Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

[spanieleyes22]

So dd is 19 and her bf left last night after a 4 day visit. First time I met him. He seems nice very outgoing very confident. But I was left feeling a bit hurt as he seemed to want dd all to himself. Am probably being stupid. I think it's a slightly harder dynamic when you're a single parent or am I being stupid and over sensitive. Other boyfriends have always had dinner with us (me and ds) and have chatted to me a bit and maybe had a coffee with me (and ds and dd not just me lol) but this guy was very anxious to get dd alone. They had 1 dinner with us the night he arrived cos it was dd birthday and I was making a "special" tea. But other than that they had all their meals upstairs in her room. Just to say I'm not a bit clingy I was out at work 2 of the days 7-7 and working from home the other 2 days so I wasn't wanting to hang around with them. I asked about dinner every day just wanting to know but they made their own dinner and took it upstairs. One night it was around midnight they came in and cooked dinner. Ah look I'm easy going I do t mind. Just a couple of things yesterday . I was wfh and dd made coffee for us 3 and I assumed they would sit with me at the table as dd wanted to chat with me as we hadn't seen each other for a day or so due to me working and them being out. But I heard him say let's take it upstairs. He's not at all shy it's not that. I offered dd a lift to the station last night when he was leaving as it was very warm and she struggles with the heat but she asked him and he said ah no we can walk . Am being silly aren't I. Had a big cry last night as I feel like he's taking her away from us. Probably I just need to let go.

Agreed. That's why I've said to talk to her. But he should also know that's not how you behave, and he's the guest so I expect him to behave better.

Thanks some of these messages kinda echo what I was struggling to put my finger on. For me I find it a bit lonely navigating all this on my own it would be nice to have a partner to share notes with iukwim. I know not everyone struggles though @willWillSmithsmith It's always been easy come easy go here too . Was for this visit too!! I didn't put any pressure on them at all let them do what they wanted. I tho k family meals can be cringe for teenagers and have often let dd have food in her room with her friends. These 2 are nearly 20 though and pretty well rounded. Neither are socially awkward or shy they can both talk very well and have lots of friends so I can't put the avoidance of family meals down to that this time! Anyway like I said I don't actually want to hang out with a loved up couple lol. I was just trying to work out why I felt upset and this thread is helping thank you everyone!

Yeh no gift for me which I thought was a bit meh. I know he is a student but ... that's bugging me too. Dd had a job for the summer but he doesn't which is annoying me as he is always saying he has no money I heard him when they were planning where to go one day

He could be just rude, or he could be controlling.

Try and get your dd out on a walk/drive to have a good general chat about things, I find they open up more when they don't feel they're being grilled.

He sounds like a bellend all round OP, I would be keeping everything crossed that he doesn't last 😁. You are absolutely not being over sensitive or silly and don't minimise your feelings. I think lots of single parents are prone to being endlessly understanding and flexible and tolerant of their children, sometimes maybe because there isnt another adult there to say 'well that was a bit off' or 'show more respect to your mum/dad'. There is a gender dimension to it too, I wonder would he have been as rude and somewhat domineering if there was another man in the house? I'm a single mother myself so I recognise some of the dynamics, indeed I had a bit of it with my own son when he was about 14 but I shut that shit down very fast.

@hammering I agree with this. You got upset because you could sense something was off and were probably shocked someone could be so rude to you in your own home, so you couldn't make sense of it. My dad would have hit the roof if I brought a boyfriend home who acted like that!

Also agree about going for a long walk, dinner etc and let DD open up. She's young and navigating this kind of relationship is hard. Let her feel she can always come to you. The visit is done, leave that be so DD isn't anxious about bringing him home again.

I know it can be harder when you’re on your own, no one to bounce off if you’re feeling a bit alone or unsure of something. I hope the lad proves to be nice though and not a jerk if she continues to see him 🤞

Sounds rude and suffocating.

Surely they can eat in the communal area at least.

I think if she mentions the visit I'd comment that he was a bit rude and its a family home not a hotel. Wouldn't have killed him to be a bit more sociable.

You're not stupid op, he sounds rude. No one wants to feel excluded in their own home. He may be fine or your gut instinct could be onto something, too early to tell.

My kids always said they hated eating with the parents of their mid-teen friends, it was always awkward and I remember feeling the same at their age. (It was always a bit Kevin and Perry, ‘yes Mrs Pattinson’). As they were at my home to ‘hang out’ with my kids the eating arrangements were very informal.

I know this scenario is a bit different but is it more his lack of manners that’s upset you rather than lack of you spending time with them?

Nothing miraculous happens to people when they turn 18, social graces and manners have to be learned and built over time, including having exactly those awkward encounters and figuring out how to manage them. And it's not all about one set of peoples feelings (I.e the children). I have expectations of a certain standard of what for most of human civilisation would have been considered perfectly normal behaviour, if people are guests in my home, I expect those to be filled to at least a degree. I wouldn't like anyone to feel dreadfully awkward obviously but neither would I assume that was the default.

My kids (young adults) have great manners and can be taken anywhere, they are extremely polite.

No job and no money?!
Is he a young cocklodger in the making?

I think you need to educate your daughter on a few things pronto, before he moves into her house share.

He’s a uni student.

Wow you’re really filling your boots now on judging this young lad.

Well he doesn't sound like a good'un, does he?

No manners, no job. What a catch.

I’m with you op. Trust your instincts. He doesn’t seem polite or very mature.

He is a guest in your home,which you pay for and maintain and you live there, and for which you provide heat, warmth, food etc, and yet he wanders in and cuts you out of the equation, except for the first night, like you don’t exist.

If they wanted a holiday where they were exclusively in one another’s company, then they should have gone back-packing together or something.

Your dd is partly to blame because she should have said something like, “no we usually eat together as a family a couple of nights a week” and “no mum is running us to the station”. It’s a bit concerning that she follows his lead so readily.

If he was well brought up then he would express gratitude for having somewhere to stay, include you in their plans at least a couple of times (and as you say, you had no wish to muscle in all of the time) offer to shop and cook one night, and take you and your dd out one time, even if he could only afford to buy both a cup of coffee.

Of course the difficulty is knowing whether he is just immature and will improve with age or not? Many young men do. Dramatically so in some cases. Or if he is someone who is permanently focused on his own wishes?

And yes he should have turned up with something; even if it’s a packet of his favourite biscuits or a pkt of posh coffee.

A very wise post ^

Hmm, that is rude and he's probably put your daughter in an awkward position as he is the guest.
I don't know, I think you need to tread carefully as your daughter may feel torn between you, but maybe have a gentle word when he leaves?

Ds just told me he felt a bit excluded and he never comments . One day I was at work and dd was at work (can't say that didn't irritate me when he stayed in bed while she went to work at 6am) but anyway da and he were in the house alone and da got up around 930 - he likes being up "early"! Anyway later in the morn ds came downstairs and he was in the front room with the door closed. Maybe ds should
Have gone in and said hi but he felt awkward as we never ever close that door except maybe in the winter watching a movie . Anyway ds had to go out then for an hour and when he came back he was gone. I'm afraid that doesn't endear him to me or doesn't help. Anyway will reserve judgment. Hopefully it's a case of immaturity and confusion that it's not a student house it's a home. But manners cost nothing my mother used to say!

I would tell your daughter how you feel, no need to keep it bottled up.

He literally has no clue how to behave. It’s not you, it’s him.

Yes, why was eating upstairs even an option?
Your daughter was unbelievably rude and disrespectful so I am not sure why you think it was his fault.

At 19 I could get on with my boyfriends family and I always liked them more than my own family. He sounds rude.