Husband is demanding money

[DaisyChainsandSunnyDays]

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

Work out an hourly rate and ask for child care money.
He's a Dick!
I hate any man that makes a woman feel inadequate over money!

Shocking how many posters just utterly wipe out the value of non monetary contributions. If it doesn't earn cold hard cash, you're just doing it for fun. Madness.

How on earth do you think these well paid high earning men get to the top of their careers as well as having a family and without burning out?! Because of the unpaid labour of their partners doing everything else that they don't have time to do.

My vagina would immediately close with this sound

Not your car? But your original post states:

My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly

You referred to it as yours, and you make the monthly payments on it, so it sounds like it’s yours?

Or is it just not yours when there’s an incurred expense associated with it…?

You don’t pool income, so you will probably need to pay for your own car.

Because she will almost certainly remain in charge of all child care, including for the youngest with SEN who can't go to regular childcare.
She will probably need to have a part time wage, maintenance and some universal credit.
She won't be in a position to maintain a more demanding job.

She clearly states it is in his name therefore he owns the asset despite her paying for it monthly

We’ll go through it again because you pick and choose what bits you take in.

• OP works, she pays some bills and saves. She does not allow her DH to pay for EVERYTHING as you say.
• If she doesn’t look after their children then they pay someone else too and this is more than her earnings so they JOINTLY agreed that OP would do childcare to keep the costs down.
• It is not HER car, you may not understand how to buy a car but if his name is on the V5 then HE owns it. He is therefore liable for it. OP explained she was contributing £500 to the £700 costs therefore even though she earns 10% of what he does she’s paying the majority of the costs towards HIS asset that he chose and makes her pay monthly for.
• Yes she will expect more than 50% because he can’t do any childcare based on his job therefore she will need to house and provide for them the majority of the time. She also needs compensating for the impact on her own career whilst looking after HIS children.

are we getting anywhere yet?

Thank you @FlipFlopVibe I appreciate your support

Tell him you don't have the money to pay for the car then suggest leaving the car in the garage until you can pay it if he insists but he will have to do all the children's drop offs & pick ups & any other travel required by the family. If he argues that he's unable to because of work then suggest he does like you've had to do & cut his hours or find a different job. He wont of course but it might make him realise what you have sacrificed for your family & that you could be earning higher if you didn't put your children's needs first.
Don't use any of your savings, you're going to need every penny to leave him, which I hope you do sooner rather than later.

It's so depressing to see how many posters just don't count the work that (mostly) women do. Looking after children, caring for older relatives, domestic housework, cooking, shopping, ferrying kids around, mental load stuff etc etc, the only part that counts is the very important man's very important job.

Is it abuse when it’s his money!

How is it his money when they are a married couple?

I guess that logic applies to all men who see growing and having babies, nursing and looking after them around the clock, then cooking cleaning, washing, managing childcare and school and sorting family life as of no value but also stuff that woman they live with should just shut up and get on with so they can focus on work and hobbies. I wish such men came with a label so you’d know to avoid all of this type as much as possible, to not date them and not let your friends date them either. And @Cherry8809 , you should come with a label too.

"Is it abuse when it's his money?"

Of course it is! @Cityandmakeup they're married.
It's abuse.

They are married. If they discussed and decided she should work part-time to be able to do more tasks around the house then he should step up and put more $$ towards the family. The savings should also be joint.
I couldn't imagine my husband putting $$ in a savings account and saying it's his alone. I am a sahm and only have a small pension compared to what he makes.
IMO too many people forget marriage is a partnership.
Okay sitting back now with my flameresistant knickers as I'm sure to get roasted. 🙃

They are a married couple so there is no his / her money it is shared. And it is definitely financial abuse when he earns more than 10x her salary but wants an equal financial split. It makes her life more financially stressful that his.

I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

Same shit, different day.