Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

[spanieleyes22]

So dd is 19 and her bf left last night after a 4 day visit. First time I met him. He seems nice very outgoing very confident. But I was left feeling a bit hurt as he seemed to want dd all to himself. Am probably being stupid. I think it's a slightly harder dynamic when you're a single parent or am I being stupid and over sensitive. Other boyfriends have always had dinner with us (me and ds) and have chatted to me a bit and maybe had a coffee with me (and ds and dd not just me lol) but this guy was very anxious to get dd alone. They had 1 dinner with us the night he arrived cos it was dd birthday and I was making a "special" tea. But other than that they had all their meals upstairs in her room. Just to say I'm not a bit clingy I was out at work 2 of the days 7-7 and working from home the other 2 days so I wasn't wanting to hang around with them. I asked about dinner every day just wanting to know but they made their own dinner and took it upstairs. One night it was around midnight they came in and cooked dinner. Ah look I'm easy going I do t mind. Just a couple of things yesterday . I was wfh and dd made coffee for us 3 and I assumed they would sit with me at the table as dd wanted to chat with me as we hadn't seen each other for a day or so due to me working and them being out. But I heard him say let's take it upstairs. He's not at all shy it's not that. I offered dd a lift to the station last night when he was leaving as it was very warm and she struggles with the heat but she asked him and he said ah no we can walk . Am being silly aren't I. Had a big cry last night as I feel like he's taking her away from us. Probably I just need to let go.

Sounds like he's treating OP's house as a rent-free dosshouse and I'm getting nasty vibes of him starting to isolate her daughter.

thought the perspective of someone his own age might help so here's my (20yo) take on it: honestly my bf acted like that when we first got together (3 years ago, i was 17 and he was 19)
set some ground rules with your daughter, but let teens be teens. (but please go over the safe sex talk again since she will very likely be doing it soon if she hasn't already)

Did your boyfriend refuse to talk to your parents or eat meals with them when a guest in their house?

Hi OP

Having read your updates such as "He talked to her directly at the meal about people me and dad don't know and if I tried to join in he just kinda ignored what I said. Like I say it's hard to work out why I'm upset"

And the fact that he sees your daughter having coffee with you but interrupts it to suggest taking it upstairs.

I do think this is more than 'being in love and wanting to spend all your time together'. Most people want to impress or get along with their partners family, not display some kind of dominance or make it into a competition about who spends most time alone together.

If he is like this at uni, she is in danger of being isolated from her friends, if he is like this there

I think I would speak to her. Not about house ground rules etc as I don't think that's the important thing here. It's the fact that she seems to defer to him on a lot of minor decisions and he doesn't seem happy about her interacting in a normal way with family that is a bit concerning. So I'd check in with her that she is OK and just comment that he didn't seem to want her to spend any time with you and give examples of him suggesting that they eat in their room, they take coffees upstairs, they walk instead of give lifts, not joining in with polite small talk. Lie and say you like him, and you're happy if she is happy, and you're fine with her not having lifts or coffee or whatever but it is a change in behaviour for her compared to what she has been like in other relationships and you just want to check in that she is happy, and she doesn't feel like she can't see family or friends if she wants

I've read most of this post and I can't shake why all this is on him and not your daughter (your feelings that is). Does she know you'd have wanted to be involved in the way you describe? She's the one who brought a guest?

I think it's ok to have some concern but I wonder if when you do speak up, you risk alienating her because you've already seen him as competition

I don't think you're being unreasonable. My 19 yo son doesn't act like this with girlfriends. He knows when he's a guest in another person's house that he needs to be respectful. He'd never suggest taking dinner to his girlfriends room!

When they both come back to my place after a night out they always come upstairs (bedroom on ground floor) to tell me they are home and they make some polite chat before going to his room.

I'd certainly be wary if you feel uncomfortable, he sounds controlling and rude to me.

It’s not “normal” behaviour to not want to ensure you get along well with those people close to the person you love. We are social animals and social connections are what drive us. His behaviour in avoiding you and not going out all guns to engage with you and ds (especially given dd said you were much loved by her) is not “normal”.

Ok teeenagers are pants at emotional intelligence, and their brains don’t stop developing until 22-24 we now know- but that last bit of development is more impulse control type stuff. but even so, most younger adults will still be driven to try to make a good impression and get along with partners parents especially on first few meetings - may fade if they decide once they know you that they hate you 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣.

its difficult to know what to say or not say to dd, she will get defensive at any hint of criticism. What I would say to her in a very casual way, before he visits agian, that you don want any guest she has eating in her room, that meals in your home are social affairs and unless going out you eat together. she and any guest can cook for you all f they want to eat their choice, but it is not a house of multiple occupancy . Tell her you didn’t say anything at time when bf stayed, as you were taken aback by it and didn’t expect you’d need to explain…but you’re now saying it is a house rule for any visitor staying with her in your home going forward. Will apply to ds as well.

id then be checking up on her regularly about what her social life is like. What has she been up to on her own, as opposed to stuff with bf. Look particularly carefully at accommodation next year - raise real concerns if she’s moving in with just him. She needs to be in house with a range of other friends to ensure she has a balanced social life. Now is not time to start “making home” with a love of her life.

If you get any indication he is monopolising her attention and affection, raise that as a concern in a relaxed way. There’s ways of doing that where you can be less than obvious. It may be harmless fixation stage of relationship by young man who doesn’t have a lot of xperiencenwithcrelationships and hall calm down over time. On the other hand there’s a few little red flutters that could indicate he is controlling.

Hopefully your DD will chuck this one back. He sounds very possessive and bad mannered and really should not be upsetting the balance in your home.

They may be young and immature, but this is rude behaviour and needs to be called out.

He is coming into your home and setting the rules. You need to nip this in the bud. If you’re having coffee / chatting with her and he looks to go upstairs you say to him she’ll be up shortly Young people often don’t consider how bringing partners to stay can affect family members or that it might be disruptive to other family members. He’s quite cheeky to come to your home and make you feel like that If he can dish it out he is well able to get it back.

Your not stupid. You're her mum and of course you miss and want to spend time with her. He's probably feeling shy and awkward being in your home. He may come out of his shell more next time.

He sounds rude AF tbh.

tell them no food upstairs and no late night cooking. They can do as they please and do all that stuff when they’re away at uni.

they both need to learn some respect for you and your home.

I think comments about him being controlling are probably a bit strong. My daughter is same age and at uni and we have to remember that they are used to their own space and independence. Playing devils advocate it’s hard meeting new partners family and spending time with them? Maybe check in with her about how things are but also recognise that they are wanting to make the most of their time together.

Anyone who eats in my house eats at the dining table, unless they are too ill to get out of bed.

Listen to your instincts and always set spme ground rules going forward. Also ask dd to drop you a message at least once a week. Speaking from experience child at university got sick and ended up in A and E. So best to always habe some regular contact.

If someone was a guest in my home (which he was) I would think it incredibly rude if he took his meals in the bedroom he was staying in. Mind you, when my young adult children are home they don't eat their meals in their bedrooms either, so it wouldn't occur to my daughter to do that if she was visiting with a friend.

I think he was rude, and so was she, and I would be having a serious conversation with her about it.

I think it’s rude since he was staying with you. I understand if they went out and came home way past dinner time and then made their own, or wanted to go out for dinner as a couple. But for him to insist in holing up in her room for meals and coffees when the family is eating or made those coffees is strange and inappropriate.

I think that sounds rude. He’s staying at your house having dinner together is an hour in their day.

He sounds bloody rude.

I'm not surprised you were upset.

Some ground rules like meals are eaten downstairs are probably a good idea next time.

He’s probably not had a very good example if he has a strained relationship with his own Mother. This personal experience could also be leading him to be wary of you.

He could be controlling and he might not even realise. They met when you weren’t around, so he’s used to a 121 dynamic with her.

I would gently and very kindly point some of this out to your daughter.
Ask her about his mother and then ask her ‘do you think why he wasn’t keen to get to know me very much?’ - This might even prompt her to encourage him to chat to you more!
Tell her that you’d love to know more about him and ask her what she likes/loves about him, that should give you some insight.

Next time ask what his favourite meal is and prepare it for a ‘family meal’

At first I thought you were being clingy and over-emotional but I think eating in her room is really weird and rude. Alright if it's a snack and they're watching something different on TV but every evening meal? Keep communicating with your DD, you don't need to wait for her to contact you. Try to involve both of them in conversations when you're all together.

Hmmm, my spidey senses are telling me something is off about this. And I'm really mindful of how young he is and that just wanting to be with your daughter 24/7 has to be taken into account.

BUT, most young people will want to ingratiate themselves with their in-laws to some degree and I actually think he was hugely disrespectful to you and your home. It seems to me like he actively didn't want you to spend any time with your daughter and that's a red flag for me. That, coupled with the fact that you have a close relationship and yet didn't hear from her for weeks when she got together with him is worrying. It's ok to be caught up in the first flush of youthful infatuation but this is not what you are describing. It sounds controlling.

Does your daughter understand what a healthy relationship is? And the importance of maintaining familial and friendship ties? That it's not just normal to do so but healthy? I think you need to have a heart to heart with your daughter. Not about his visit necessarily but more about what their dynamic is and whether they isolate themselves to this degree when in Uni. I'd also insist on keeping the lines of communication open. It's imperative that she has you to turn to if things don't go well and I'm make a point of keeping in touch and ensuring that you have phone/facetime conversations when he is not there so she can confide in your if she is at all worried.

I hope she dumps him!

I think from what you’ve said that if it was me in the situation it would have been the lack of wanting to build any kind of relationship with you and your ds especially if he’s hoping his relationship with your dd is going pan out long term.

they don’t need to spend all the time with you but the times they did, it was the ignoring your attempts at conversation and not joining you for even 5 mins before disappearing with coffees. It just appears that he doesn’t want to build any relationship.

For me, that would make me uneasy and have a slight worry moving forward. Although it would be difficult to voice and I’d probs let have to watch and wait as it played out.

I am also hearing alarm bells - he sounds like my friend’s abusive ex.

As you can’t be sure and it may be a complete over reaction, just keep in touch with her and definitely tell them they should be eating in the kitchen next time. Family meals may be a bit uncomfortable for teens, but they are important as they help you all to get to know each other.

I’ve read the other posts and you are not being over sensitive. You need to keep watch as it looks as though he is trying to isolate her and that’s a sign of controlling behaviour and a potentially toxic and abusive relationship. His behaviour was rude and the previous boyfriends are more typical of a healthy relationship. Personally, I think she is in trouble and doesn’t know it yet. Trust your gut. It’s there for a reason.