Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

[spanieleyes22]

So dd is 19 and her bf left last night after a 4 day visit. First time I met him. He seems nice very outgoing very confident. But I was left feeling a bit hurt as he seemed to want dd all to himself. Am probably being stupid. I think it's a slightly harder dynamic when you're a single parent or am I being stupid and over sensitive. Other boyfriends have always had dinner with us (me and ds) and have chatted to me a bit and maybe had a coffee with me (and ds and dd not just me lol) but this guy was very anxious to get dd alone. They had 1 dinner with us the night he arrived cos it was dd birthday and I was making a "special" tea. But other than that they had all their meals upstairs in her room. Just to say I'm not a bit clingy I was out at work 2 of the days 7-7 and working from home the other 2 days so I wasn't wanting to hang around with them. I asked about dinner every day just wanting to know but they made their own dinner and took it upstairs. One night it was around midnight they came in and cooked dinner. Ah look I'm easy going I do t mind. Just a couple of things yesterday . I was wfh and dd made coffee for us 3 and I assumed they would sit with me at the table as dd wanted to chat with me as we hadn't seen each other for a day or so due to me working and them being out. But I heard him say let's take it upstairs. He's not at all shy it's not that. I offered dd a lift to the station last night when he was leaving as it was very warm and she struggles with the heat but she asked him and he said ah no we can walk . Am being silly aren't I. Had a big cry last night as I feel like he's taking her away from us. Probably I just need to let go.

I'm pretty sure I was the same at 19 tbh. I went to visit my boyfriend not his family who I felt awkward around. I'm not shy but at that point I wasn't really used to spending time with people so much older than me and after a month or so apart from each other we were only really interested in seeing each other. I also remember feeling awkward about staying in someone's house who I didn't really know and he was my first boyfriend as well. I married my uni boyfriend and me and his mum get on great now, I regularly go and visit her with our kids for a week or so at a time and just leave my husband at home and I'm pretty sire I call her more than he does. So basically I personally wouldn't worry it's probably just a mixture of it their age, new relationship, having g spent time apart etc.

I think that there are two things to think about here: number 1) when a guest leaves your home you should not be crying in your room. That’s a strong physiological sign something is not right. Listen to that. Talk to DD. If he is possessive and controlling she needs to recognise signs and you need to have her back and help her see clearly. Don’t ignore your body. 2) Objectively, 19/20 year olds in love and spending a few days together are likely to be selfish and want to hunker down and be together. They are not thinking of you. They would rather be in their own space. You can react to this compassionately and let them have their time, or you can try to control it by ‘laying the ground rules’ etc etc. The latter is likely to push DD further away. Good luck OP. Sounds a tricky situation.x

He was very rude.

Self excluding, not taking the time to talk to you, not bothering to thank you for your hospitality / say goodbye properly.

Whoever dragged him up has done a poor job. He should be able to manage the bare basics in terms of manners in someone else’s home. Hopefully your DD will see him for what he is before too much longer.

Just let them get on with it but I have rules no food upstairs. Let them cook together- it’s nice they want to do that. Maybe let them eat alone by going out of the kitchen/diner when they eat or letting on the odd occasion on lap trays in the front room. Or say could you cook me some too ? As you say you normally see her a lot so let them have time together. If you’re not careful she will go to his house more & that would be worse!

Then you were just as rude as the boyfriend in this instance. Of course you wanted to see your boyfriend and that was the reason you were there, but you were a guest in his family's home and should have behaved as one.

I would definitely have some ground rules. Personally, for me, taking food and eating upstairs is a no. My son is only 13, and I won't allow food to be taken upstairs. Meals are eaten at the table. I would ask your daughter if next time, they could eat downstairs, they don't necessarily need to eat at the same time as you, but it should be at the table. I wouldn't have anyone cooking at midnight either! That's plain inconsiderate! It sounds as if perhaps the boyfriend is low on the self-awareness or simply doesn't understand the etiquette when you stay at the 'in-laws'. It's only polite to include everyone in conversations if you're eating together with the family, and you most certainly make sure you say goodbye properly, and say thank you for being allowed to stay. A calm, quiet word with your daughter is required! Don't make a big deal of it, but say there does need to be ground rules!

goodness you’ve a lot of rules.

Not really. I don't call being polite and considerate, rules. Basic manners really. When I stayed over at my boyfriends house, I always thanked his parents for letting me stay. As for not eating upstairs, that's my personal opinion, doesn't make it right or wrong. Eating at a table, isn't that just manners? Like I said, personal opinion. People can do what they like in their own home. As my son is only 13, I'm not in a position of having to deal with him having a girlfriend stay over! It's all to come!!

No food upstairs, not allowed to cook at midnight, have to eat at rhe table, habe to have a family wide conversation. Can you not remember being young?

We'll have to agree to disagree then won't we! Like I said opinions are personal. Yours differ from mine. That's perfectly fine. Funnily enough I remember my teens quite well, not bad for someone who's had a brain injury, and sometimes can't remember what I did last week!

I did. I've spoke to my MIL about this after reading it and she laughed and said she'd have found it weird if I'd behaved how OP was expecting the boyfriend to behave. I think their behaviour is totally normal and personally if someone's coming to visit someone else in my home I don't expect them to spend any time with me and I let them have their limited time together.