Husband is demanding money

[DaisyChainsandSunnyDays]

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

It’s financial abuse that he pays all the household bills, and has an expectation that she covers the cost of her car (that he paid the deposit on) repairs now that she’s working?

He’s not allowed to keep his savings as his own, but you’ll encourage her to hide her savings and be dishonest about them while still expecting him to pick up the tab….?

She has full transparency of his finances, but clearly it doesn’t work the other way….

Is your DH autistic as well (or could he be)?

I’m sure however he thinks he is entitled to stick his d into her.
What’s the point of marriage if not mutual support and help?

What a horrible man. My ex earned a lot more than me and he never discussed or shared money info (I never knew what he earned or what his bonuses were etc). I hated it. I didn’t want his money for the sake of it but it felt so wrong to be left out of decisions. Glad, very very glad, he’s ex.

The OPs husband doesn't discuss large financial purchases and treats his money as his own. The OP can only have a part time job that doesn't cover term time as she takes full responsibility for the house and children. When you marry, money is legally both spouses.

She says that he refused to give her money towards a funeral and is not transparent on how much he earns.

The OP was forced to ask for every penny towards shopping - why? He screamed at her when she asked for help towards her car. He earns ten times as much as her, why can't he pay towards the car?

She is planning on leaving him and her savings are to go towards that, which is why I advised her to keep it secret.

She has to ask him for every penny he needs to contribute to food etc. she wasn't allowed to pick the cat, it's in his name. She can't work full time to look after the kids because he won't help so can't build savings and he gatekeeps all money. If he didn't want to contribute to a home and a family he shouldn't have bothered to have one. If this was a gender flip I'd feel the same. There is no respect here or support

He is well aware I earn £12 ph and work 27.5h weeks, he often mocks me for earning so little

I don’t understand why you are in the process of reducing your hours and therefore earnings if your plan is to split from your husband.

It's really hard to understand, supporting each other in a relationship should be a priority.

I explained childcare costs more than I earn so while I will earn less I will be better off. Do you think DH will be willing to pay for childcare when we split?

That's when she gets to laugh in his face. Like most of the people on this thread would probably like to do to you.

Oh FFS. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit.

Op, I recommend you see a solicitor as soon as humanly possibly to get advice. You need to figure out your husband's financials before he has a chance to really hide money from you, if he hasn't already.

Childcare costs weren’t listed in all the things you totalled up as ‘your’ bills.

Short term pragmatism here while you sort the rest - do you need the car more than the cash right now or vice Versa? If you don’t give him the money for the car and you do need it, will he leave it in the garage?

This is not a marriage.

This is financial abuse.

Probably because she’s about to work school hours, term time only so there won’t be any childcare bills. She will be doing it all.

Does he pay his half of childcare now??

Well she doesnt have access to his savings though?

Sure, but her current work set up since March isn’t term time only but childcare wasn’t mentioned in the bills.

Yes he does, I take time of work as much as I can to cover half terms but summer holidays are difficult to juggle, so we hire help then. its not a monthly expense.

OP just a note on working and childcare costs after you split - you will get 80% of childcare costs covered as you will get universal credit. So it actually will be possible to work more hours and work in school holidays if that's better for you. Good luck

hi @Cinocino i forgot to mention it as its not a monthly expense

OP he mocks you for having a low paid job so you can take care of his children?

What a prize cunt. I hope you can leave sooner rather than later. And ignore the trolls on this thread.

He's financially abusive and also dim as he can't be nice enough to you to stop you leaving him.

With his job he isn't going to do much childcare so he will have a harsh shock when he realises that legally he now has to share his assets.

I wouldn’t wait until you pass probation op. Clean break. Take at least 50%. You should as you say be entitled to a lot more. He sounds awful getting you to pay for his flashy car and leaving you with an old banger. Can you stop paying that and divert your funds to your car?