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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

186 replies

spanieleyes22 · 19/07/2024 09:29

So dd is 19 and her bf left last night after a 4 day visit. First time I met him. He seems nice very outgoing very confident. But I was left feeling a bit hurt as he seemed to want dd all to himself. Am probably being stupid. I think it's a slightly harder dynamic when you're a single parent or am I being stupid and over sensitive. Other boyfriends have always had dinner with us (me and ds) and have chatted to me a bit and maybe had a coffee with me (and ds and dd not just me lol) but this guy was very anxious to get dd alone. They had 1 dinner with us the night he arrived cos it was dd birthday and I was making a "special" tea. But other than that they had all their meals upstairs in her room. Just to say I'm not a bit clingy I was out at work 2 of the days 7-7 and working from home the other 2 days so I wasn't wanting to hang around with them. I asked about dinner every day just wanting to know but they made their own dinner and took it upstairs. One night it was around midnight they came in and cooked dinner. Ah look I'm easy going I do t mind. Just a couple of things yesterday . I was wfh and dd made coffee for us 3 and I assumed they would sit with me at the table as dd wanted to chat with me as we hadn't seen each other for a day or so due to me working and them being out. But I heard him say let's take it upstairs. He's not at all shy it's not that. I offered dd a lift to the station last night when he was leaving as it was very warm and she struggles with the heat but she asked him and he said ah no we can walk . Am being silly aren't I. Had a big cry last night as I feel like he's taking her away from us. Probably I just need to let go.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 19/07/2024 09:31

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Manhere2024 · 19/07/2024 09:32

Is it his first serious relationship? He sounds immature.

But for this to change you’ll need to have a quiet word with DD, too.

Bankholidayhelp · 19/07/2024 09:33

He sounds rude and controlling.

Had they not seen each other for weeks/month

Maybe have a relaxed chat with your daughter about expectations for next visit ie eat together occasionally, no making food at midnight ( presumably they must have woken you and DS?).

Singleandproud · 19/07/2024 09:34

Well I would have had some ground rules about cooking late at night and eating food downstairs, that would have solved part of your problem, perhaps something you can put in place next time.

Have previous boyfriends been local and therefore popping in and out more?

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 19/07/2024 09:35

Manhere2024 · 19/07/2024 09:32

Is it his first serious relationship? He sounds immature.

But for this to change you’ll need to have a quiet word with DD, too.

Yes you're right she is his first serious girlfriend. It was other things too like the first night at dinner he wanted to talk exclusively to dd. At some points me and da were just looking at them feeling a bit excluded. Ah I'm probably being silly they are just in love I guess! And he didn't say goodbye to ds which bugged me. Hardly said goodbye to me just called out from the hall.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 19/07/2024 09:37

He sounds a bit controlling and clingy Probably wrapping it up as being "loved up" they are in your house it isn't a hotel meals with family is normal. I wouldn't be happy with midnight cooking either.

PerfectTravelTote · 19/07/2024 09:37

They're young and immature. Let it go.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 19/07/2024 09:37

Singleandproud · 19/07/2024 09:34

Well I would have had some ground rules about cooking late at night and eating food downstairs, that would have solved part of your problem, perhaps something you can put in place next time.

Have previous boyfriends been local and therefore popping in and out more?

Yes that's true previous boyfriends lived local but she met this guy at uni and he lives in a different city .

OP posts:
mitogoshi · 19/07/2024 09:37

Sorry that's downright rude on their part, have a no food in the bedroom rule for starters next time. Fair enough eating out but if eating at home and they prefer different food they should be offering to cook for you and even if separate meals are made they shouldn't be eating in the bedroom as that's just wrong, sit at the table.

We have a no food upstairs rule, works really well (young adults)

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 19/07/2024 09:38

PerfectTravelTote · 19/07/2024 09:37

They're young and immature. Let it go.

Yeh I know am over reacting. Just felt sad am stupid I know!

OP posts:
Iloveeverycat · 19/07/2024 09:38

Sounds normal to me my 3 are like this. When I was 19 40 years ago I wouldn't want to hang around with my parents why would I. You obviously see her alot as she lives with you so why is 4 days a problem. What happens when she moves out.

Geiyotue · 19/07/2024 09:38

He's rude. Meals should be downstairs, and communal. He should talk to you, yes.

Have a word with your DD and tell her that next time he comes he needs to be polite and that meals need to be downstairs.

He's an adult, he should know how to behave.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 19/07/2024 09:39

Iloveeverycat · 19/07/2024 09:38

Sounds normal to me my 3 are like this. When I was 19 40 years ago I wouldn't want to hang around with my parents why would I. You obviously see her alot as she lives with you so why is 4 days a problem. What happens when she moves out.

Nah she lives at uni. She just home for a few weeks in between houses . Once her new lease starts up in Aug she will go back. She's been back for about 3-4 weeks I suppose

OP posts:
mitogoshi · 19/07/2024 09:40

I don't think you are over reacting, we would have called ours aside (out of earshot) and laid down the rules, though they know that family meals are how we operate here, it's a condition of their free accommodation!

LivelyHare · 19/07/2024 09:41

He is rude and possessive. Trust your gut on this.

Createausername1970 · 19/07/2024 09:42

Yes and no.

She will pull away from you naturally. It's whether you think this was part of that process or whether she was being dragged.

I think I would have a chat and say something like "seems like a nice lad, and very happy for him to stay again, but need some ground rules". Keep it light and don't say anything negative. It may settle down once they are through the first heady weeks 😂

Mmmmdanone · 19/07/2024 09:43

Maybe talk to your dd about it for next time. Sounds like she wasn't too comfortable with some of the things he wanted either. At least he's gone now!

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 19/07/2024 09:46

Createausername1970 · 19/07/2024 09:42

Yes and no.

She will pull away from you naturally. It's whether you think this was part of that process or whether she was being dragged.

I think I would have a chat and say something like "seems like a nice lad, and very happy for him to stay again, but need some ground rules". Keep it light and don't say anything negative. It may settle down once they are through the first heady weeks 😂

Yeh I mean I'm trying to work out why I feel upset. I never felt like this with other boyfriends! I think he was actively excluding me which made me a bit sad. Felt like a spare part. Next time he comes I'll be away which I'm kinda relieved about lol

OP posts:
AppleCream · 19/07/2024 09:46

I would find that really rude! I don't mind if they spend most of their time together and not with the rest of us, but cooking and eating all their meals in her room is out of order IMO.

MightyFlorals · 19/07/2024 09:46

He sounds rude and lacking in self awareness. If I was stopping at someone’s house, I would be making more effort.

I would be tempted to say something to dd and bf next time you saw them, not too serious, but more along the lines of ‘oh I hardly saw you last time, you kept eating your dinner upstairs!’

Calamitousness · 19/07/2024 09:46

It’s not unreasonable to want someone in your home to speak to you. But, I get why they would want to be on their own and not sit with you or get a lift from you. They are only with you because that’s where your daughter lives. They are wanting to explore each other. Fair enough. To be crying over the lack of contact with your daughter for 4 days is bizarre and a bit much. To want him to chat when he sees you and is in your company is not unreasonable.

ErickBroch · 19/07/2024 09:47

I think you are upset for the wrong reasons. Not about him pulling her away from you, it is more concerning that it seems he is rude to family and doesn't want to engage at all. I find that not pleasant and my incredibly abusive ex partner who I also met at university was exactly like this.

Refused lifts, any time with parents or family around, always had to be one on one so he could manipulate and control the mood and situation.

I am not saying that her bf is like this - just something to be aware of!

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 19/07/2024 09:47

Mmmmdanone · 19/07/2024 09:43

Maybe talk to your dd about it for next time. Sounds like she wasn't too comfortable with some of the things he wanted either. At least he's gone now!

Yeh I don't want her to feel conflicted or that I'm bond clingy. I don't think I can say anything. There's nothing substantial to complain about really. Apart from the meals and maybe I'm being silly but other boys always had dinner with us . Not a biggie tho I guess I need to get over myself

OP posts:
Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 19/07/2024 09:51

ErickBroch · 19/07/2024 09:47

I think you are upset for the wrong reasons. Not about him pulling her away from you, it is more concerning that it seems he is rude to family and doesn't want to engage at all. I find that not pleasant and my incredibly abusive ex partner who I also met at university was exactly like this.

Refused lifts, any time with parents or family around, always had to be one on one so he could manipulate and control the mood and situation.

I am not saying that her bf is like this - just something to be aware of!

That's interesting. I was trying to work out why I felt upset but couldn't put my finger on it. I mean look I'm an adult I don't want to hang out with them . It was more a feeling that he wanted her all for himself. He talked to her directly at the meal about people me and dad don't know and if I tried to join in he just kinda ignored what I said. Like I say it's hard to work out why I'm upset

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 19/07/2024 09:51

This is concerning, as if he sees the family as rivals for her affection. He sounds young and unable to cope with anyone else competing for her attention.
I fear that if your DD can't see this for herself then it will escalate because people like this, jealous and insecure, essentially want their partners all to themselves.
And if a guest in my house didn't socialise and eat meals with me I would make it plain that this is extemely rude and not how civilised adults behave.