Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

[spanieleyes22]

So dd is 19 and her bf left last night after a 4 day visit. First time I met him. He seems nice very outgoing very confident. But I was left feeling a bit hurt as he seemed to want dd all to himself. Am probably being stupid. I think it's a slightly harder dynamic when you're a single parent or am I being stupid and over sensitive. Other boyfriends have always had dinner with us (me and ds) and have chatted to me a bit and maybe had a coffee with me (and ds and dd not just me lol) but this guy was very anxious to get dd alone. They had 1 dinner with us the night he arrived cos it was dd birthday and I was making a "special" tea. But other than that they had all their meals upstairs in her room. Just to say I'm not a bit clingy I was out at work 2 of the days 7-7 and working from home the other 2 days so I wasn't wanting to hang around with them. I asked about dinner every day just wanting to know but they made their own dinner and took it upstairs. One night it was around midnight they came in and cooked dinner. Ah look I'm easy going I do t mind. Just a couple of things yesterday . I was wfh and dd made coffee for us 3 and I assumed they would sit with me at the table as dd wanted to chat with me as we hadn't seen each other for a day or so due to me working and them being out. But I heard him say let's take it upstairs. He's not at all shy it's not that. I offered dd a lift to the station last night when he was leaving as it was very warm and she struggles with the heat but she asked him and he said ah no we can walk . Am being silly aren't I. Had a big cry last night as I feel like he's taking her away from us. Probably I just need to let go.

I don’t get the sense she doesn’t hear from her regularly? I barely go a couple hours without my daughter texting or calling me 🤣

You need to read the OP’s posts. She said that when her daughter got together with this guy she stopped contacting her mother who then didn’t hear from her for weeks and she was worried.

A few things stand out to me here, the first when you say "other boyfriends have sat down and had dinner with you" then it's "this is the first time you've met this boyfriend and he stayed 4 nights"

I'm sorry but until my daughter (or son) had been with their partner for quite a while and I had met them enough times previously to know that they were OK, they would not be staying overnight however old my kids were!!

I think he sounds very rude, clingy and controlling.
He was a guest in your home, ignored you and your son and made it clear he wanted your daughters company only.
He has a shit relationship with his mother and you have noticed that you have less contact with her.
I absolutely would be having a conversation with her about controlling relationships and the boiled frog analogy and how these things can creep up upon you.

An excellent book is Gavin de Beckers The gift of fear, would be worth gifting her

Your gut is telling you something is off. Trust it.

Definitely have a calm conversation where you tell her he seemed very clingy and controlling. You just want her to know that you are available at any time to talk and support her if she ever feels she needs you.
That is all parents can do I think, let them know you ALWAYS have their back.

There IS something substantial to complain about. He ignored you and your husband during dinner while being a guest in your house. He didn't say bye to your son while being a guest in your house. Eating "upstairs" is not a thing in my house and never will be, for him to assume he can eat his food in the bedroom of someone else's house is unacceptable. So yes, there is plenty to talk about with your daughter. Unfortunately you seem to focus on completely the wrong thing and avoid the real issue that your daughter is dating someone who needs to be taught some manners

Hum be careful with this, I had a boyfriend like this around this age and he became VERY controlling, under the guise of ‘loving me so much he wanted me to himself’ rubbish. I’d agree with what others say, set rules at your house as that would have helped me a lot, my parents were very relaxed so I just got carried away basically as a typical person pleaser! It took me about 18 months to realise he was cutting me off from everyone/everything

The bad manners is less important than him keeping her away from her family. The real issue is not manners. The real issue is he is controlling the daughter, isolating her from her family, even in the home, and probably from friends, too. I agree with the poster who says , he’ll be telling her , he loves her so much, he wants her to himself. These guys..and there are women like it , too, …are dangerous. Controlling, domineering, abusive, toxic, often violent.

The daughter won’t listen. We never do. She thinks she’s in love with the man of her dreams as he love bombs her. For now. To tell her that he is a monster behind a mask is a waste of time but her mother needs to try and be about, know where she is, for when it all goes bad. He will try to ensure she is trapped with him.

They’re 19, it won’t last anyway - try not to let it bother you too much !
I’m guessing he’s emotionally immature or has a different kind of parent / child relationship than you are fortunate enough to share with your DD.
In his eyes he’s in love and probably thinking he has little time, and wants to spend every last drop of it with DD, after all he isn’t dating her family. If he was a little more adult in his outlook, he might realise he needs to bend a bit, be a little more sociable with everyone else he is sharing space with and maybe even try to impress them for future SIL points ! But he’s not in that mindset yet, which you probably should be grateful for lol. Also, your daughter may start to see his family morals don’t align with hers, and it will fizzle out. In the meantime, make a few respectful ground rules and let her work it all out for herself, just be there for her and you’ll never lose her - she’s probably already way more like you than you realise !

I agree completely. She's only 19 now! How old was she when she started inviting boyfriends home and having them stay over?

Yep this

I might have misread this, did you say she's been home 3-4 weeks from uni? Have they seen each other at all in that time? Because if they haven't seen each other much, I'm not surprised they didn't want to eat with the family every night. Tbh me and my partner have a great relationship with my parents but in the early days there is no way we would have eaten every dinner with them during visits.

I’d find that quite rude. When DS’s GF comes to stay they have a good balance of time in his room and time with me / dog / his sister. They are happy to come for family meals or just sit and chat. She’s very considerate actually and very polite too and they’d never take their dinner (which i always cook) to their room.

With my daughter's boyfriends, I could always tell who was brought up well and had a reasonable relationship with their own mum and equally I could tell who hadn't.

My heart used to sink with the latter - they were more controlling, insecure, had no real manners and basically thought I should fuck off out of my own house and leave them alone. It definitely affected how often my daughter was in touch.

Most didn't last long but one was around for a couple of years and it did so much damage.

I wish I'd spoken to my daughter about it and that's what I'd advise you to do now. You run the risk of her telling him and making it worse, that's the problem, so you'll have to phrase it carefully, but these will be things she's noticed herself. I think now I would say, "It's nice that you have your boyfriend staying but I think with him - compared to (other boyfriends) - I feel like he wishes I wasn't here. It's not a student flat, you know - this is my home and you're both here receiving my hospitality, but you have to know that it's not nice for me when someone does X, Y, Z in my home. I know BF doesn't get on with his own mum, but make sure his experiences don't damage our relationship. You're everything to me and I would hate to lose you to anyone."

I think that's the norm, who wants to sit with their girlfriends or boyfriends mum !
I'm going to face it one day and it won't be nice, but I'm going to remember I wrote this and take my own advice 💋
I mean it would take much to sit for Free minutes before leaving

I don't think it's that he's purposely pulling her away from you as such, it's just that HE has absolutely no interest in you or her family and isn't polite enough or caring about your daughter enough to pretend he does which is really off putting in a potential partner of your child. Id feel like if someone really loved my child they'd be keen to make an effort with their family . I suppose in the future this could impact your relationship with her if they live together and he isn't keen on spending time with you all, I would feel really gutted if my child's partner lacked effort with us, and it's not that I want attention from them or want attention from my child even, I'd just hope they'd meet a lovely person who cares about their family and will become part of it because it's part of my child's life and shows care and willing to make them happy.

I don't think it's that he's purposely pulling her away from you as such, it's just that HE has absolutely no interest in you or her family and isn't polite enough or caring about your daughter enough to pretend he does which is really off putting in a potential partner of your child

I think there is a bit more to it than that. When people haven't been brought up properly they can be resentful at normal family life and try to make their partner pick a side, ie him.

His behaviour does seem a bit odd. As a teen, young twenty something I would never have been bold enough in a partners parents home to say, on numerous occasions, right let's go, let's take the coffee upstairs etc. Seems strange. I'd have a chat with your daughter and just ask how things are going, say you noticed a couple of odd things but you don't want to make an issue of it but does he always do things like that? Is there a reason he was stand offish. To not say thanks or bye properly before he left too is weird. Hopefully it's just that he was a bit shy/awkward being at your home for the first time and hopefully he will warm up to you guys. But I'd keep an eye on it.

You’re upset because you’re her mum and your gut is telling you that this boy’s behaviour is concerning. His sole focus might be on visiting your dd but he is a guest in YOUR home which includes you and your ds. At best he has awful basic manners in every aspect and at worst he is controlling and divisive. Or something inbetween. If you don’t want to say anything this time you can only keep as careful an eye as you can at a distance. If she keeps seeing him and he is going to stay again, that would be the time to tell dd that you and ds weren’t very comfortable with their arrangements last time so this time it needs to be x y and z instead. She who pays the bills makes the rules!

I really don’t think you’re being over sensitive here OP. I think it’s very rude to make no effort to get to know you, you and your daughter must be fairly close so he should know you are important to her and WANT to ingratiate himself to you. That being said, if it’s his first serious relationship he might just be emotionally immature and not realise he’s being rude, plus no doubt caught up in the excitement of a new girlfriend and indeed wanting her to himself.
I would go easy on yourself, and them on this occasion, but definitely keep an eye on him as this could be a red flag if it continues.

(Also I think it’s fair to insist on a shared meal in the evening, they are in your house after all and it’s reasonable to want to get to know him better!)

Totally agree! And the whole taking good up yo the bedroom to eat it alone together is weird

Our gut instincts are there for a reason OP. I don't like the sound of this fella and you need to keep an eye on him. Tricky though if they're at uni.

I have two DDs (early 20s) and none of their partners have behaved like this. Oh thinking about it, one was a dick, and we banned him from the house. Thankfully DD saw the light eventually, let's hope yours does.

I don't expect to hang out with them all the time, but they need to be polite and gracious. This one is just bloody rude and weird.

When you say you didn't hear from your DD for weeks after she met him. Presumably you messaged/rang her occasionally did you? She just didn't reply much?

I'd be upset too, you're not stupid for your feelings! Don't talk yourself out of them!

I think you're reacting to being a close and social family and his refusal to engage. I think his personality chatty/social didn't match his behavior not chatty to you or your son. I would feel this and respond to it as well.

Also first meeting I'd be really grateful to be able to stay, maybe a present and make an effort. He did the opposite and isolated.

I'd worry that if they got serious and moved in together they'd not visit because she's not a family person. Don't get me wrong some people don't have strong attachments to family, and that's ok but what you've got is someone with a different dynamic and I'm the future they might not see you much because she wants her to herself.

That's a catastrophising response but a realistic one to when taken to extreme (and happened to my friend who is so close) it's only after they broken up she realized how much she was isolated by him and how she wanted someone to join in, not separate.
So I get that underlying fear of losing her.

Maybe he was just nervous and he's not done it, and hes not close to his family like that, before but I completely understand your reaction and hopefully it'll improve next time and future times. :)

It’s a tricky one. The behaviour doesn’t sound great so I would have a chat to DD about that, it’s kind of rude treating your home like a holiday let rather than a visit with family. She’s an adult now and that’s not ok. I’d be concerned about BFs feelings for DD long term if he’s not interested in getting to know her family. It feels like she wants the kind of commitment that visiting family suggests whereas he just wants a weekend of fun. That’s something for them to work out though!

Hmm..

He does sound rude, and potentially controlling.

Whether that is because he is just horribly unsocialised and hasn't been taught how to interact appropriately, be a polite and easy going house guest, and your daughter is being a bit of a people pleaser, or there is something actually malicious in his behaviour, I don't know.

I think I'd have a quiet chat with her about him at some point - gently, and carefully. Probably remind her not to lose herself and her desires/feelings/personality in order to please or appease someone else.

I would certainly counter the 'he felt excluded' comment - he excluded himself from interacting with anyone at every opportunity he had! That was all his own work and she really does need to see that - put the ball back in her court, as her what she thinks you could have done differently - she'll not be able to come up with anything constructive, I bet!

I have just exactly the same experience with my 19 yo dd and her girlfriend! 4 days and I hardly saw either of them! Felt like I didn't really get a chance to get to know her. Other dd has a boyfriend who sits and chats, so it felt a bit off, but I guess everyone is different. Dd's girlfriend lives quite far away and they are a fairly new relationship and won't see each for a while, so I let them off. Young love and all that...