Husband is demanding money

[DaisyChainsandSunnyDays]

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

Continue to stash it.

If you can do in person ships and get cashback on the shop

I hope you leave this sad excuse for a husband sooner rather than later. He is abusive and you deserve better

Good job solicitors disagree with you.

Absolutely what @RedToothBrush is saying. He knows where every penny you earn is going. Strange double standards here. It isn't about that he won't pay for your car, it's about the fact that he cannot control whether you divorce him or not. You are right that he is a narcissist. Buckle up op, but you're doing the right thing.

Ok so spend money on a forensic accountant and divorce this piece of shit. New, happier life for you and your dc. You will be SO much happier... do it.

Id rather just save portion of my earnings, what Dh puts on for groceries covers just that & wouldn't be enough to ''stash'' anything with cash back.

Jesus. How does entitlement come into it? What happened to marriage is a partnership? She’s looked after 3 kids and the house. Enabling him to have a family and still earn shitloads of money. It wouldn’t be a long shot to guess that he’s never had to stay home looking after a sick child or take them to a doctors appointment or see the school, organise playdates, figure out costumes for book day, buy birthday presents etc etc etc

If it’s about entitlement, then the OP is entitled to a housekeeper’s salary circa £35k pa and she’d be able to pay for her cars repairs then.

Women are so screwed over by this expectation that they’re responsible for the majority of the unpaid work inside the home and still be expected to do full time paid work outside the home. Then about aged 50’ish the ‘D’H leaves them for someone else because the DH deserve to be happy and in doing so they utterly financially screw over the DW. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this.

he said I'm stashing money away and not willing to help out.

He means he is stashing money away & unwilling to help out.

Do you have somewhere save to go if he gets out of hand. You shouldn't live like this he is abusing you.

After seeing your update, please look after yourself He's really angry and shows absolute contempt for you
His behaviour may escalate if he suspects you plan to leave

Ask him how much is in his savings.

He really wants to keep you skint. Say nothing.

I don't think you've got until February. Be careful and get out as fast as you can. If he's aware you are on your way out (as he seems to be) then the abuse is likely to escalate.

You use the word harass here.

Why?

What do you mean? How will he harass you?

I'm trying to establish what is going on here and the extent to which he is abusing you, hence me asking the question.

Your husband?
How fucking shocking and awful.
Sorry.

You need to start a squirrel campaign. So gradually add as much as you can to your savings, get some cash back when you pay for food shopping, buy gift vouchers in the supermarket, get the next couple of sizes up clothes for the kids. If you are happy to wear supermarket undies then chuck some of those in the trolley. Don't go mad all at once just a modest amount every shop. It's unlikely he checks receipts or actually knows what stuff costs.

And then when you go for divorce and they see you’ve also been essentially “hiding” money, just as he apparently has, prepare to have every penny of that taken account in the split as well. Honestly some of the advice on here baffles me and is clearly from people who don’t have day in day out exposure to people going through exactly this, which I do. If you both “squirrel away” money all that happens is you’re both in the wrong and it’s all taken into account for settlement figure. You cannot do the “oh he’s awful for hiding money” while also saying “oh yes hide as much money as you can”.

The advice to bank money is to be able to finance leaving the relationship.

He can be verbally abusive but tends to storm out if we have a disagreement. I started therapy last autumn and this made me realise what situation I'm in.
He is clearly triggered when I set my boundaries- this is new to him. He often gives me silent treatment especially if I say no to him or refuse to have sex.

I called DV helpline a month ago when DH grabbed my son aggressively,
I didn't see what happened, I just heard slapping sound and my dc said DH hit him so that what I believed and kicked him out immediately. DH came back few hours later banging on the door so lady on DV helpline told me to hung up and call police. I asked DH to come back next day and we agreed.
I called police and officers came round and after woke up DC, they spoke to DC alone and they decided this wasn't enough to do anything. Officer made me feel stupid.
DH spent night away and next day he came home acted like he was the victim and angry with me for calling police, when I told him to he apologised to dc , made promises of change and going to therapy, weeks now passed and of course
not much has changed- well he stopped drinking he was very heavy wine drinker but had health problems and has not drank for c4 weeks now.
DH gets up once I've gone out to take kids to school & work
If he isn't travelling he works, eats, puts his one plate away and goes to living room to sit on his own, on his mobile, with door closed. at 8 he does dc bath time, (this is a joke too, he sticks him in a bath, then sits on the stairs with back turned to bathroom, on his phone, for 5 minutes and takes him out) and calls me to tuck kids in. These days once kids are asleep I stay in my bedroom and DH sleeps in guest bedroom.

I don't have anywhere to go nearby.

Two letters about him:
EW

Some terrible "advice" on here.

See a solicitor. You both have to fill in a Form E which declares all your money, investments, assets, etc. You will NOT have to give him half your 3k as there has to be equity so it will be taken into account but like this - you have 3, he has 51. He has to give you 27k so that there is equality. The children will be taken into account if under 18. Don't let him bully you but get help ASAP.

It is highly possible your husband has more than £30k in savings.

See a solicitor.

I hope you are free of him soon.

Gosh doesn’t sound like there’s much to save here.

he will usually go on ranting and on until I give in or he will give me silent treatment, make life difficult by being awkward, only talk to me through kids, he would withhold money but now hes actually out enough in for a month so who knows?

Last year just before we got that car he wants money towards repairs for DH ruined camping trip I booked and paid for myself. plan was me and kids plus my sis and her kids .DH insisted on coming even tho he doesn't like camping. because he couldn't sleep at night in those terrible camping conditions (double inflatable massive airbed) DH was then sleeping all day while I looked after kids and the he was drinking a lot every evening. I never felt more lonely seeing lovely families round me. When I said for my car I would like a camper van like my sisters for next car he shouted at me that Im ridiculous and that I get what im given. (even though I would be paying for my car?)

It's hard to describe just how bad this advice is especially given the OPs update about physical abuse straight afterwards.

The advice for domestic abuse is to form an escape plan. An escape plan includes some financial means if possible, to enable the actual escape.

This doesn't mean the OP 'is as bad as each other'. The purpose of hiding the money for her is to escape domestic abuse. The purpose of him hiding the money is for his own self desires and so he can carry out domestic abuse.

The false equivalence being drawn here to trap someone in a domestic abuse situation for longer than is necessary is appalling.

I couldn't get past this. I literally could not stay married to someone who was prepared to treat me like this. I think you'd be far better off financially - and psychologically - if you divorced him.