Over heard DH on the phone

[Misschananderlerbongg]

I really am genuinely wondering if I’m being unreasonable.

Just overheard DH on the phone and it was clear at the other end his friend was talking about the fact his wife had just had a boob job. They’re not close friends.

DH then said ‘I can only dream, that would be amazing’.

Then ‘every Man I know that paid for it had said it was a great investment, money well spent, no one has regretted it’. He’s brought this up with me before.

Then ‘oh I know it’s a no go here, she wouldn’t go for it’ in a very sad voice.

‘It needs to be initiated by the woman, I can’t bring it up’. Then what a lucky guy you are type chat.

This has made me very upset for a few reasons:

1. I have small boobs, but have breast fed 2 kids and think they’re in pretty good shape
2. it’s major surgery and he’s seen me go through major medically required surgery
3. HE has put on weight, I have not and I never comment on it and wouldn’t dream or commenting on it
4. He never compliments me or makes me feel sexy, and now I know he doesn’t like my boobs.

But I’m tired and emotional and keen to understand if I’m in the wrong? It just feels like a betrayal to talk about my body like this 😔

All you people trying to cheer yourself/each other/the OP up with tales of how different breast sizes and shapes become popular, so one day yours/theirs/hers will be acceptable and maybe even desirable...

Listen to yourselves and give your head a wobble.

You're also relying on validation from others on whether your own body is acceptable. Whether it's Ruben's, HBO or thick white van man OP husband, you're looking at your own breasts through someone else's lens. Stop it.

I have the impression the relationship has been difficult for some time and this comment may be the final straw that broke the camel's back

OP, I can't imagine my DH discussing my body in this way. It's hugely disrespectful

Hey OP

You sound like a wonderful woman who is trying very hard in your marriage. Could I suggest trying much less, as it seems you're the one putting in all the emotional labour?

I was glad to read your update and see that you woke up and were still enraged. As women, I believe that we are often socialised to suppress our anger. However, I think it's about time more men copped the brunt of it. Particularly in this case where your husband has been so exceptionally cruel and shallow. He has betrayed you. And now that he's been caught put, he's trying to backpedal and protest that he 'didn't mean it like that.' So how exactly did he mean it then? His response is immature and pathetic and he appears concerned primarily with what 'trouble' he is in, like a small child.

Also, I would be very interested to get him to state and commit to what he is actually going to do over the long term to make things right. Apologies are very easy - they are, after all, just words - but sustained behavioural change is another level entirely.

I agree with other PP that bringing this up with your marriage counsellor would be worthwhile. That is, if you can even be bothered trying in this marriage anymore. I think you deserve far, far more than you're getting from this wanker.

My wife has been a few different shapes and sizes over the years. I've never commented, but i definitely have a preference. I've always loved her body though, because it birthed our kids, worked itself to the bone to build our business, nursed us all through ill health. At this point, i kind of feel like my actual sexuality is bonded to her body, i can't imagine being with anyone else. Honestly, this is an absolutely disgusting way to talk about your wife. He should be ashamed of himself, and it shows something very fundamentally wrong with your marriage.

He’s put on weight and he’s complaining about your body?

Breast surgery is serious stuff. Has he had a vasectomy? Would be prepared to have major surgery, medically unnecessary, because you thought something about his body wasn’t good enough?

crikey, every time I read this sort of post I am thankful to be single.

I hope you find some resolution of this @Misschananderlerbongg because it must be very hard for you at the moment.

I’d be upset and casually mention that I was discussing the investment of penis enlargement surgery with my friend. Watch his face …

OP, I mean this kindly but you need to take a deep breath and refuse to give him this power.
You have had two children, breast fed, which isn't easy, and you have worked hard to keep in shape.

NONE of the above is easy.
But YOU have done it.
This is a man who has form for not supporting you.
He sounds like a little man-child that is devoid of any self respect.
What decent man speaks like this about his wife?
He sounds as if is quietly jealous of your achievements and he withholds support of you as subtle punishment.

He certainly isn't connected and cherishing of you.
To speak of your body like that with someone is so profoundly disrespectful and disconnected.

You deserve so much better.
Do not allow this excuse of a man to take any more from you, he simply isn't worth it.

I think you know your marriage is doomed.
I think you need to move into a spare bedroom and do everything from a place of suiting yourself.
Stop making any effort whatsoever with him.
You have done what you could to safe this dead duck marriage.
Instead start planning your future and get those ducks in a row.

Keep those that love you close and lean on them.
YOU are a strong woman and you will get through this.
We are here for you.
You deserve so much better than him.
Keep reminding yourself of that.

Your boobs are not his property. He has no say in it. Dream on, mate!

Hope you're doing OK today.

p.s. Big books are a nightmare. Wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy

Nope, a penis extension.

Losing weight doesn't involve money, surgery, recovery, check ups etc. THAT is the reality of what he wants his wife to do to be "acceptable" to his fat self.

Urgh. My first thought was 'well, I'd never be having sex with him again if that was my husband!' What a truly horrible conversation to have with someone.
I'm so sorry OP.

I think I'd have to raise it with him directly. Tell him exactly how hurt and upset he has made you with his comments. And don't let him get away with 'oh I was only joking'...you really do need for him to understand how hurtful his comments were. He's not exactly a good role model for your two boys is he?

And if he still doesn't get it, explain to him that you'd like for him to have his penis enlarged as you'd prefer a bigger one...

Fucking knob.

@Misschananderlerbongg you deserve to be with a guy that goes ‘oh great mate they sound fun,……… but nah I wouldn’t change misschandler for the world’

I would struggle to get past this too even if my partner DID regularly compliment me, I couldn’t forget hearing this

If you have to spell this out to your partner, you're already on a hiding to nothing.

He sounds an utter dick.
I'd sign his email up for some body improvement type sites - gyms/ weight loss and see how he likes the implications he needs to improve himself. Ask him how he would like to over hear you discussing with your friends their husband's penis enlargement ops and your sad voice about he wouldn't entertain it. If he suggests he doesn't need one - laugh out load and keep laughing.

I'd have interrupted him mid phone call and very loudly asked whether he would be willing to donate some of his man boob because it might make the procedure cheaper.

Sorry your husband is a prick.

This would be a great topic for your next couples therapy session btw.

It’s quite obviously a complete objectification of a woman. Unless the implants increased the woman’s sensitivity, which I very much doubt they do, then this is all about the men’s needs and nothing about the woman. In fact if implants decrease sensitivity then you have to wonder why they would be sexy to men.

Surely what is sexy is, turning your partner on?

I have one fake breast – reconstructed after a mastectomy. My partner never gives it any attention unless I ask him to, (even though it’s a bit more pert and firmer than my real one) because I have limited sensitivity in it. I’m sure he can’t see the point.

If your man likes the idea of fake breasts Maybe make him a pair out of Play-Doh and he can play with them when you’re out of the house or otherwise busy . Job done.

Or just put a jam jar in the kitchen labelled penis extension fund and ask everyone to donate generously.

There was nothing to catch. The man is talking about other men's wife's breast enlargement.

Good for you OP. You should be proud of your body and all it has achieved. I've watched my own Mum struggle with her confidence because of a man and I hope you never ever let him change how your feel about yourself.

I think it's off to say small boobs are in too.

Ffs talking about women's bodies as fashion accessories and what's in and out.

Women are no better than men sometimes.

It's just a depressing fact that women's bodies go in and out of fashion - and worth reminding yourself of when you think your body doesn't fit the current beauty standard.

It's all fickle. The fact your body doesn't fit the standard means nothing, because that standard changes all the time. I think it brings you back down to earth to remember that, rather than thinking one body type is definitively thought of as more attractive than another. It always changes

Eg, 90s/00s = skinny and huge breasts were in, 10s = huge bums, 20s = smaller boobs

I agree! It's so damaging to treat aspects of women's bodies like fashion trends that go in an out of favour. I was going to say it's an insidious shift toward expecting women to modify their bodies, rather than just using padding and corsetry to achieve certain silhouettes, because of ubiquitousness of plastic surgery, but there was the flapper aesthetic in the 1920s. I'm sure there are lots of other examples of women mutilating and modifying their bodies such as centuries of Chinese footbinding. Women have to stop perpetuating this toxic shit.

Delightful misogyny.

With women with these attitudes who needs men.

I'd be so, so hurt and put off by this, and disgusted by any friend saying similar about their partner. Grim comments on so many levels.
You are clearly an accomplished, strong person and I'm sure your body looks great as well as having achieved amazing things by growing and feeding your children.
My DP is my biggest cheerleader (including about my body and small boobs, but in a million other ways too) and I think it's the bare minimum to ask of a partner. Life is hard and the last thing you need is the closest person to you sowing doubts or failing to give you a boost when you need it.
Are you having individual therapy as well as couples? Do you have trusted friends/family you could talk to, at least to get some cheerleading if you don't want to share the DH issue yet? It sounds like it goes beyond these comments and is worth seriously weighing up what he and the relationship add to your life.

It IS misogyny that women's bodies are subjected to trends, I agree.

I don't understand why you think me stating these trends exist makes me mysogonytistic? I don't agree with or perpetuate these trends.

But if you look even at plastic surgery numbers for different procedures - or the type of bodies glamoured throughout history - there are definite trends for different eras