ADHD husband's 'shutdowns'

[HebburnPokemon]

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by raising this as a concern - my husband thinks I am.

Around a few times each month, my (unmedicated) ADHD-diagnosed husband will suddenly 'shutdown', meaning he goes quiet, rejects affection, can't explain what's wrong (other than 'feeling anxious'), is non-communicative, rejects sex, etc. At best, he'll reluctantly give me a kiss if I ask for one. He ignores my attempt to cuddle him or any kind of physical contact. There will be minimal communication. This will last a few days.

This makes me feel confused, lonely and anxious myself. I've tried raising my concerns in a serious tone and a light-hearted tone. He says I'm being selfish.

AIBU? How can I manage this situation?

I couldn't cope with that, treading on eggshells and feeling that uncomfortable in my own home, it sounds like a horrible way to live.

You're not being selfish, him refusing to address the issue is selfish.

It’s a neurological response that’s beyond his control.

I think it would be good for you both to increase understanding of this, for him to be able to minimise the frequency and intensity of shutdown and for you to understand it as neurological rather than behavioural, and not take it personally.

This OP
ADHD er and have done a lot of work on myself.
Also autistic husband used to have this occasionally but we worked out what was causing it - no longer happens.

The shutdown here IMO isn't the issue it's that he's just called you selfish. Understandably you are worried and if you have kids a shutdown just leaves you as the default parent.

Deal-breaker.

I think it a good place to start would be to educate yourself about shutdowns and adhd. I say that in a kind way. It is probably as result of overwhelm and stress and not something he will be able to control per se, but rather part of his disability. It most likely isn’t about you, also said in a kind way. This comes from someone diagnosed as autistic and adhd.

I don't know the answer, but I can tell you that you are not alone with this. I am dealing with the same situation. I have read a lot about shutdowns and why they happen, and it makes it easier to understand, but I do sometimes end up feeling like my needs and feelings are unimportant.

Is this new behaviour? If it bothers you so much (it would definitely upset me) why did you marry him?

Has he explained what is going on and why things have changed if it is a new thing?

I'm not ND.

I have had similar issues due to mental illness.

When I have one of these shut downs my body and mind are completely overwhelmed and I usually just go to my bedroom and sleep in silence.

I can talk to people if necessary but it's obviously slow and anyone can tell that I'm very ill.

A cuddle or affection doesn't help me as I need sleep and rest.

Think of it as like having a migraine - the person needs sleep and rest,

His shutdowns may not be like my shutdowns. I don't know.

To be honest who wants to be all cuddly and that every single day? Isn't this normal to not want affection & sex constantly?

You shouldn't of married him if you couldn't cope with his neurospiciness.

It's all right to be so fed up with a disability, visible or not, that you want to leave the situation. We aren't all Mother Theresa.

What can he do to address the issue? It's always been this way. He's currently awaiting ADHD meds which I'm hoping will help. He gets quite angry when I try to raise my concerns.

If it's relevant, he was raised in a 'sulking' household. His mum once sulked for 2 weeks straight hiding in her bedroom. Not sure if that's relevant because most of the time he can't say what has triggered his anxiety/shutdown.

I feel a bit sick inside, to be honest.

I want to understand. Do these things just happen randomly? Is this frequency normal for an ADHD person - will meds help?

Well if it’s “always been this way” why is it suddenly a problem?

@HebburnPokemon it's usually down to sensory overload or being overwhelmed. I shut down like this if I have to much stress on my shoulders.
Sometimes we need to shut the world out and regroup ourselves and come back when things feel more manageable. It's not something medication will help, its literally how our brains work.
(Diagnosed autistic)

YANBU. A few times a month lasting for a few days, so essentially this could be happening almost every week.

You’re not being selfish, you’re supposed to be partners. This is no way to live, for you or him. Doesn’t sound like he’s making any attempt to understand his own behaviour other than to say it’s fine because it’s ADHD, yet you need to be more understanding?

Does he work - does he have to shut out work for a few days a few times a month?

Sounds like overwhelm or paralysis. He just needs some space. Can you not just give him some physical and mental spacevforvsvreecdatsveach month (assuming he is pulling his weight in terms of his responsibilities etc).

He needs to let you know when he's feeling that way and explain why and explain it's not your fault.
He can do things to help himself feel more comfortable without it hurting you

"I do sometimes end up feeling like my needs and feelings are unimportant."

I said something similar to this to him today and he aggressively flounced out of the room.

What I find most scary is not knowing what triggers these episodes. It feels helpless.

Is this pattern of behaviour (spontaneous shutdowns that last days) just par for the course when married to someone with ADHD? A case of put of with it, or leave?

It's my birthday tomorrow and I guess it's going to be horrible :(

I need help to stop taking a selfish stance on this. I'm overwhelmed by how it's making me feel rather than being a good wife. What would being a good wife look like in this situation? Giving him space? Occupying myself?

I have ADHD and it sounds like burnouts to me. I’m just hitting one myself and honestly it’s awful, you want to pull yourself out of it but you can’t. It’s the result of a constant feeling of overwhelm, all the sensory input, your brain going at 100mph constantly and never being able to shut it off. Feels like you’re running constantly and never resting and it’s exhausting. Doesn’t help that my toddler is still waking me 4+ times a night, I’m so tired but I go to bed and cannot sleep because my brain is constantly flicking through 50 open tabs at breakneck speed.

For me it only hits every few months but it’s when I’ve got nothing left, when I was younger it came out as depression and I’d go to bed for a few weeks. Now I have small kids and I can’t do that, I try and do as much self care as possible so can get through it in a couple of days. All I can say is this isn’t about you, he’s not in control of it, and understanding that really helps. But there is some self awareness he can get, self care practices he can work on to mitigate it and improve things. What’s his understanding of the situation when it happens?

I'm not adhd but I have these.

They are triggered by anxiety for me.

So for me they are triggered by being with a critical man. So for example I had one after going into a meeting with an auditor at work when I knew we were going to fail the audit and management were expecting me to lie to him.
I've also had them after a man has criticised my playing (I play a musical instrument in a band).

A good way to try to analyse what is causing them is to use the ABC method.

So this is where every time a shutdown happens you write down:

A - antecedents - what happened before the shutdown

B - behaviour - what actually happened during the shutdown

C - consequences - what happened as a result if the shutdown.

You will find as you collect data there is a pattern. From that you can try to work out what triggers the shutdowns.

What you will find (probably) is that he cannot control the shutdown once he is in it.

However there are things he can do to make it more likely that they don't happen. Anti anxiety meds like duloxetine or sertraline can help. If his shutdown is panic attack like then propranolol might help.

It didn't happen for the first year of our relationship because he self-medicated with alcohol. When he realised he had a drinking problem, he went t-total. Then ADHD came to the surface. He has only recently been diagnosed.

Unfortunately I know all about these (ADHD and autism). It's when I've been pushed to my limits with work, study, life admin, etc. One metaphorical Jenga block of energy at a time, then I come tumbling down and need to sensorily deprive myself for a bit. Bed, darkness, earplugs, just shutting everything and everyone out for a while. It's the only way to cope.

It doesn't mean it's anyone's fault, rather a culmination of stressors over a period of time.

I didn’t say it wasn’t ok. Nothing in the op suggested that she wanted to leave her dh. I read it as the op wanting to make the situation better for both parties.

Why do you feel sick?

My DD has shutdowns. They can’t be helped. It’s a physical thing. He likely finds the whole thing embarrassing and frightening.

Your DH refuses to discuss your concerns, gets angry and therefore you're walking on eggshells. No idea if this is due to ADHD or not, but the outcome is that you're not being heard and you're afraid to be yourself.

I'm a physical person. It's my primary love language.

I think you're suggesting we are not compatible? When he's not in shutdown, we are highly compatible.

The switch in his character catches me off-guard, and then hovers over us like a cloud.