Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

[spanieleyes22]

So dd is 19 and her bf left last night after a 4 day visit. First time I met him. He seems nice very outgoing very confident. But I was left feeling a bit hurt as he seemed to want dd all to himself. Am probably being stupid. I think it's a slightly harder dynamic when you're a single parent or am I being stupid and over sensitive. Other boyfriends have always had dinner with us (me and ds) and have chatted to me a bit and maybe had a coffee with me (and ds and dd not just me lol) but this guy was very anxious to get dd alone. They had 1 dinner with us the night he arrived cos it was dd birthday and I was making a "special" tea. But other than that they had all their meals upstairs in her room. Just to say I'm not a bit clingy I was out at work 2 of the days 7-7 and working from home the other 2 days so I wasn't wanting to hang around with them. I asked about dinner every day just wanting to know but they made their own dinner and took it upstairs. One night it was around midnight they came in and cooked dinner. Ah look I'm easy going I do t mind. Just a couple of things yesterday . I was wfh and dd made coffee for us 3 and I assumed they would sit with me at the table as dd wanted to chat with me as we hadn't seen each other for a day or so due to me working and them being out. But I heard him say let's take it upstairs. He's not at all shy it's not that. I offered dd a lift to the station last night when he was leaving as it was very warm and she struggles with the heat but she asked him and he said ah no we can walk . Am being silly aren't I. Had a big cry last night as I feel like he's taking her away from us. Probably I just need to let go.

OP he was very rude. Nobody likes being treated rudely in their own home, so that's why you were upset!

I'd take DD aside and say, he seems nice and I'm pleased to have met him but a) certain behaviours the two of you did were rude - next time, all meals downstairs and don't exclude your brother from group conversations. b) he seems a bit controlling, make sure he doesn't tread all over you DD and stand up for your wishes.

At 19 they're likely immature and lusting after one another so I wouldn't worry that she's be like this forever, but also you don't want to turn her against you, so don't be too heavy handed or weepy with her - just lay down the ground rules calmly and say you expect to be treated with more respect next time.

This relationship is very unlikely to last - I hope for your sake it ends sooner rather than later, but don't let DD know you think that way!

I'm thinking with my 19yo first-relationship head on.

I don't think they were that out of order, and I think your reaction could be a bit overbearing for your daughter.

When I was visiting my ILs at that age I was a lovestruck teenager who, no, did not want to join with the trip to Sainsbury's etc, or spend lots of time hanging out with his siblings. They're teens dating, not getting married. (Though come to think of it, DH did propose on that trip).

What puts us off is the overbearing "my baaaaaaaby is going" stuff. With my family it's easy-come-easy-go and we do some stuff together, some apart.

Whereas MIL actually locked us out of a shared villa so that we'd have to come out to join them one year on holiday.

I don't think this is the crime of the century. Set some ground rules if you must, maybe about the food. But if you make a big deal, what you fear might come to pass.

I don't think you're overreacting. He sounds rude & arrogant. His behaviour is also controlling & possessive which is concerning. Would it be possible to talk to her on your own to find out how he behaves towards her?
If future visits occur, set out your house rules & pull him up on his rudeness if necessary, his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

He’s rude and got no right to dictate where they eat

I think it sounds normal. I remember when I brought my 19 year old boyfriend home. We never hung out with my parents! We'd always be in my room. It didn't occur to me that my parents might actually find this hurtful.

You are minimising your own feelings when you use the words needy, clingy and silly. He’s a guest in your house, and his manners are dreadful saying ‘will we take our coffee upstairs?’ leaving you feel like a lemon in your own house! They’ve had lots of private time with you out and about; he is not behaving like a good guest towards his host. Mi casa es mi casa.

When I was 19, I done exactly this, never crossed my mind it was rude. You are in your own bubble and used to being in a house share situation at uni and having your bedroomas your only personal space. I wouldn't take it personally, you get stuck in your rut

Yeh I think it's slightly different when it's just me and no husband . You were off wit your bf but they had each other? I suppose I felt a bit like a 3rd wheel which is what I am lol. Haven't felt it so keenly with other boyfriends though

What kind of response is that? So unhelpful and why does everything have to be about poor mental health… never heard of an instinct about something?!

Personally I do think this is a little bit concerning OP. Especially if you’ve said he’s not shy… you’ve clearly got a gut feeling about it so I’d just keep an eye. I probably wouldn’t mention anything to your daughter yet though as you don’t want to push her away if he does end up having controlling tendencies .. that might sound dramatic but in my experience with people like that you get a gut feeling and usually correct.

Yeh to be fair though I didn't expect or want to hang out with them lol. I have my own life and do my own thing. Just felt a bit ignored a few times I suppose. But yeh I don't think I will say anything to dd. Possibly if he plans another visit I might say something about eating downstairs for the most part. I definitely don't want to come across emotional or clingy I want her to have her own life I think I've been pretty good this last year. I've never said anything about her not contacting me for weeks even though I was worried . Actually I realize it's since she met him she stopped contacting me. I am a little worried as she said he was telling her how he and his mother didn't have a great relationship and she said I was her best friend - yeh she is sweet- maybe he feels a bit insecure around me I dunno

I'm not surprised you were upset. He was really rude to you in your home. The odd coffee upstairs is fine, but just walking off with food when you are a guest in someone's house is rude.

Fuck that, they are staying in the OP's home and behaving very rudely and creating an odd and awkward atmosphere, the OP has every right to put in ground rules if she wishes. As to the 'well I you say anything, you'll push them together more' angle, I agree that's a risk in these kind of scenarios but if she doesn't say anything, the daughter may not wake up and smell the coffee and think his behaviour is OK and normal or worse, a sign of just how much he loves her.

I agree with @ErickBroch . You aren't overreacting at all, she's gone to Uni and had other boyfriends so you're clearly not smothering her, but this young man comes into your home and makes a concerted effort to reject you from your daughter's time and attention.

No matter what my level of intimacy with someone, whether friend, partner or colleague, to go to somebody's family home and ignore their family members, deliberately take my food and drink away into another room where they couldn't follow, then not say goodbye to them: these are extremely rude and unusual behaviours! You aren't being silly, you're trying to bury your very reasonable issues with this to be nice to your daughter (understandable). See if she's able to have a casual chat with you about how she felt about him and the visit.

Good luck, OP.

Communal meals can be absolutely cringe and awkward at that age. As teens my kids were allowed to eat in their rooms with friends and sort their own meals if they wished. Relaxed and informal were very much the vibe at home.

Yes some basic manners should be expected but no more than a cheery hello/goodbye.

I’m sure if he comes over more often they’ll relax a bit more around you.

I think you are being hard on yourself and frankly too easy on your daughter. I would consider not contacting you for weeks to be very very poor and I certainly would have said something about that. And then the antics with this clown? Fuck that, you don't need to be so much the cool mum, you sound like a great and very understanding person but that shouldn't segue into being a walkover.

Ask them to eat at the table.
Nothing u healthy about keeping a good repore with your daughter over a coffee.
He needs to be polite and considerate while in your home.
If I was 19 I would want to take off and snuggle up with my bf or hang out together as I did back then myself.
It is part of them growing up and having a life independent of parents.

I’m a single parent too but to be honest I can’t relate. It’s easy come easy go in my house. I’ve always had an open door policy with my kids friends/gfs they can come and go as they please.

I disagree, how low is the bar? If they are adults with everything that is associated with the freedoms of that, then they need to meet some basic standards of civilised behaviour. My children are mid teens, peak age for cringe but if friends are here at meal times now then they are eaten as normal family meals together. I would feel I had raised my children poorly if they got to 19 or 20 and behaved as the Op's daughters boyfriend (and daughter herself) had behaved.

I had this with my daughters uni BF . I think they were living like semi adults away and found it strange to be back in childhood home adhering to previous routines . BF was a bit awkward, later found out he felt intimidated by our different standard of living , my way of speaking directly I think. They did retreat to the room a lot too. I did comment on it to my daughter privately and she begged for me to give him a chance .

Happy to say , 6 years later , he is a very welcome visitor in our home , huge part of our lives and turned out to be a kind loving partner to our daughter.

Nah, that's bad manners. You speak to everyone at a table. You also make effort with anyone you meet for the first time, especially if they're hosting you in their home. it doesn't matter if it is your girlfriends parents or someone random seated beside you at a dinner party.
I honestly wouldn't feel "he's taking her away from us" That's neither here nor there ( and yes, immature thinking, sorry op - children moving on is part of life- and a good thing). I expect basic manner from anyone entering my home

He was rude and lacking in basic life skills. It’s your house too and good manners are essential for everyone to be comfortable, not just the precious young people.

@spanieleyes22 You are not being overly sensitive. Sure they're young, but even kids younger than that have basic manners when they visit someone's home. Chatting, offering to help out, saying thank you etc..

Don't say anything to dd, but keep your connection with her strong. I agree that bf might be controlling and manipulative for her attention. A good partner embraces ALL of you. They will ask your family for funny stories about you, or try and impress your mun/brother so that you can see them fitting into your life.
A healthy partner does not want to isolate you from everyone else.

Some teenagers are more mature than others. I was an immature teenager and I remember hating every minute of having to talk to my boyfriend's parents at that age. It just felt so awkward. Couldn't wait until we were alone. I was definitely not controlling, just quite shy and found it hard to make small talk, so this wouldn't bother me.

I remember when my daughter brought her first boyfriend home, I gave them the choice of eating upstairs or with us and they chose upstairs. It was just more relaxed. As we got to know him they would eat with us more. They're married now and I couldn't ask for a nicer son in law.

He sounds rude as shit and you sound very, very meek.

It’s your house. Lay some ground rules with your daughter.

I think it’s probably more to do with his upbringing. My kids know how to behave in other people’s houses as I have brought them up to know this. Such as if you are invited to stay somewhere for the weekend you take a gift. Always talk to your host, eat with your host if invited to. Thank host when leaving and follow up with thank you letter. We have a rule in this house of no eating in bedrooms.

I wouldn’t over-react on this occasion as he is young and has been brought up with different values. But I’d probably speak to your DD in advance of him visiting again. So she can train him a little bit.