ADHD husband's 'shutdowns'

[HebburnPokemon]

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by raising this as a concern - my husband thinks I am.

Around a few times each month, my (unmedicated) ADHD-diagnosed husband will suddenly 'shutdown', meaning he goes quiet, rejects affection, can't explain what's wrong (other than 'feeling anxious'), is non-communicative, rejects sex, etc. At best, he'll reluctantly give me a kiss if I ask for one. He ignores my attempt to cuddle him or any kind of physical contact. There will be minimal communication. This will last a few days.

This makes me feel confused, lonely and anxious myself. I've tried raising my concerns in a serious tone and a light-hearted tone. He says I'm being selfish.

AIBU? How can I manage this situation?

"Are you seeing an at least an equal amount of effort on his part to keep the show in the road" is a quote from you.

The problem with this is that burnout looks like a lack of effort, when in reality, the person is peddling like crazy.

No one said that OP was demanding sex. What we are saying is that demanding physical affection when a person is not in the mood can feel like demanding sex.

Why is it silly? He cannot will away burnout any more than he can will away a broken leg.

@LameBorzoi I didn't say effort during a burnout. Or what type of effort. It stands to reason that if one partner is weighing in more than the other and resentment builds the relationship will fail. Especially if one of the partners is feeling unheard and on eggshells about raising their needs. It's not going to work.

Effort might look like arranging a good time to talk about how to move forward in a way that works for both. It might look like coming up with some kind of code word that can be used for when words aren't available. And the responsibility for working out how to function and be a reasonable partner in a healthy relationship falls equally to both parties, regardless of a diagnosis.

Ok. Why are you comparing ADHD to a broken leg? In what ways are they similar.

If he's waiting for medication then he's dealing with it isn't he? He can't magic the meds quicker unless you can both afford for him to go private. I get my ADHD medications privately too as NHS waiting list was at least a 2 year wait due to understaffing of mental health resources and national shortages of ADHD medication.

The difference medication makes to my life is night and day. When I came off them 5 years ago to breast feed I was unemployable - kept quitting jobs and getting overwhelmed. Back on them now and I'm able to function day-to-day and almost thriving in my career.

I think the conversation to have with your husband is whether you as a family have the budget for him to go through medication titration privately. Once he's on the medication he'll be able to start working on implementing the routines and habits that will prevent him reaching the stage of complete overwhelm and shutdown.

They are similar in that they both impair your ability to function. OP's husband has ADHD and is unmedicated - his ability to function mentally will be severely impaired until he is treated. Just like someone with a physical injury will be physically impaired from functioning until the injury is treated.

Or....he has adhd. Like him and op acknowledged rather than extrapolated projection

I acknowledge he might have adhd. Sorry, am I missing the point of mumsnet or something? We use our life experience to suggest what is going on. OP can take or leave it. Your post is unnecessary and mean.

What do you mean he ‘might’ have ADHD? He’s been diagnosed.

Why do you think it’s silly?

I wasn't mean. I stated a fact. To me, your post was minimising a diagnosed disability which was offensive to me going on about sulking and narcissism when the man has been diagnosed with the recognised issue that comes with adhd as another pp just pointed out...she didn't ask for anyone else to diagnose him with something else.

When you've consistently had a lifetime of being dismissed or told your wrong or rude etc etc or misdiagnosed as anxiety... for something that comes with an invisible disability finally recognised, seeing it minimised is extremely hurtful.

Shut downs are an autistic thing, aren't they? I'm autistic and my partner has ADHD so I'm quite familiar with both. It's usually sensory overload, so maybe your lifestyle and home need adapting to be less stimulating.

I think you have to be very secure to be able to deal with your partner shutting down regularly. Luckily my partner is, and I try to communicate my feelings/behaviours extensively when I'm not in shutdown mode so he's aware of what's happening. Of course, if it's really upsetting you or you don't see a solution, you don't have to stay with him.

The problem with these things is that in ADHD burnout / shut down, they just don't work.

You can't use a code word in burnout, because the insidious thing is that you can only see it in retrospect.

You can't talk and make a plan about it, because the right words don't exist, and it's so exhausting bring misunderstood.

You can't make a plan and move forward, because the very essence of burnout is trying and failing to do that, over and over again.

When I was severely depressed I sometimes needed to just go away and hide in a hole. DH and I developed a "traffic light" system where I could give him a bit of warning that I was about to crash. It sounds silly but perhaps having red and amber cards so he can simply give one to you to warn you that a shut down is starting/is in progress/is waning might help? Basically he doesn't need to say anything (I got to the stage where talking was hard). It takes the judgement out of it (and suspect he is actually judging himself quite harshly and its guilt that is making him lash out if he's not normally an angry person). You could add in a green card to indicate when he is ready to talk about it.

Equally silly but I used to have a bag of "shit day cards" that had small simple things I could do for myself eg a bath with nice oil/go for a coffee with a book for an hour/buy a bunch of flowers or a magazine. Make yourself some so when he shuts down you have something to do for yourself. You seem to need reassurance - could you suggest that when he's shutting down he could give you a card - a simple way of showing you he still cares without having to engage when he's not able?

Try and find a couple of simple things that help the two of you - if they work for a couple of months then try and add something else in. It might be that going for a walk or a drive when he's feeling better is a way to discuss how you both feel - it can seem less confrontational when you are side by side rather than sitting looking at each other.

Because burnout is an injury of your mental health. ADHD makes burnout much more likely. He can't just decide that that injury isn't there.

I have a chronic health condition. If I was having a flare up and my partner badgered me for sex I would hate it. It's beyond his control, he's awaiting medication. It sounds as though you think he should ignore his own feelings to indulge your "love language".

ok, so folk don't like the broken leg.

How about we swap it for a sciatic flare up.. when that happens i can function, but i'm in extreme pain, and all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I often can't walk, i can't bear to be touched, and the idea of 'performing' for people who want things when i'm in that state make me nauseous and angry.

If i came on here and said when in that state my husband would badger me for sex, try to cuddle, and then complain i was rejecting him when i asked to leave me alone, then you'd all be saying he needed to back off, stop being so gross and needy.

For the record and transparency.. this exact thing happened, and i did post about it on MN, and that's exactly the opinion that was expressed by MN posters.

The vitriol towards people when its a disability just because they're male and not female is disgusting.

oh, and he's now my ExH.. one of the final nails in the coffin of our marriage being when he demanded sex 3 days after an operation, then when i said no, told me i didn't love him or appreciate he had needs.

Shutdown is neurological. The brain switches off higher order functions when in sensory overload so the person cannot process language, etc. They are using only the primitive parts of their brain, acting on instinct. The restriction is physical.

So someone in shutdown can no more have these reasoned discussions, analyse their behaviour, meet someone else’s needs, than someone with a broken leg can walk on it.

That is the similarity.

The vitriol and ableism here isn’t coming from the OP, who seems to want to understand her partner and work together to make things better for all parties. It’s coming from other posters with an agenda, whether it’s anti-male or anti-ND.

Many people with ADHD experience sensory processing differences and overload too, so shutdown and meltdown are a ‘thing’ in ADHD too.

I'm very well aware of what ND shutdown is. I know what a broken leg is. It's reductive to say that they are the same. One is a short term issue that has a fairly easy fix and is for a finite time. The other is most certainl not.

I also know that if I was married to someone who spent several days, several times a month being snappy with me and having to watch him be snappy with his children, unable to communicate and I wasn't able to communicate my feelings about this or how it affected me without being called selfish, and him flouncing out of the room it would not be a heatlhy or sustainable one.

OP absolutely shows that she wants to understand her partner. I wonder if he is showing her the same regard? In terms of working together I have already suggested that, but apparently one can't just Make An Effort. But then we've also been under the impression on this thread that a shutdown is a neurological response, and definitely not behaviour, so I think it's best to take the whole thing with a large pinch of salt.

Given that OP has asked whether she is being unreasonable not to want to continue in this manner infintely, my answer is no, she is not. This is not vitriol, or a personal attack on you. Or men. Or ND people in general. It's my advice to OP on her situation.

You’re right that a broken leg is a short term issue whereas shutdown will recur. I take that on board. Perhaps a better analogy would be a seizure, or a chronic condition such as sciatica as a pp suggested, which will recur in intense episodes, has triggers and can be managed but not eliminated, and allows functioning in between.

The dh can and should make an effort to manage his condition, agreed, but is likely unable to do that during a period of burnout.

Just like other chronic conditions, it’s not easy to make the lifestyle changes that can help manage it, due to financial pressures etc.

I worded it badly. I meant to say "it might be adhd". Just because you have adhd diagnosis doesn't mean it explains everything.

My daughters have all sorts of diagnoses. One of them is adhd. It doesn't follow that everything is therefore down to adhd.