay tomorrow if he wanted to. Its about the power and control.

This 👏🏻👏🏻 I don’t think he is being unrealistic.