Husband is demanding money

[DaisyChainsandSunnyDays]

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

And what if he then sends her a bill for her half of rhe mortgage and all bills?

Are you aware you are coming over as misogynistic when the OP appears quite vulnerable and is looking for support?

I know you are not in a great position but he doesn't see you as a team so he won't cover expenses he thinks he doesn't benefit from whether he does indirectly or not.

You won't be able to reason with this man and I can't imagine he'll change. He won't see all the household stuff that you do and certainly wouldn't put a price on it. It's complicated because by the sounds of it it's a second marriage (for you anyway) and I don't think men view providing for families in quite the same way second time around and certainly not if you are giving money to your 18 year old who's not his child. Sounds like you don't like him anyway and I'm not surprised, he's comes across as selfish and controlling. I do think some women think second time around will be financially the same as first time though, but in my experience you have to be far more self sufficient. I'm not sure in your circumstances I would have gone part-time and been the homemaker. At least you are married so when you divorce (which sounds inevitable) you should be protected in terms of getting at least half of everything. What he will be like going forward in terms of paying you maintenance may be less straightforward. But no I wouldn't find his behaviour and financial control acceptable if we were married and had DC.

Wouldn’t that be covered by the bills and mortgage?

It wouldn't come near covering the cost of outsourcing all household chores and 24/7 childcare, including 'specialist' care for the disabled child. Outsourcing 'real life' successfully is astronomically expensive. By far the cheapest option is to unload it onto an unpaid partner.

What a miserable git, leave him and take half of everything.
Seriously it's not an equal partnership is it! You aren't getting a stipend for the hours you don't work but care for the children so child care costs are lower.
Tell him you're going full time as you can't afford to live and he needs to sort childcare.

Why do people get married if they don’t want to share? Don’t bother if you want to ring fence your own money.
OP you are working hard here. Yes, he earns more and pays for more but your contribution is just as equal
He earns 10 times your income and he’s behaving like this?
What about appreciating you - does he ever do anything nice for you? Compliment you? Treat you?
Because he sounds like an absolute arse.
Its not like you are stomping your feet asking for a Gucci handbag.
It is an older car used as part of the family transport.

OP, stand up for yourself and tell him he needs to pay for your car repairs or better still, buy you a new car.

Why do some women saddle themselves with a stingy bastard for a husband? As soon as it becomes clear that he thinks he’s the boss of the household just because he earns more money, you need to put him right or leave. Stop having children with these monsters.

God if read another “bill him for all the cleaning you’ve done for the past X years!” What a pointless comment.

You pay tons, especially given your pt. Unless he’s short on money for some reason (huge mortgage or something like that), it’s insane that he’d go mad over paying for a car that benefits you both to get fixed

Thank you for all your responses,
I work part time ad youngest DC is autistic and after school childcare isn't an option
I decided to take term time only as 1:1 childcare for summer holidays is costing more than I earn.

I used to work FT but my DH travels a lot for work, mostly abroad, so once we had children together I was either on maternity leave, SAHM or working PT.
When working I always contributed in some way I used to pay for all of our food now I pay for car lease, Car lease is in DH name. He has the expensive BMW I have and old polo.

I had consultation with a lawyer they said I would be entitled to more than 50% simply because its needs based and DH earning potential is so much higher than mine.
I agree that 'my' savings would also go in a joint pot but I also know if something happens DH will not help me, When my grandmother passed away when my DC was 3 weeks old and I had no money he refused help me travel to the funeral (abroad)

I would have not trouble sharing my 3 k if he was willing to share his 30+k savings (not that I want to spend it) or even to decide together on joint goals, savings accounts etc. I tried talking etc but he doesn't consider marital assets joint, DH thinks everything is his and my non monetary contribution of housework and childcare doesn't count,
DH was never transparent about what his income is (I only accidentally found out when he was raging about tax refund he earned over 200k last year) and what he has saved,
I only manage to save because I dont buy things, He has no problem going shopping for designer stuff.

She does all the housework cooking and looking after kids. He earns 10x more, loves nice cars, and bought her an el cheapo bomb because his wife driving his kids around isn’t worth any more than that to him. He chose the cheaper older car, he pays the repair fees. He doesn’t do any childcare or housework, he should share money with the one who does. It is unbelievable that you or @Mrsttcno1 should think otherwise. @Mrsttcno1 is even worse though, suggesting the op should be using the money she’s saved to leave him so she stays trapped. Her plan to leave him was the only positive here and such a relief to read.

.

And now I’ve read the part about not helping her get to her grandmas funeral 3 weeks after giving birth and he earns over 200k… @Lampslights might be the financial abuser in their relationship, who else could think this is ok??

That's literally what marriage is you twit. A partnership. What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.

Of course th8s is totally unacceptable, When will folk realise that having a well paid partner does not automatically give you access to his money. So many posts on here saying the same. This horrible situation has been allowed to develop. I would seek a divorce. It must be demeaning to live like this. You deserve better.

He doesn't pay anything towards his 2 children. I assume he doesn't do any parenting either

I was hoping in February once I pass probation period in new job,
FT is out of the question, DH is unreliable when it comes to childcare his job always comes first,
my family is 4h away

This is financial abuse, OP. He will not change. You would be much better of divorced and receiving maintainance from him.

Not really no. He's able to progress and succeed in his job because the op covers everything else and he is not acting like they are in a partnership but can't see that. She contributes lot and sacrifices earning potential to care for their children , one who has additional needs. He is financially controlling and financially abusive

There is no I in team His attitude is disgusting He doesn't value you or the work you do
He's in for a rude awakening when he realises you will be entitled to at least half of everything on divorce
You will find it easier on your own as your expectations of him will change.

Get as much as you can out of the divorce. Don't take any Spousal maintenance. Clean break. On £200k there will be a limit I believe on maintenance so you'd have to get maintenance agreed through a court, not CMS.

OP he sounds awful. The funeral thing is the biggest red flag of all.

For me that tips this situation from financial independence to financial abuse. He is using the money to control you which explains the drip feed into your joint account and the need to have you ask for money.

He’ll turn nasty when you leave so it might be worth speaking to Women’s Aid to help you plan and make sure you are fully informed about your rights when you are ready to leave.

The sooner you can divorce him the better for you op. The ages of your children will be taken in to account, and the more there needs are, the more you will be awarded.

He is a financially abusive cunt of a man, and I'm glad courts exist in England to make things fair for care givers.