Husband is demanding money

[DaisyChainsandSunnyDays]

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

Have you actually looked up coercive control?

Does he let you go anywhere without him?

You are now putting out red flag bunting on this thread.

I hope the people who said there wasn't a problem and you were being unreasonable are starting to take notes...

Now I work and have some money I get away once a year to visit my only living grandparent, its usually only a long weekend and DH makes sure kids stay alive, no housework, no fun activities. lets them eat whet they want and then its my fault if they vomit at night.

OP I would formally separate asap. Tell him you want a divorce and it's not working. See a solicitor. You are already sleeping separately. You can apply for Universal Credit even if you are still living with him as long as you can prove you aren't still acting like a couple i.e. stop cooking for him, close down any joint accounts, separate shopping etc. Essentially you need to financially unlink and live like flatmates. This may help you in the short-term. If he becomes abusive call the police and get HIM to leave. Stay in the marital home if you can.

OP.

The advice is NOT to mention financial abuse or coercive control if you are in a situation like this for various reasons.

Does he ever monitor your social media?

I would be mindful of this if he is starting to believe you may be considering leaving.

I'm glad people have told you about coercive control and financial abuse. If you are married, then most of your assets are joint.

I hope you will also total up all the services you provide, that he would have to outsource:
Child care
Cooking
Cleaning
House and life admin

Cost these up at what it would be for someone to work 35 hours per week in the house, plus a nightly take-away, plus a part-time secretary, plus childcare fees.

I'd wager it'll come to a tidy amount.

He is a cunt, Im very , very glad that you are making plans to leave op. Do you have support in RL ?

Thank you I really appreciate all of the advice
I forget how awful it is and when I'm writing it down is shocking really.
I will offer to pay some money towards this repair in couple of months. Hopefully this will calm him down. He knows I wont have full pay next month as ill be in between jobs and will only earn two weeks wages.

In have my mum and sister both 4 h away in different directions and my therapist (online). Don't know many people where we live we have only been here 2 years and raising autistic DC has been quite isolating.. DH doesn't make friends easily funnily enough!
One neighbour is lovely and we meet sometimes plus my current manager is very friendly and has been very supportive.

Let's see what her divorce solicitor says

Her looking after the children (and him) has facilitated his career progression at the expense of hers.

He certainly won't get to keep it all to himself

@DaisyChainsandSunnyDays get yourself to a Shit Hot Lawyer

Hi OP, I think your husband is reasonable to ask. He pays for all household bills and food which makes you extremely 'fortunate'. I appreciate that you earn considerably less. However, you are putting away money into non essential funds. I don't know the way forward except some frank discussion

How does he plan on finding wrap around childcare for HIS children then while you go and find a full time job? Does he realise that when you get said job hecwill then be responsible for 50% of all childcare and housework.

Does he pay childcare costs in the proportion of his salary?

@Despair1 DH seems to be saving a lot more money than OP

I see the MRAs are out in full force here.

My husband pays for everything.

He's in the wrong but this is also partly down to you about not setting the boundaries and agreements properly from the off - he clearly thinks one thing, you clearly think another - thats the root of the friction - you should have had a financial agreement / understading in place from earlier in the relationship surely?

Have you ever talked about money?

And what if he then sends her a bill for her half of rhe mortgage and all bills?*

She won't pay it, will she?

So what does he do then? Evict her? Divorce her?

He's a prize arse, stop sticking up for him! It's sickening!

as 1:1 childcare for summer holidays is costing more than I earn.

this logic only holds up when you are pooling your resources and it’s about family income and expenditure. Do you earn less than half the cost which you are responsible for?

I used to work FT but my DH travels a lot for work, mostly abroad,

if he was a single parent he would have to pay childcare costs when he is travelling, or rethink his work conditions. In a shared financial it might make sense for you to reduce your current and potential earnings, and pension in order to facilitate his career, and earnings. But if you’re not benefitting from the arrangement you have to weigh up your decisions differently.

Would you be better off (now and in your old age) to have a 50:50 residency, paying 3/4 days childcare so you can work ft? Given his better financial position you could argue for weekends so it would be 1/2 days.

I’m not suggesting ltb should be your first step. I think that both of you need to think about what equity means in relationship.

Not much 'equality' there then

Spot on

Very unkind

@Despair1 equality isn't just about finances!

Not much equality in the housework or looking after children is there?

Good point and caring for children is full on and exhausting. However being financially dependant on your partner puts you in a vulnerable position

@Despair1 no shit Sherlock. I think we all get that.

@Despair1 it's her husband not her partner..

You know the difference?

She'll get 50% once she's saved enough to leave the narcissist