Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

[spanieleyes22]

So dd is 19 and her bf left last night after a 4 day visit. First time I met him. He seems nice very outgoing very confident. But I was left feeling a bit hurt as he seemed to want dd all to himself. Am probably being stupid. I think it's a slightly harder dynamic when you're a single parent or am I being stupid and over sensitive. Other boyfriends have always had dinner with us (me and ds) and have chatted to me a bit and maybe had a coffee with me (and ds and dd not just me lol) but this guy was very anxious to get dd alone. They had 1 dinner with us the night he arrived cos it was dd birthday and I was making a "special" tea. But other than that they had all their meals upstairs in her room. Just to say I'm not a bit clingy I was out at work 2 of the days 7-7 and working from home the other 2 days so I wasn't wanting to hang around with them. I asked about dinner every day just wanting to know but they made their own dinner and took it upstairs. One night it was around midnight they came in and cooked dinner. Ah look I'm easy going I do t mind. Just a couple of things yesterday . I was wfh and dd made coffee for us 3 and I assumed they would sit with me at the table as dd wanted to chat with me as we hadn't seen each other for a day or so due to me working and them being out. But I heard him say let's take it upstairs. He's not at all shy it's not that. I offered dd a lift to the station last night when he was leaving as it was very warm and she struggles with the heat but she asked him and he said ah no we can walk . Am being silly aren't I. Had a big cry last night as I feel like he's taking her away from us. Probably I just need to let go.

I don’t think you should ignore your instincts OP he has no manners or consideration for anyone other than his own wants, also sounds controlling. Eating separate meals upstairs just sounds odd and making a point of avoiding connecting with family. I think it would be good to hear what your DD thought about the stay.

Me and ds not dad!!!

With any luck she'll see the light and throw this one back. You don't have to have him in your house though, you can say no to visitors and tell them t get a Premier Inn when he's about, not sure how that would work for your relationship with her though.

If you want 1:1 time with DD you need to pre-book that with her, so the bf isn't around or go visit her and take her out.

I do get how you feel, DD is a few years younger but it's just been telling two of us since she was born, I want her to find a partner and to be happy but I'm sure it'll also sting my heart a little when I'm the third wheel.

It was up to your daughter to say no, we're going to eat downstairs. Blame her, not him.

Yes that's how it felt . That he wanted all her attention. Like yesterday she sat down at the table after making coffee for the 3 of us and she was just telling me about what they did and their plans etc. but he remained standing at the door and when she got up to get something I heard him say shall we bring the coffees upstairs now.

He sounds like a totally controlling (and rude) weirdo. I wouldn't want him in my house. I hope you daughter wakes up sooner rather than later.

Yeh I could see she wanted to please him

Hmmm, mother's intuition kicking in here I think! Something not right in your gut but she'll need to work this out herself unfortunately. Also at uni they are used to having their own lives essentially but yes this seems kind of purposeful. It'll play out and shell come back x

I wouldn’t be getting upset about my dd growing up and starting to step away, that’s natural. What I would be upset about (in an angry not crying way) is a guest in my home being downright rude

I would be having words with your DD that while you welcome guests you don’t appreciate them not engaging with the household while being a guest

Sounds like he is immature and rude and whether your DD sees that is what you should be getting to the bottom of

Yeh it does sting that's a good word! It's been a hard year for me getting used to not seeing her for months and not hearing from her for weeks! But I haven't said anything to her it's my problem not hers!! I probably won't say anything to her. I feel v much like he's her no 1 and that's the way it should be I know

OP I completely get why you're upset, and I'd be annoyed too in your shoes.

This was rude (of them both tbh), but he as a guest in your house should have more manners. He should engage with the person who's hosting him (you), eat with the family and offer to tidy up afterwards.

The fact that he didn't would worry me as I'd see it as possibly controlling. I'm prejudiced though as my lovely SIL married a man who did exactly this, would visit my PIL for a week and barely be seen, eating in the bedroom and making minimal (but very charming) conversation. SIL lived a life of misery before finally managing to escape the marriage.

Have a gentle word with your DD, tell her that you've decided no eating upstairs from now on, aside from anything else I'd hate the smell of food in a bedroom. Also mention that the BF was, in your eyes, a little rude not to attempt to make conversation with you and your DS. She may have noticed this herself anyway. Just say that you would hate her to end up in a controlling relationship.

It may very well be that the BF just hasn't been raised very well. My two adult kids often have tales to tell about friends/acquaintances who literally have no clue how to behave in certain social situations.

He sounds rude and controlling.

He's a little rude , saying that your daughter is grown up and probably wants to just share all the time she has with him alone. I know at that age I was not spending much time with my family . On the other hand are you getting an off vibe about him that he's monopolising your daughters time and possibly controlling her ?

No, it's her problem, and on multiple levels. She's involved with a man who is this rude to her mother. She's involved with a man who is intent on monopolising her attention to this degree, that he would be this rude and controlling - at a time when most suitors bend over backwards to make the parents like them. And she is involved in a controlling relationship with a really strange, rude, weird man.

That’s really quite rude on his part, though, OP — and, worse, as though he’s setting himself up in competition with you and/or very dismissive of you. I’d have been upset too.

You'd think he'd want to make a good impression, if he cares about her.

Bloody hell, I think they were both really rude. You don't go and stay with your mum/your girlfriend's mum and then eat meals upstairs in your room.

My DD is autistic so sometimes I have to explain how her actions might make other people feel as she doesn't get it. Sometimes young adults can also be blind to the impact of their actions on those around them. Your DD might have been really embarrassed about how he behaved but not wanted to make a fuss or felt conflicted as she knows it's not what you would have expected.

That conversation is a tricky one to have andits a thin line between counselling her on responsibility, impact and consequences, without making her responsible for your emotions.

I had this with DD fella when she was 16. Took meals upstairs. I did say i wasn't happy that they didnt want to be downstairs at least just for a meal with us...and said i would like that odd time. It changed a bit lol. They want to spend time together, theyre young. However, watch him...is your daughter outgoing or shy and quiet?

Yeah that's not great is it ? He might be shy or whatever but being demanding isn't good in a relationship.

Yes I don't know if I'm being too sensitive . Obvs they want to spend time on their own but at the same time they're staying here and this is my home too and I've felt very uncomfortable. A few times I went to my room to give them space in the kitchen. Maybe that's it. They were treating the house like a student house just suiting themselves I guess

They were treating you like a leper in your own home - not her mother, and not his host. You're not being over-sensitive. This is not usual behaviour.

Good grief, two loved up kids spending 4 days together and want to spend it together , amd your response is so exteme?

Yeh thanks . Me and dd have always been close so j try to be very careful to not let her ever feel responsible for me or my feelings! But yeh I did feel uncomfortable. I wld
Have gone out I think if I hadn't been wfh

@Janieforever yep and that's the other side of it I'm being very silly and over sensitive. I e thought this too! And told myself to cop on