Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

[spanieleyes22]

So dd is 19 and her bf left last night after a 4 day visit. First time I met him. He seems nice very outgoing very confident. But I was left feeling a bit hurt as he seemed to want dd all to himself. Am probably being stupid. I think it's a slightly harder dynamic when you're a single parent or am I being stupid and over sensitive. Other boyfriends have always had dinner with us (me and ds) and have chatted to me a bit and maybe had a coffee with me (and ds and dd not just me lol) but this guy was very anxious to get dd alone. They had 1 dinner with us the night he arrived cos it was dd birthday and I was making a "special" tea. But other than that they had all their meals upstairs in her room. Just to say I'm not a bit clingy I was out at work 2 of the days 7-7 and working from home the other 2 days so I wasn't wanting to hang around with them. I asked about dinner every day just wanting to know but they made their own dinner and took it upstairs. One night it was around midnight they came in and cooked dinner. Ah look I'm easy going I do t mind. Just a couple of things yesterday . I was wfh and dd made coffee for us 3 and I assumed they would sit with me at the table as dd wanted to chat with me as we hadn't seen each other for a day or so due to me working and them being out. But I heard him say let's take it upstairs. He's not at all shy it's not that. I offered dd a lift to the station last night when he was leaving as it was very warm and she struggles with the heat but she asked him and he said ah no we can walk . Am being silly aren't I. Had a big cry last night as I feel like he's taking her away from us. Probably I just need to let go.

It sounds more like coercive control than young love. He doesn't want you and your daughter to have any alone time together. I have experienced this with a granddaughter. Her BF wanted to control what she wore, who she saw, and ended up physically abusing her. Thankfully she is well out of that situation now

Going against the grain here, I really don’t think you should bring this up. If you start putting in ground rules like other posters are suggesting they will just stop staying with you. They are adults and want to manage their time their own way. At the same time, they are still immature and perhaps don’t have all the social awareness they will develop in the next few years.

Let them enjoy their youth and their love without trying to insert yourself into it. Of course he wants DD all to himself. He’s probably obsessed with her, as is normal for first love. Don’t make it about you when it really isn’t.

I think she may be a bit sensitive but her reaction hardly warrants being asked if she has mental/attachment issues! Human beings are allowed to express emotions without there being something mentally wrong.

I dunno OP, if your antenna was twitching I think you have a right to be concerned. Things to watch out for - does her behaviour change around him? Was she more sociable with other boyfriends? The trip home was to see you too. I'd be worried he was isolating her from her pals at uni too. Worth a chat I think.

I would say his behaviour is extreme. But I guess you have no experience of odd or bad men.

Yeh I think I will keep my feelings to myself and say nothing . She seems very happy so I will just let it go I think. I definitely don't want her to feel conflicted or to know I was upset. Am going away for a few days tomorrow so will have time to process it all and act "normal" with her. I know she's out today/tonight with her friends.

But he's with her at uni? The trip home was to see her Mum. I'd be concerned (also experienced, sadly)

Sorry I meant to quote Janieforever

LIke most other posters, I think k your paranoia abou there drawing away from you is a bit silly and OTT BUT I do think you have a right to be a bit annoyed and upset and, frankly, concerne.d At this age, of COURSE they're all loved up and just want ot be attached at the hip all the time. that's not strange. But I cannot imagine a situation where I'd allow DS and his GF to go upstairs to eat dinner in his room while we eat dinner downstairs. And I say that as someone who is not actually obsessed with all eating together - we often eat separately -eg last night DS sat in the lounge watching a show and I sat in the kitchen watching a different show as DH and DD were out.

So unless your DD regularly eats dinner in her room and therefore that's a habit that's well established, I'd make it clear in future that's not okay and a bit rude. I'd also make a light comment about the lift, "DD, you know that if you want a lift, you can have one, even if BF would prefer not to? You don't have to always do what he wants?"

I was the teen who didn't want to eat meals with my bf's family. I found it extremely awkward. I was very outgoing on the surface but was actually pretty unsure of myself.
My mum didn't cook for me and we didn't eat together from age 14, so I kind of didn't understand the whole family meal dynamic.
So it could be something like that?
But maybe mention to her you'd really like it if they could both make a bit of effort to eat with you at least sometimes. And I think making own food (even quite late) is fair enough, as long as they don't disturb anyone or leave a mess, but again that's the way I was brought up.

Yeah this is red flag territory. You don't visit someone's house and not interact. It's rude and controlling to be honest.

If he comes again, I'd very firmly be putting ground rules down that evening meal is together.

My dds boyfriend is here just now, they do spend alot of time in her room but he's engaging. Will offer tea/coffee if he's come down to make one. Will chat happily together or alone. Meals are always together. He helps clear up etc.

4 days is a long time for a first visit. He should be making much more effort to get to know the family if he wants to live under your roof for nearly a week!

You've every right to set some boundaries.

You have every right to be upset, he sounds very rude. I can understand them wanting to spend time alone together but it's ill mannered of him not to make the effort to chat to you and your ds and to not even say a proper goodbye to you both and thank you for your hospitality. He sounds controlling, it's not as if you think he's shy and if he was, then that behavior would be excusable from a younger person, but he's at an age where he should know better. If he's coming to stay again, I'd have a quiet word with dd and just say, in future, you'd prefer all meals to be eaten downstairs etc You can't force him to be friendly towards you but you can set the rules in your own house and not allow him to have so much control when he's under your roof. Hopefully, the relationship won't last.

I think its OK to say is boyfriend shy he didn't seem to like sitting having his coffee etc. just let's her know you noticed and you are open to talk about it, you are not saying you don't like him or anything just noticing his behaviour seemed a bit rude.

Why are you pinning it all on him? Is your dd incapable of speaking up or having respect for you ? I would be annoyed if anyone took their dinner to the room to eat, bad habit. It's your dd home so she allowed this, surely your upset needs to be with her.

And so does her dd? She is just as rude, if not more because she is gladly allowing this.

I have a uni age DD and I wouldn't like this. Although the one rule I've had is no food upstairs only water, we all eat and drink downstairs.

I think it is the lack of manners of someone staying in your house. At the least I would expect a hello and goodbye and perhaps a 5 min chat over a coffee. I think having a conversation over dinner that excludes you and your DS is poor form too. I do think some YP are on their phones so much that they don't understand basic manners and perhaps come from a house that don't eat together so it might not be controlling behaviourfrom the BF. My approach would be to have a casual chat to your DD and say that whilst her BF seems nice you would prefer a little more interaction whilst he is a guest in your home.

I think she was pleasing him. In the past I guess when she has had friends or boyfriend over they might have a pizza and movie night
In her room. Which is fine I think. It was more I felt he was actively avoiding me. Considering I was out of the house for 2 of the days i didn't feel like I was being clingy at all

Don't overthink it, just nip (some) of it in the bud.

If he's only here for 4 days and she's living at home for the summer I wouldn't have really been upset that the coffee catch up was interrupted, you do have weeks more time with her.

The food in the room and eating at midnight thing not on though and I would address that with her very lightly if he comes back: hey dd, hate this eating in your room thing, I'd rather we all ate together at the table like normal people and just be aware if you're coming in late you can't start cooking a whole meal, you woke the whole house up.

The rudeness thing you just need to persevere through with a patented tinkly MN laugh.

I would mention it.

Id be very careful to seem sympathetic though. So to broach it as in ‘poor boy, does he not have family dinners? I felt really bad for him at dinner when he didn’t know how to have a group conversation. Maybe if we do it a bit more we can show him how to do it. Must have been a bit awkward for you.’ Or whatever comes naturally and see how the conversation goes.
He does sound rude. And I’d want to keep an eye on it in terms of him isolating her. You want to be careful not to get her feeling conflicted and stuck in the middle.

Really? Disappointed to not spend much time with her child is a mental disorder? That's completely ridiculous.

Absolutely - I don't know if it was spidey senses, but I felt like side-eyeing this bloke just reading OP's first post.

They’re young adults in the early stages of a relationship and they want a bit of privacy rather than family time. That’s normal.

Some people might think it’s rude that they ate upstairs etc but it sounds to me as if you just had really different expectations of the visit than they did. I don’t think that, at 19, my then boyfriend and I sat downstairs with my parents every evening when he came to stay. I think in your mind you are the one ‘hosting’ a guest, but in your DD’s mind, she is the one ‘hosting’ her boyfriend in the home she lives in, much like she would if she lived with a flatmate rather than her mother.

Either way, I think crying and being upset and thinking he’s taking her away from you is quite an extreme reaction. Unless you genuinely think he’s somehow abusive, but nothing you’ve said in your first post suggests that’s the case.

Basically he has no manners.

But your DD hasn't covered herself in glory either

You need to set out your expectations to her and she can enforce them with B/F

Meals downstairs. A couple of them with you. No late night cooking. When you're all together then conversations should be general

A proper Goodbye and Thank You

You’re not over reacting .He sounds rude and possessive.You need to find a way of communicating ground rules to your DD before your home becomes his playground.Sadly I sadly I speak from experience .